;LOOK. I have exactly ZERO time to be jerking around with you today … OK?!? You know how all those lazy people at the post office are endlessly complaining about how the holidays are their busiest seasons? Well, it's time again for the new fall season of shows — and for a professional TV watcher like myself, this is freaking Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Rashashmoowoo (or whatever they call it) rolled into one. And because I am so very busy, here is an abbreviated list of shit I don't have time for: eating healthy foods, waiting in lines, fact-checking, certain sexual acts, cleansing my undercarriage, being "nice" to old people, investigating circumstances before condemning the party in question, foreplay, brushing teeth, snorting sub-par cocaine, washing underpants, wearing underpants and especially ENTERTAINING YOU. I simply DON'T have time, and so — I bid you all a fond adieu!;
;… On the other hand. I've just learned that my paycheck is mysteriously tied into writing this jibbering weekly column, which means I should probably write something for your edification, even if the end result is the mental equivalent of masturbating into a cup. AND NO COMPLAINING! You're lucky I decided to use a cup. Anyway … here are the new shows debuting this week!;
;THE CLASS (CBS, 8 p.m. Monday, Sept. 18) — This sitcom is the result of a bidding war between NBC and the winner, CBS. Which means THAT IT BETTER BE GODDAMN FUNNY. After 20 years, Ethan (Jason Ritter) reunites his third-grade class, which includes a rich guy's hot wife, a nerd on the brink of suicide and the FCC-required "love interest." Quirkiness? You may now ensue!
;;STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP (NBC, 10 p.m. Monday, Sept. 18) — Perhaps the buzziest new show of the season, Studio 60 is the brainchild of mushroom smoker Aaron Sorkin (head writer of The West Wing before he started smoking mushrooms) — which means it's gonna be good! Starring Matthew (Friends) Perry and Bradley (The West Wing) Whitford, the show revolves around two comedy writers brought in to save the crappiest late-night sketch show on TV. Sound familiar?
;;SMITH (CBS, 10 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 19) — Ray "Goodfellas" Liotta brings the star power as the leader of a gang of professional thieves who try to balance committing crimes with normal suburban lifestyles. Co-starring Virginia "Sideways" Madsen as the FCC-required MILF.
;;JERICHO (CBS, 8 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 20) — Nuclear holocaust: the ultimate buzz stomper. Young Jake Green (Skeet Ulrich) returns to his hometown of Jericho, Kan., only to discover a big mushroom cloud where his town used to be. A cross between 7th Heaven and Patrick Swayze's Red Dawn, I hereby proclaim Jericho to be awesome! (Especially if they kill some Commies and drink deer's blood.)
;;KIDNAPPED (NBC, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 20) — Similar to Fox's craptastic Vanished, FBI agents Jeremy "Six Feet Under" Sisto and Delroy "Domino" Lindo race to discover who kidnapped the teenage son of a wealthy couple. The case will reportedly be solved by the end of Season One (à la 24) unless they are canceled FOR WASTING TIME I DO NOT HAVE! (Oops! Gotta run … "my cup runneth over," so to speak.)
;;No time for email! Use telepathy!;
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;
;THURSDAY, SEPT. 14
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR
;;Season Premiere! This season the tribes are divided up according to race. Something tells me this was a honky's idea.
;;8 p.m. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
;;Check out some O.G. Earl with the very first (and very funny) pilot episode!;;
;FRIDAY, SEPT. 15
8 p.m. TNT KILL BILL: VOL. 1
(Movie, 2003) It's Quentin Tarantino's awesome tribute to revenge flicks starring Uma Thurman as a wronged assassin!
;;11 p.m. A&E MI-5
;;Season Premiere! If you loved Alias (when it was good), don't miss this dark series about British intelligence.;;
;SATURDAY, SEPT. 16
8 p.m. MYNTV DESIRE & FASHION HOUSE RECAP;
;Since there's no fawking way I'm gonna watch these shows every night of the week, here's the two-hour recap!;;
;SUNDAY, SEPT. 17
8 p.m. WB BUFFY and DAWSON PILOTS
;;It's a celebration of old-school WB with the original pilot episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek!
;;8:30 p.m. CBS AMAZING RACE
;;Season Premiere! It's another season of contestants busting ass around the globe to win some money. Stop and smell the roses, people!;;
;MONDAY, SEPT. 18
10 p.m. CBS CSI: MIAMI
;;Season Premiere! Which CSI is this? Oh, the one set in Miami.
;;10 p.m. NBC STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
;;Debut! A behind-the-scenes sneaky peek of an SNL wannabe, from hot-poop producer Aaron Sorkin!;;
;TUESDAY, SEPT. 19
9 p.m. CBS THE UNIT
;;Season Premiere! This unintentionally hilarious military drama returns with more weepy wives and terrorist ass-kickin'.
;;10 p.m. CBS SMITH
;;Debut! Ray Liotta stars in this show, which will probably bomb just like all shows with big celebrities in them.;;
;WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 20
8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
;;Season Premiere! Tyra Banks is back with another gaggle of empty-headed models. Let's get FIERCE!
;;8 p.m. CBS JERICHO
;;Debut! Goddammit. Another nuclear holocaust? Well … there goes my weekend.;
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