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;Well … well … WELL. What have we here? Guess who came crawling back — just like I predicted. Just couldn't stay away, could you? And now here you are, begging for a second chance. Well … go ahead. BEG! Get down on your filthy hands and knees and BEG me to take you back. And who knows? Maybe if you grovel convincingly enough I may momentarily forget HOW YOU BROKE MY FAWKING HEART, YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SLUDGE!!

;;Oh, not YOU of course, I was just yelling at my TV — something I do on an alarmingly regular basis … generally during Dancing With the Stars. See, almost ALL of the new fall shows debuting this week star creaky old washed-up movie stars and TV celebs who are once again coming back around begging for another shot at fame. ANNOYING!! Why don't famous people ever get it? The purpose of "celebrity" is for us (the public) to fall head over tuchis in love with you (the celebrity), until we're not in love with you anymore, and we discard you like a diaper filled with butt-gravy. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND??

;;Naturally, this does not include the celebs we're still in love with, such as the cast of The Office (returning at 8:30 p.m. Thursday on NBC), those adorable Gilmore Girls (8 p.m. Tuesday on the CW), and those hopelessly hot teenagers of One Tree Hill (squirting even more hormones 9 p.m. this Wednesday on the CW). Or the ones we're about to fall in love with, such as the new show Heroes (about normal schmucks who develop superpowers — 9 p.m. Monday, NBC), and Runaway (about a family on the lam from the law — 9 p.m. Monday, the CW). But as for the rest of you? START BEGGING!

;; Shark (CBS, 10 p.m Thursday, Sept. 21) — Academy Award–nominated actor and real-life creepy misogynist James Woods gets his own show, starring as a creepy defense lawyer who has a crisis of conscience and starts prosecuting the bad guys (alongside that chick who played Seven of Nine on Star Trek: Whatever). Hey, Seven of Nine! Here's a heads-up: Put the Sexual Harassment Hotline on speed dial. And as for you, James Woods: Only Oscar winners are allowed to bore me to death.

;;Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10 p.m. Sunday, Sept. 24) — Holy crap! This family drama must be where irrelevant celebs go to die! Dig this lineup of washouts: Tom Skerritt (Picket Fences), Sally Field, Rachel Griffiths (Six Feet Under), Ron Rifkin (Alias), Patricia Wettig (thirtysomething), and — most horrifyingly — Calista Fawking Flockhart (Ally McBeal) … who I thought disappeared inside one of Harrison Ford's wrinkles years ago.

;; Help Me Help You (ABC, 9:30 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 26) — A new sitcom about a nutbag group therapist … who's even KA-RAZIER than his patients! Ka-BOINGGG! And just in case your genitals haven't completely snuck up into your stomach cavity … it stars TED "Why didn't you kill yourself after Cheers?" DANSON. I'm telling you, this guy is like the genital warts of situation comedies — HE JUST KEEPS COMING BACK! (This time I'll wear THREE condoms … promise!)

;;Go on back to your slut.

;;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

;

;THURSDAY, SEPT. 21

;;8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;;Season Premiere! Michael accidentally outs Oscar — bringing down a gay jihad on his head.

;;10 p.m. ABC SIX DEGREES

;;Debut! Six New York strangers have no idea of the impact on each other's lives. (And NO, Kevin Bacon isn't one of them.)

;;

;FRIDAY, SEPT. 22

;;8 p.m. CBS GHOST WHISPERER

;;Season Premiere! The ghosts stage an intervention with Melinda, begging her to start SPEAKING UP.

;;8 p.m. FOX NANNY 911

;

;Out-of-control triplets and a childish father cause a stressed-out mom to go all Andrea Yates.

;;

;SATURDAY, SEPT. 23

;;9 p.m. SCI KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP (Movie, 2006) Undersea scientists are terrorized by a giant hip-hop squid, who keeps telling them to "get it crackin'!"

;;

;SUNDAY, SEPT. 24

;;9 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

;;Season Premiere! The producers have promised that this season will be more entertaining. Really? So sorry to put you to any trouble!

;;10 p.m. ABC BROTHERS & SISTERS

;;Debut! Calista Flockhart plays an Ann Coulter-ish conservative radio host — as if we needed another reason to hate her!

;;

;MONDAY, SEPT. 25

;;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;;Debut! Ordinary people develop superpowers — and yet what happens when I try to get bitten by a radioactive spider? ZILCH.

;;9 p.m. CW RUNAWAY

;;Debut! Wrongly accused of murder, a father takes his family on the lam. Can we at least stop for ice cream first?

;;

;TUESDAY, SEPT. 26

;;8 p.m. CW GILMORE GIRLS

;;Season Premiere! After a blowout with Luke, hot MILF Lorelai hops in the sack with Christopher.

;;8 p.m. FOX HOUSE

;

;Dr. House finds a unique way to treat a 10-year-old who inexplicably screams — with a ball gag.

;;

;WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 27

;;8 p.m. CBS JERICHO

;

;With a nuclear fallout cloud on the way, Jake improvises a makeshift shelter out of duct tape and condoms.

;

;;9 p.m. ABC LOST

;;For those who thrive on confusion, here's a Lost clip show covering the last two seasons.

; steve@portlandmercury.com

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