I LOVE TELEVISION 


;An I Love Television™ reader writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: You, sir, are an AGEIST. Though I tend to enjoy your weekly rants on the vagaries of television, I take umbrage with the fact that you belittle older TV stars, such as Ted Danson, Calista Flockhart and that handsome fellow that plays Matlock. Meanwhile, you show an unhealthy interest in teenage actors such as that shirtless young man from Smallville. In the verbiage of your generation: ‘What gives?' Sincerely, Mildred Fleece."

;

;Here's "what gives," grandma — I HATE OLD PEOPLE. And that's because I'm a member of the YOUTH generation, baby! See, the YOUTH generation is all about "digging the scene," and "flippin' the bird" to the "status quo"! That's right, old fogey. Us young people have collectively decided not to live by the rules of our OPPRESSORS (that's YOU, Metamucil breath), and instead, we're going to grow out our hair, live in communes and walk around with our flies unzipped. Why? Because we let it ALLLLLLLLL HANG OUT!

;

;See … it's all about "freedom" — "dig"? The freedom to make fun of old people (like Matlock) and get sexually horny over a top-nude Tom Welling (that "shirtless young man from Smallville"). That's why this week is especially "groovy" — because our favorite YOUTH generation TV shows are coming back for a brand-new season of topless, post-pubescent action. This Thursday (8 p.m. Sept. 28 on the CW), Smallville's nipples return, as well as TV's perkiest teen detective drama, Veronica Mars (9 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 3, on the CW). Lost also has its season premiere (9 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 4, on ABC) … but we don't watch that anymore because — according to the YOUTH generation — looking at nipples over the age of 25 is a real "cop-out." HOWEVER! There are a few new shows that have been given the YOUTH generation's temporary seal of approval, such as …

;;• UGLY BETTY (8 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 28, on ABC) — While the YOUTH generation may be ageist, we flip ass-over-head lice for DIVERSITY. And what's more "diverse" than Latinas? Ugly Betty is a dramedy based on a Colombian telenovela (soap opera) about a supposedly ugly secretary who works her way to the top of a snooty fashion mag. Yay upwardly mobile Latinas! But wait — shouldn't the YOUTH generation be concerned that her predecessor was … murdered?!? (Murdering Latinas is racist, FYI.)

;;• FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (8 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 3, on NBC) — Based on the movie of the same name, Friday Night Lights tells the teen angst-y tale of a Texas high school football team … which means what? NUDE TEEN LOCKER ROOM SCENES! HELLOOOOOOOO BUTTOCKS!

;;• FREAK SHOW (10:30 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 4, on Comedy Central) — A cartoon created by David "Arrested Development" Cross, Freak Show is about a squad of super-powered freaks assigned to low-priority tasks by the government. The team includes Tuck and Benny (Siamese twins with the power to separate), Primi (the premature baby who defeats villains with projectile vomit) and "The Bearded Clam" (who, apparently, is able to "shoot blinding bitch juice"). Hmmmm … while the YOUTH generation loves developmentally challenged superheroes, we're pretty sure David Cross just turned 26. So SCREW YOU, grandpa!

;;Not for old people!

;

 

;;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, SEPT. 28

;

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE Season premiere! Clark is sent to jail in another dimension, where the inmates think he has a "real purty mouth."

;

8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY Debut! A plain Juanita becomes an executive assistant in a fancy honky fashion house.

;

FRIDAY, SEPT. 29

;

8 p.m. FOX CELEBRITY DUETS Season finale! Surprise, famous people can sing. Isn't that what we pay them to do?

;

8 p.m. SCI DOCTOR WHO Season premiere! Jerky aliens threaten to ruin Christmas for everyone. (Luckily, it's still three months away.)

;

SATURDAY, SEPT. 30

;

8 p.m. TOON FANTASTIC FOUR When Skrull warriors move in next door to the Baxter Building, it's housewarming/clobberin' time!

;

SUNDAY, OCT. 1

;

7 p.m. CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS Season premiere! It's the return of this sweet and funny sitcom … co-starring Whoopi Goldberg?? BOOOO!!!!

;

8:30 p.m. CW THE GAME Debut! If you're ever in a tough trivia match, this show is a spin-off of Girlfriends. Which you've never heard of.

;

MONDAY, OCT. 2

;

9 p.m. ABC THE BACHELOR Season premiere! The bachelorettes are ecstatic to be in Rome with a handsome guy — until half of them are sent home for being too ugly. HAW!

;

9 p.m. E! HOUSE OF CARTERS Debut! Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, his brother Aaron and three sisters star in this superdysfunctional family reality show.

;

TUESDAY, OCT. 3

;

8 p.m. NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS Debut! A small high-school football team prepares for their first big game with some locker room ass-grabbing.

;

9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS Season premiere! Veronica and the gang head to college to solve "The Mystery of the Missing Keg Tap."

;

WEDNESDAY, OCT. 4

;

9 p.m. ABC LOST Season premiere! Jack, Kate and Sawyer are imprisoned — until they can figure out some way of making this show interesting again.

;

10 p.m ABC THE NINE Debut! The lives of nine people go all futzy after a botched bank robbery.

steve@portlandmercury.com

Speaking of I Love Television

Latest in I Love Television

More by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation