I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Paranoia. It's a fallacious ;emotion generally experienced by the insecure and mentally ill. That being said, everyone in the world is out to get me. Now obviously I am NOT insecure — I mean, I'm great, right? Besides, paranoia is the assumption that people are out to get you, and with me it's no assumption — I KNOW PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME.

;

;People are jealous. I get that. I have a hot car. I bang smokin' pieces of ass. Scientist nerds at MIT deemed my honey-baked ham "an example of structural perfection." And I have a well-paying and ridiculously easy job in which I do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but sit on my previously mentioned ham and watch TV all day. Are you starting to get why the world is out to get me? And did YOU just decide to get in line?

;

;So the next time you start wishing for all the wonderful things in the world, try walking a mile in my shoes — which you'd love, because my shoes are awesome. But my point is this: Maybe then you'd start to get an inkling of the tremendous burden my kick-ass life and sexual escapades have on my soul. And if you still can't imagine it, you should check out a couple of shows on TV this week that will clearly illustrate my egregious conundrum!

;

;First, there's CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, 9 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 12). Normally I would never advise you to watch this ridiculously awful show — except that tonight KEVIN FEDERLINE will be on it making his ACTING DEBUT!! He's another person who has "everything" — therefore everyone hates him. (Of course, it doesn't help that he's a lazy, good-for-nothing hillbilly with an overproduction of semen.) ANYWAY! Apparently, K-Fed's got a walk-on role on CSI in which he plays "a punk." No character name — just … "a punk." Boy, it's his first acting role and he's already being typecast. Ka-ZING! (See? Even I'm out to get this guy.)

;;Second, there's the debut of a brand-new game show titled 1 vs. 100 (NBC, 9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 13). Hosted by smiling robot Bob "Full House" Saget — who in actuality is a filthy potty mouth — this show is already a hit all over the world and is just now making it to the U.S. The concept is simple enough: One lone contestant matches wits against a mob of 100 people, answering a series of trivia questions for wads of money. But here's the twist … the contestant must get every single question right or get booted off the show, with all the money up to that point being evenly split up among the 100. Likewise, if members of the mob supply a wrong answer they're also kicked off, which raises the amount of dough the single player gets if he/she manages to be the last person standing.

;

;SEE?!? THAT IS SO LIKE MY LIFE! A huge mob of people, and they're all trying to stick it to me! (And I mean that literally … I generally end up having sex with two-thirds of the mob. Hmm … that would make a pretty good game show, too!)

;

; Yeah, I know. You're out to get me.

;;;;;;;
; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;
;

;THURSDAY, OCT. 12

;;8 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;

;When a former regional manager dies, Michael decides to try some unnecessary grief counseling.

;;

;10 p.m. MTV REAL WORLD/;ROAD RULES CHALLENGE

;;Season premiere! Former cast members from both shows that no one remembers reunite to play games no one cares about.

;;

;FRIDAY, OCT. 13

;;9 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

;

;Adama prepares to rescue the imprisoned human ;population; Sharon stands around looking smokin' hot.

;;

;9 p.m. NBC 1 VS. 100

;;Debut! One guy takes on 100 people for a million bucks. Umm … why can't the 100 people just beat the crap out of him?

;;

;SATURDAY, OCT. 14

;;8 p.m. TOON PRINCESS MONONOKE

;

;(Movie, 1997) Claire Danes lends her voice to this classic Japanimation flick about a forest princess battling industry.

;;

;SUNDAY, OCT. 15

;;9 p.m. PBS CASANOVA

;

;Peter O'Toole stars as the king of the 18th-century booty chasers.

;;

;10 p.m. VH1 THE FLAVOR OF LOVE

;;Season finale! In this romantic reality show, Flavor Flav finally chooses which woman he will spend the next 10 minutes of his life with.

;;

;MONDAY, OCT. 16

;;8 p.m. CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

;

;In order to win the class presidency, Chris must write the greatest election speech of all time!

;;

;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;

;Hiro uses his special abilities to win a lot of money in Vegas. FINALLY! A superhero with a goddamn BRAIN!

;;

;TUESDAY, OCT. 17

;;9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS

;

;Thanks to her snoopy nature, Veronica is threatened with expulsion by the dickhead dean (Ed Begley Jr.).

;;

;11 p.m. VH1 ICE-T'S RAP SCHOOL

;;Debut! Get ready for the cringiest show of the season! Ice-T teaches honkies how to rap!

;;

; WEDNESDAY, OCT. 18

;;10 p.m. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

;;Season finale! Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn announce the results of Fashion Week. (And Michael better win!!)

;;

;11 p.m. BRAVO TOP CHEF

;;Season premiere! As long as you're watching Bravo anyway, check out this classier version of Hell's Kitchen!

; steve@portlandmercury.com

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