I LOVE TELEVISION 


Don't you kind of feel sorry for Fox TV? In the olden days (back when it was the fourth place network out of four networks), Fox was like a 5-year-old kid jacked up on Mountain Dew and Pixy Stix —it'd do ANYTHING to get your attention. I particularly enjoyed its guerrilla-style (and super-offensive) reality shows, such as Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire, Man vs. Beast and my favorite, The Littlest Groom (in which it tried to hook a dwarf up with a hot, normal-sized babe). However! Nowadays it seems like Fox has "grown up" and can no longer find room in its schedule for shows about such important topics as When Animals Attack. Apparently dwarves, bimbos and ass-ripping lions are no longer a concern to Fox executives.

And that's too bad, because now that Fox has grown into a self-absorbed teenager (who in order to look more like an adult has been seen wearing a coat with elbow patches and smoking a pipe), it has been receiving some of its worst ratings ever. Other than the doctor-drama House, almost all the shows on Fox's schedule are crapping the bed — and that's because Fox has forgotten who its audience is (i.e., 18—34-year-old drunks with an unhealthy affinity for midgets and angry, bloodthirsty monkeys).

This week all that may change, as Fox has what could be loosely termed as the most CREEPY, OFFENSIVE INTERVIEW EVER! According to Fox.com, on Monday, Nov. 27, and Wednesday, Nov. 29, at 9 p.m., the network will be broadcasting an exclusive interview with accused murderer O.J. Simpson, in which he describes how he killed his ex-wife and her friend —HYPOTHETICALLY, of course! "O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," according to a Fox statement. Coincidentally, the interview comes a day before the release of Simpson's new book on the same subject, titled If I Did It.

All together now … BRRRRRRRRRRR!

Naturally, this is a step in the right direction for Fox. However, an interview of O.J. describing the brutal murder of his wife lacks … ohhhh, the joie de vivre of something like Joe Millionaire or Temptation Island. Here's some advice on how this show could be automatically — and cheaply! — improved:

• During the interview, O.J. should be wearing the Hannibal Lecter straitjacket and leather facemask. (Then after a commercial break, we learn that he's escaped and was last seen outside YOUR bedroom window! EEEEEEEEE!)

• O.J. describes how he killed his wife —while helping Martha Stewart bake a batch of rustic apple tarts.

• Perform a dramatic re-creation of the murder using kangaroos. (And before PETA starts climbing all over my ass, it's a scientific fact that kangaroos love to fight.)

• Along with his "faux" confession, O.J. also hypothetically describes how he killed Kurt Cobain, Jimmy Hoffa and the Crocodile Hunter.

• During random moments, a monkey wearing a red jumpsuit should ride by on a tricycle. OOH! Better yet, a skateboard!

• Turn the whole thing into a new reality show titled Who Wants to be Murdered by O.J. Simpson … Hypothetically?

O.J. UPDATE: In a very rare show of conscience, the Fox Network canceled the upcoming O.J. interview, as well as plans to publish his book. Stay tuned for a new Fox interview titled, "If We Had Killed O.J.'s Interview, Book Deal and Comeback — This Is How We Would've Done It."

Yer pal, Humpy

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, NOV. 23

9 a.m. NBC MACY'S THANKSGIVING PARADE

With special guests Barry Manilow and Hall & Oates. What is this? Thanksgiving or Halloween?

8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY

Betty must set up a photo shoot for a celebrity couple and their Scientologist baby.

FRIDAY, NOV. 24

9 p.m. SPIKE GOLDFINGER

(Movie, 1964) James Bond takes on the "proctologist with the Midas touch."

SATURDAY, NOV. 25

9 p.m. FOX AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

A special "Sex Slave" episode. As Borat might say, "Yessssss! Let's make sexy time!"

9 p.m. VH1 UK MUSIC HALL OF FAME

Some of the greatest limey musicians get their props, including Dusty Springfield, Led Zeppelin and Rod Stewart.

SUNDAY, NOV. 26

8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS

Season finale! After losing his nuclear plant job AGAIN, Homer finds his dream job as an ice cream truck driver.

10 p.m. VH1 CELEBRITY PARANORMAL PROJECT

The ghosts of a haunted mansion sneak out when they learn the pathetic Danny Bonaduce will be dropping by.

MONDAY, NOV. 27

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

Hiro uses his ability to stop time instead of filing an income tax extension. That works, too.

TUESDAY, NOV. 28

8 p.m. ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS

Charlie searches for the true meaning of Christmas via booze, pills and an unlocked gun cabinet.

8:30 p.m. ABC BIG DAY

Debut! A crazy family pulls out all the stops to wreck a woman's wedding ceremony.

WEDNESDAY, NOV. 29

8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

While in Barcelona, one of the models experiences a flamenco dance freak out!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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