I LOVE TELEVISION 


Like a particularly itchy case of B-hole scabies, it's back! Yes, it's the "Best TV Character of the Year" Awards, wherein I watch a year's worth of television, and choose which character really gets my hormones hoppin'. And here are the nominees!

"FAT" MAJ. APOLLO (from Battlestar Galactica): If you're familiar with Maj. Lee "Apollo" Adama from BSG, then you already know this hot piece of man-meat is built like a trilithium shithouse. That's why it was especially disturbing when he got super-fat this season — I'm talking Louie Anderson fat. Sure, his obesity supposedly symbolized his guilt for abandoning his human crew to those pee-hole Cylons, but holy cow — what a porker! Happily for everyone, the humans escaped the Cylons, and three episodes later, Apollo replaced his fat suit with 12-pack abs. Whew … and RRRowwrrrr.

RRRowwrrrr.

MICHAEL SANDECKI: THE GUY WHO HAD A CLAY AIKEN FREAKOUT (from American Idol): Idol fans may remember Michael Sandecki as the Clay Aiken look-alike/No. 1 fan who auditioned for AI but didn't go to Hollywood. However! When he was invited to sing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" during the Idol finale as a tribute to Aiken, he went completely ape-poop when the real Clay Aiken swished onstage! It looked like someone told him he'd won $50 million at the exact moment he accidentally stepped on a faulty electrical transformer. In other words … awesome.

NEW YORK — THE REALITY SHOW CONTESTANT, NOT THE CITY (from Flavor of Love): Thanks to YouTube, it was the spit viewed 'round the world. On Flavor of Love — in which rapper Flavor Flav picks a mate from a gaggle of etiquette-challenged women — one of the contestants, nicknamed New York, accused another girl (nicknamed Pumkin) of being "a professional actor"… apparently a grave insult. Pumkin retaliated by hocking a weighty loogie into New York's face, who then grabbed Pumkin by her extensions and shoved her head first into a nearby camera. While most reality shows have strict clauses against violence, New York was not only invited back for another season, she was rewarded with her own show debuting soon on VH1. Yay, AMERICA!

THAT GUY WHOSE TESTICLE EXPLODED (from House): Last May's season finale of House may be famous for Dr. House getting shot — but it's even MORE famous for his patient's exploding testicle! Don't ask me to remember what the diagnosis was — all I know is that this guy comes into the hospital with a swollen tongue … after which his eyeball pops out of the socket … which is then followed by his testicle exploding in a doctor's face. The world can keep on spinning for another billion years, and I'm pretty sure nothing will ever top that.

HOWEVER! OUR WINNER FOR BEST TV CHARACTER OF 2006 …

While exploding testicle guy will always remain close to my heart, the best TV character of the year was clearly The O.C.'s TAYLOR TOWNSEND! After mopey Marissa was killed off last season (THANK GOD), the potentially really annoying Taylor did an about-face and has reinvigorated a show that was on its last legs. She's funny, she's hot, and her genitalia don't have to explode to get my attention. (And that's high praise coming from me!)

Have a great new year!

steve@portlandmercury.com

steve@portlandmercury.com

steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, DEC. 28

8 P.M. NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Burt Reynolds guest-stars as a strip-club owner who wants Catalina as his main booty-shaker!

9:30 P.M. NBC 30 ROCK

For those who originally gave it a pooh-pooh, check back in on an improved 30 Rock, starring the very funny Alec Baldwin.

FRIDAY, DEC. 29

8 P.M. CW FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

It's the year's best WWE brawls featuring Batista, Rey Mysterio and the Undertaker!

SATURDAY, DEC. 30

8 P.M. ABC UGLY BETTY UGLY-THON!

For those who have fallen behind, here are three fun Ugly Betty repeats! Get UGLY!

9 P.M. MSNBC SUPER SIZE ME

(Movie, 2004) Director Morgan Spurlock definitely has "fries with that" when he vows to eat only McDonald's for 30 days.

SUNDAY, DEC. 31

9 P.M. CW KEITH BARRY: EXTRAORDINARY

The illusionist demonstrates tricks on celebrities such as Wilmer Valderrama and Jessica Simpson. (He couldn't find anyone smarter?)

10 P.M. ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE

Ryan Seacrest and his cyborg "Dick Clark" host this creepy annual tradition live from Times Square.

MONDAY, JAN. 1

10 a.m. CBS COLLEGE FOOTBALL

It's Georgia Tech versus West Virginia in this classic hillbilly rivalry. YEE-HAW! Maw! Git mah squirrel rifle!

10 P.M. ABC SUPERNANNY

Jo has her hands full with a pair of kids who are a cross between Satan with a hangnail and Hitler with a toothache.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 2

8 P.M. E! 50 MOST OUTRAGEOUS TV MOMENTS

Exploding genitalia? HERE I COME!

10 P.M. FX DIRT

Debut! Courteney Cox (Friends) stars as the editor of a smarmy tabloid in this Hollywood parody.

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 3

8 P.M. CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Season premiere! Hotties learn from nerds (and vice versa) in this surprisingly sweet reality show.

9 P.M. ABC THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY

Debut! Donal Logue stars as a small-time thief who wants to rob … Mick Jagger?!?


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