I LOVE TELEVISION 


I love kids. In fact, I love kids so much I have roughly 27 of them scattered all over the country. (There could be more … I'm highly regarded for the potency of my seed.) The downside of having spawned so many illegitimate children is having to appear on The Maury Povich Show for one of his many "Paternity Test Results" episodes. IT'S AWFUL! Every time it's the same thing: My former lover poop-talks me for 20 minutes, then Maury brings me out on stage. The audience boos me and then Maury opens the DNA results envelope and says one of two things: "Humpy … you ARE the father," or "Humpy … you ARE NOT the father." All things being equal, I prefer the latter response — even though the girl may be in tears, I can show the audience my kickin' dance moves!

(For a great example of someone doing this, go to YouTube.com and search "I Love Maury" —you won't regret it.)

Anyway, kids are great … except when they aren't. Children may look super-cute — which makes it all the more horrifying when they're screaming at the top of their lungs and pelting you with scissors. And when you say stuff like, "Ow … Ow … OWWW!?! Goddammit, Celeste! Stop throwing scissors!" they're all like, "Screw you, old man! We're part of the ‘Now' generation!" Eventually they'll get bored of sticking you with sharp instruments and run off to listen to their rap music —but what about you? The holes may heal, but emotional wounds last a lifetime.

Now, this was news to me, but apparently you can't whip kids with belts anymore. (Thank god my poor father didn't live to see these dark times. He'd go through two belts a week on me.) So now that retributive violence is off the table, where can an abused parent turn? The answer: a NANNY. But watch out: There are good nannies and bad nannies. An example of a good nanny would be Mary Poppins — who, I'm sorry, is super-HOT! Plus she flies around via a magical umbrella … which means the pigs can't pull her over for not strapping the kids into a car seat.

On the other hand, a bad nanny runs to the newspapers and tells them how you had sex with them — such as in that poor Jude Law's case. And naturally, you never want to hire anything remotely resembling Fran Drescher, whose laugh sounds like a parrot bouncing around inside a wood chipper.

AH!! But the best nanny of all is the lovably plump Jo Frost from ABC's Supernanny (9 p.m. Monday), who can lick any kid's scissor-throwing problem tout de suite. However, unless you love migraines, I can't recommend the first half-hour, which is 30 minutes of screaming, profanities and dish-breaking. Seriously! That show is like a snuff film starring midgets! But when Jo steps in to save the day? The parents (and the viewers) are so freaking relieved that the scissors have stopped flying that they generally break down in tears.

So if you can't afford your own Mary Poppins, give Supernanny a try. Take it from my dad: It sure beats buying a new belt every week.

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

Timmy! Put DOWN the scissors! steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, JAN. 25

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

Clark suffers a kryptonite freakout and gets locked up in a very UN-funny farm!

9 p.m. FOX THE O.C.

Surprise! Julie finds a new lover — and remember, she only has five more episodes, so she has to work fast if she's going to make it an even 50,000.

FRIDAY, JAN. 26

9 p.m. FOX TRADING SPOUSES

Yay! It's part two of Marguerite Perrin's (aka "The God Warrior") appearance in some poor family's household.

SATURDAY, JAN. 27

8 p.m. ABC CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

(Movie, 2002) Hunkalicious Leo DiCaprio stars in this true story of an identity-swapping con man.

SUNDAY, JAN. 28

10 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Former president (and current traitor) Baltar is in the soup — but good! — when he's interrogated by the Galactica gang.

1 a.m. TOON THE VENTURE BROTHERS

When the kids need a babysitter, Dr. Venture knows who to call: Assassinanny 911!

When the kids need a babysitter, Dr. Venture knows who to call: Assassinanny 911!

MONDAY, JAN. 29

9 p.m. FOX 24

As if Jack already doesn't have enough problems, his naggy family shows up for a visit!

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

NERD ALERT! Hiro's father makes an appearance … and it's Star Trek alum George Takei! EEEEEEEEE!

9 p.m. ABC SUPERNANNY

After suffering multiple scissor wounds from their 4-year-old, the parents decide it's time to call Supernanny.

TUESDAY, JAN. 30

8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Yeeeee-HAW! It's hillbilly night when the Idol auditions visit Birmingham, Ala.

8 p.m. NBC DATELINE NBC

It's another "To Catch a Predator" special, so be sure to hide all your Tiger Beat magazines!

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 31

10 p.m. BRAVO TOP CHEF

Finale! A new best chef in the world is chosen, making it safe for the rest of us to eat at McDonald's again.

11 p.m. BRAVO TOP DESIGN

Debut! Yet ANOTHER occupational reality contest, this time for interior designers. How about one for sewer workers?


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