I LOVE TELEVISION 


As we all know, there's no conceivable reason anyone would want to watch football — other than it being a convenient conduit for alcoholism. That's how my pop played it! He couldn't give two craps about a bunch of knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers huffing and puffing down a field, playing keep-away with a pig's bladder. However! When it came to having a ready-made excuse to spend the afternoon drinking beer on the couch in order to avoid the constant NAG NAG NAG of familial obligations, football couldn't be beat! I remember asking him, "Hey, Pop! Who's winning?" To which he would reply, "I shertainly don't give shix shits. Get daddy another brew-ha-ha, huhhhhhh?"

But I wasn't complaining! The way I saw it, the more "football" he watched, the more time I had to dig around in his expansive and perverse pornography trunk.

The Super Bowl is a different story. While it's certainly a clever governmental scheme to induce alcohol poisoning in a nation of braying meatheads (thereby kindly thinning the pack for the rest of us), there is another reason to watch — and that's for the commercials. As we all know, Super Bowl commercials are the most expensive thing in the world next to a BJ from Jessica Alba. But besides paying an extraordinary amount of moolah to have your commercial screened in front of a nation of alcoholic coma victims, it's also an opportunity for the ad agencies to trot out their greatest stuff. To say to the world, "Hey, World! This is the very BEST we can do!" (Which is to say, "not very good at all.")

For example, one of the most publicized commercials for this Super Bowl comes from Nationwide Insurance and features Britney Spears' ex-husband/former rich person Kevin Federline. In the ad, Kevin is dressed in full pimp regalia, living out his dream as a much-beloved rap superstar — until he wakes up from his fantasy to reveal he's actually a fry cook in a fast-food restaurant. Bwaa-bwaaa-BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

See? It's funny because now he's poor, and poor people are funny. (Don't ask me what Nationwide Insurance has to do with any of this. Maybe you can buy insurance to protect you from the embarrassment of being poor?) The point is that Nationwide didn't forget the cardinal rule of making the perfect Super Bowl ad: Never let complete nonsense get in the way of selling your product. Remember the Budweiser "Truth" ads? Where a bunch of people yelled, "WASSUP??" at each other for 30 seconds? I still have no earthly idea how this had ANYTHING to do with Budweiser or any semblance of the "Truth." And yet? To this day, I drink roughly a case of Budweiser every Saturday evening and find myself screaming "WASSUP??" to any potential sex partner within a 100-yard radius. That's the power of advertising!

And so what if I don't like football? This Super Bowl Sunday, I'll be there with the rest of America, laughing at the fiscal ineptitude of Kevin Federline, dreaming of a BJ from Jessica Alba and not giving "shix shits" about who wins or loses. Now, get daddy a brew-ha-ha … huhhhhhhhhhh?

Bring back the Bud Bowl! (Hic!) steve@portlandmercury.com

Bring back the Bud Bowl! (Hic!) steve@portlandmercury.com

Bring back the Bud Bowl! (Hic!) steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, FEB. 1

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

In a flight of idiocy, Clark decides to kidnap Lana from her wedding.

8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Meee-OW! Karen finally confronts Pam on her past with Jim. Activate … CLAWS!

10:30 p.m. COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

Debut! America's favorite potty-mouthed Jewess gets her own sitcom!

FRIDAY, FEB. 2

9 p.m. CBS SUPER BOWL'S GREATEST COMMERCIALS

Host Daisy Fuentes (remember her?) introduces the best of Super Bowl ads. Hey, Daisy! WASSSSSUUUUUP?

SATURDAY, FEB. 3

8 p.m. ABC WORLD'S GREATEST SPORTS BLOOPERS

Dropped balls, hilarious tumbles and O.J. Simpson murdering his wife. (OK … fine. ALLEGEDLY.)

9 p.m. ABC ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

(Movie, 2004) An actually FUNNY flick starring Will Ferrell as a '70s newscaster whose job is threatened by … a woman?!?

SUNDAY, FEB. 4

3 p.m. CBS SUPER BOWL

Apparently, there's some team named "the Bears" playing some other team called "the Colts." Sounds cute!

7 p.m. CBS CRIMINAL MINDS

The detectives investigate a murder at a Super Bowl party. Now, there's a coincidence …

MONDAY, FEB. 5

9 p.m. FOX 24

Jack struggles with terrorists blowing up nuclear bombs and his father, who's a real prick.

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

Claire goes searching for her biological mom … in a trailer park? Ew.

trailer park? Ew.

TUESDAY, FEB. 6

8 p.m. NBC DATELINE NBC

Yet another "To Catch a Predator" episode! How many perverts are out there anyway? Present company excluded.

9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS

The college slut is slipped a "morning-after" pill — and is mysteriously upset about it.

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 7

9 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

The best auditions of the season thus far, which better include my favorite gay xenophobe, Ian Benardo!

10 p.m. ABC LOST

Return! Lost is back, and we'll finally find out if … waitasecond. What is this show about again?


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