I LOVE TELEVISION 


I give a lot of advice, as you know, and it's usually in your best interest to TAKE this advice. For example: tricking people into sleeping with you. This may be an offensive suggestion to some. Perhaps you believe you don't need to "trick people" into a sexual relationship, and that your looks and sparkling personality has and will get the job done nicely. If you want to believe this self-deception, that is certainly your prerogative. Me? I'M USING ALMOST ANY MEANS NECESSARY — short of physical disrespect and emptying my checking account — to bag as much bootay as possible in whatever time I have left. As it's been said, "Life is a buffet … so why spend all your time eating from the crouton bowl?"

That's why it's a good idea to use Valentine's Day to your advantage. It's a time when emotions run high and trickery can be easily implemented. For example: Buy a box of those dumb-ass kids' valentines from the drugstore — doesn't matter what kind. Spider-Man, Strawberry Shortcake, NASCAR, SpongeBob SquareDick — who gives a frak? The important thing is to write tasteful, erotic poetry on the back of each, and deliver them to everyone you'd like to poke. The average box contains around 30 cards, which means if my erotic poetry hits its target, I will have tapped somewhere around 14 booties. (Individual results — including sexual harassment lawsuits —may vary.)

HOWEVER! Lest you think of me solely as a cynical, perverted (and yet somehow strangely attractive) creep, I also send valentines to people and booties I don't necessarily plan to tap. For example …

BauerCount.com — If you are a fan of the awesome Fox show 24 (9 p.m. Monday) then you'll love this site, which documents every single person agent Jack Bauer has killed in the past six seasons. PLUS the object he used to kill them AND video documentation of each kill! It's a great place to catch up with Jack's greatest "hits" —especially the one from this season where he chews the jugular out of that terrorist's neck! EWWWW! (And … yay!)

TVinJapan.com —Here's another great website that is encyclopedic in its devotion to bringing us the weirdest TV shows from Japan! Where else are you going to see Japanese girls in bikinis trying to climb a greased pole? Where else will you see chimpanzees delivering the news? And where else will you see giant robots destroying cities or demonstrating aerobics? I heart you, TV in Japan. I heart you sooooooo much. (Yes, in a slightly icky way.)

The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m. Thursday) —You've seen her stand-up act, you've seen her in Jesus Is Magic … now see America's favorite potty-mouthed Jewess in her brand-new sitcom! TSSP goes for the same naturalistic tone as Curb Your Enthusiasm —except occasionally Sarah will break out in song, critique her sister's genitalia or have sex with God. It's dirty, nasty and very funny stuff — and if she weren't unbelievably dating porky talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, I would send her an entire box of erotic drugstore valentines. (Hmmm … maybe I can trick her into thinking I'm Jimmy Kimmel?)

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

Send all erotic valentines to … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, FEB. 8

8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: FIJI

Debut! The new castaways are surprised by their very comfortable beds — which are filled with angry bees!

8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Phyllis discovers that asking Michael to perform her wedding ceremony wasn't the best idea she's ever had.

FRIDAY, FEB. 9

8 p.m. SCIFI SPECIAL UNIT 2

Nerd alert! Check out this new series about a gang of futuristic cops battling paranormal creepazoids.

10 p.m. MTV2 CRANK YANKERS

Season premiere! The world's naughtiest puppets are back with brand-new phone pranks.

SATURDAY, FEB. 10

8 p.m. ABC A CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE

Charlie's hopes for true love are dashed when the girl with the curly hair makes out with Pigpen. Sorry, Chuck — chicks dig dirty guys.

SUNDAY, FEB. 11

8 p.m. CBS GRAMMY AWARDS

Justin Timberlake performs (EEEEEE!) along with a reunion of the Police. (ZZZZZZZ.)

10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

The ship fights off an epidemic after picking up a bunch of refugees. Moral: NEVER DO ANYTHING NICE.

MONDAY, FEB. 12

8 p.m. FOX 24

Tonight, it's two back-to-back hours of Jack Bauer biting the jugulars out of terrorists.

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

Hiro and Ando find the mystic sword in Las Vegas — and then lose it at the roulette table.

TUESDAY, FEB. 13

8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

It's round one for the dozens of finalists in Hollywood. Wake me when we get to the final four.

9 p.m. FOX HOUSE

A Valentine's Day snowstorm traps the docs in the hospital … with maybe a little sexy-sex in the CAT-scan room?

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 14

10 p.m. BRAVO TOP DESIGNER

Designer Todd Oldham gives the contestants their toughest challenge yet: Redesign a truck-stop bathroom.

10 p.m. ABC LOST

Hurley and Charlie spend Valentine's Day torturing one of the Others. (C'mon … they like it!)


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