I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Remember the old days when the Super Bowl was about semiretarded loaves of meat running around a field playing keep-away with a pig's bladder? Well, thanks to Janet Jackson's titty-popping shenanigans back in aught-four, those days are gone! The modern Super Bowl is all about CONTROVERSY, baby, and this year's game was no different. For example, everybody's talking about the "kissin' mechanics" Snickers ad, and especially the Snickers website, which contained a video of "homophobic" football players groaning over the smooch. (But were they really homophobic? Maybe they were groaning because they would've rather seen Jude Law and Justin Timberlake tongue-wrestling.)

;

;Nevertheless! The Snickers execs eventually pulled the ad after an outcry from gay and lesbian groups — but DID THEY GO TOO FAR? The problem with the Snickers commercial was that no one knew how to take it. Was it homophobic or homo-riffic? Instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, why not reshoot the commercial with a few minor —but VITAL — changes? Changes that would give the latently homosexual fans of the NFL what they really want. If given the opportunity, here's how I'd rewrite it:

;

;Two mechanics are eating a single Snickers bar — a la Lady and the Tramp — when they share an accidental smooch. Horrified, they say, "OMIGOD! We just kissed! Quick, what would an NFL player do?" Then they rush off to the locker room to tickle each other's butts.

;

;THE END.

;

;Need an "alternate" ending? No problem. The two kiss, and after vowing to do what an NFL player might do, they dash home to their wives and families. And then sneak out in the middle of the night to a truck stop to tickle each other's butts. "Snickers really satisfiiiiiiiiiiiies!"

;

;Hmmm. Maybe this is why no one ever asks me to write TV commercials.

;

;Regardless, it wasn't just the Snickers company reaching out to closeted NFL fans! Did you see that half-time show? I thought Prince was doing a great job … until he suddenly decided to duck behind that gigantic sheet to manually gratify himself. Didn't he realize that sheet was backlit and we could see everything he was doing? Well, that's just the way the NFL planned it! Because all they care about is watching men tickling each other's butts and manually gratifying themselves!

;

;Now, don't get me wrong — I like watching football and males engaging in anal copulation as much as the next guy. But we need to think about the KIDS. They need to have heterosexual role models just as much as homosexual ones— that's why commercials like the Super Bowl Doritos ad are so important. Kids need to see examples of checkout ladies at the grocery store getting so excited over a customer's choice of Doritos flavors that she has sex with him behind the register. And while these two racked up at least 200 health-code violations, at least they were HETEROSEXUAL violations.

;

;National Football League? It's time for you to come out of the closet and face facts: There are heterosexuals who watch football, too. And they don't use candy bars as an excuse to kiss each other.

;

;Humpy really satisfiiiiiies …

;

;steve@portlandmercury.com

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;;;;;;;;;;
; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;
;

;THURSDAY, FEB. 15

;;8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY

;

;Guest star Lucy Liu visits the show as Daniel's hotsy-totsy ex-gal pal.

;;

;8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;

;While Michael delivers a speech to Ryan's business class, back at the office, Dwight battles an angry bat.

;;

;FRIDAY, FEB. 16

;;8 p.m. FOX NANNY 911

;

;An NFL-lovin', beer-drinkin' dad has trouble raising four tykes (must be all those late-night truck stop visits).

;

;;SATURDAY, FEB. 17

;;8 p.m. VH1 BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

;

;It's a multi-episode marathon of this funny and surprisingly sweet reality competition.

;

;9 p.m. FOX AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

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;Yet ANOTHER show devoted to tracking down sexual predators! These guys are more pervasive than Paris Hilton's hoochie!

;;

;SUNDAY, FEB. 18

;;10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

;

;Two crew members are trapped outside in the ship's airlock. Worst … date … ever.

;

;;10:30 p.m. TOON AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE

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;The only cartoon in America that can make the entire city of Boston crap their pants.

;;

;MONDAY, FEB. 19

;;9 p.m. FOX 24

;

;Milo concocts a plan to outwit his kidnappers — but will using a mop to disguise himself as a girl really work?

;;

;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;

;The radioactive guy drops in to see Matt (so much for a quiet evening at home).

;;

;TUESDAY, FEB. 20

;;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

;

;It's a swoon-tastic night for Paula when the top 12 male singers perform.

;;

;9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS

;

;Veronica gets tossed in the hoosegow on another trumped up BS charge. Thanks a bunch, PIGS.

;;

;WEDNESDAY, FEB. 21

;;8 p.m. ABC GEORGE LOPEZ

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;George hallucinates that he and Ernie are gay. Get those online petitions ready!

;;

;10 p.m. ABC LOST

;

;Jack makes another attempt at outwitting the Others, which is sad, since he's as dumb as a box of hammers.

;;

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