I LOVE TELEVISION 


;I give the networks a lot of poop. Week after week I continually hurt their feelings with my mean-spirited jabs directed at any new show that has the misfortune of coming down the pike — although you do have to admit that watching that new Pussycat Dolls show is worse than having your eyeball dug out with a rusty spoon. It's like a game to me: A network says, "Hey Humpy! Boy, you look particularly handsome today! BTW, there's this great new show we're debuting this week starring Dharma & Greg's Jenna Elfman and …"

;

;WHAMMO!

;

;I slap what's left of that horrifying sentence out of its mouth, rub its face in a pile of garbage, spit a big loogie in its ear, shave the word "douchebag" into its hair, make it eat a pair of underpants that's been worn by a monkey for three weeks and then force it to lick the sweaty undercarriage of Dick Cheney. (I really do despise Jenna Elfman.)

;

;HOWEVER! I've decided to turn over a new leaf, and for once in my not-so-illustrious career, I'm going to offer the networks an actual COMPLIMENT. (You might want to scrapbook this, folks — who knows when it will happen again.) OK, here comes the compliment … right … now. Networks, I really love your new plan to cancel shows even before they've had a chance to air. Wait … NO, I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC! I really do think it's an awesome idea!

;;Take the new sitcom Andy Barker, P.I., starring Andy Richter. Not only did you originally give it a paltry six episodes, you actually reduced it to five — before the first episode even went on the air! Now, a lot of peewads might say you're not giving the show a chance — but I am not one of those peewads! I'm THANKING you for sparing me the rage I experience every time I watch one of your crappy shows — and if that means stomping the life out of a flower before it has time to bloom? So much the better.

;

;Bearing this in mind, I would love to help. Here are two shows that are scheduled to debut sometime in the near future. Instead of going through the motions and spending all that money promoting these bags of crap, why not just cancel them now? Your audience will thank you.

;

;First, there's National Bingo Night (ABC, debuting May 18). This idea is just stultifyingly simple enough to be stupid. Viewers print out bingo cards from the ABC website and then play along with the show. Swear to God, if my grandmother makes me watch this with her, I'm pulling her plug! Another example? There's the Untitled Grey's Anatomy ;Spin-Off (ABC, debuting this fall). I think the network got a little confused on this one. When we say, "We hate Grey's Anatomy with every fiber of our being," that doesn't mean "Give one of the show's most annoying characters (Addison) her own frakking show"!! What's next? The Untitled JENNA ELFMAN Project??

;

;Trust me: You want to cancel that idea before you even get it — unless you like looking at the business end of Dick Cheney's undercarriage!

;

;First I need a monkey and some underpants.

;

;steve@portlandmercury.com

;

 

;
; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;
;

;THURSDAY, MARCH 22

;8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

;;Clark rips off his shirt to join a cage-fighting tournament. (OOH! Just like Ryan from The O.C. except with super-powers!)

;;9:30 p.m. NBC ANDY BARKER, P.I.

;

;When Andy's client dies on the golf course, NBC decides to cancel the show.

;;

;FRIDAY, MARCH 23

;8 p.m. FAM BRING IT ON

;

;(Movie, 2000) It's an interracial smackdown when honky and black cheerleading teams go head to head!

;

;;10 p.m. VH1 DEPARTMENT OF ACCEPTABLE MEDIA

;Debut! Improv actors (including Jack Black) perform in a series of sitcom pilots to see which one sucks the least.

;;

;SATURDAY, MARCH 24

;11:35 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

;

;It's "red America" night when football star Peyton Manning hosts with musical guest Carrie Underwood. (This is the last bone we're throwing you, Republicans.)

;;

;SUNDAY, MARCH 25

;8 p.m. TNT KILL BILL: VOLS. 1 & 2

;

;(Movie, 2003-2004) It's back-to-back awesomeness when a woman assassin takes revenge on her backstabbing prick of a boss!

;

;10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

;;Season Finale! The poop hits the fan when the trial of Dr. Baltar comes to its creepy conclusion!

;;

;MONDAY, MARCH 26

;8 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

;;If you love to wager, they are currently taking bets at www.bodog.com whether or not Heather Mills' leg will fall off. I'M NOT JOKING.

;

;;9 p.m. FOX 24

;

;Jack and Mike Doyle (Ricky Schroder) argue over who is the better torturer.

;;

;TUESDAY, MARCH 27

;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

;

;;It's down to the top 10 — be sure to visit www.votefortheworst.com and then … vote for the worst!

;

;;10 p.m. ABC GREAT AMERICAN DREAM VOTE

;;Debut! Donny Osmond hosts this show, which fulfills viewers' dreams. Tonight: A bald guy gets a toupee.

;;

;WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28

;8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

;

;Two fashion mavens drop by to tell the girls they dress like shit.

;

;;10 p.m. ABC LOST

;

;Sun discovers why the Others tried to kidnap her. Maybe because she's hot? DUH!

;

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