I LOVE TELEVISION 


;I would make a super- ;awesome cop. In fact, I'm already so super-awesome I don't think I should have to take the police test. Why? Because of my extensive TV training!

;

;I watch an ASS-LOAD of cop shows, and as such, I know more about copping than most cops do. For example: I know how to roll across the hood of a car. I know how to talk to drug dealers ("Freeze, scumbag!"). I also know how to kick in doors, jump across rooftops, and really annoy the chief by putting my feet up on his desk whenever he tries to scold me for being "a loose cannon."

;

;Yes, my extensive criminal record may stand in the way of my cop career. However! Who understands a criminal better than someone who has done a little jail time? (True, my prison sentence consisted of one night in the slammer for mistakenly porking the mayor's daughter — but ask my cellmate "One-Eyed Carlos," I learned a LOT in those few hours.)

;

;Now the only question that remains is should I be a "good" cop or "bad" cop? Personally, I think it's offensive to lump public servants into such generalized categories. There are other types of cops as well, including "annoying" cop, "drunken" cop, "fat" cop, "grumpy" cop, "male stripper" cop, "hypoglycemic" cop and "acts friendly but is only doing so to sleep with my sister" cop. (And of course, there's my favorite, the "Don't kill Humpy for being a smart-ass" cop.)

;

;That being said, if I were a cop, I'd like to be lumped into one of two categories: "The Reno 911!" cop, or "The Shield" cop. Luckily for us, both of these shows are returning to TV this week for another slam-bang season of kicking crooks in the crack!

;;Three cheers for The Shield (10 p.m. Tuesday, April 3, on FX), which has thankfully returned for Season 6, and is consistently one of the best dramas on the tube. This near-documentary-style cop show features Michael Chiklis as Vic Mackey — the kick-ass take-no-prisoners leader of L.A.'s Strike Team, known for cracking down hard on drug and street crime. Of course, there's the little matter of Vic taking bribes, using unnecessary force, lying to his superiors and stealing money from the Armenian mob — but nobody's perfect, right? (Ummm … I forgot to mention he also cheats on his wife, plants drugs on suspects and killed a fellow cop. BUT HE'S VERY NICE TO ;KITTENS.)

;;However! If you prefer your police to be of the "hilarious" variety, then don't miss the spring premiere of Reno 911! (10:30 p.m. Sunday, April 1, on Comedy Central). A flat-out funny parody of Cops, Reno 911! features members of the old MTV comedy series The State portraying members of an incredibly incompetent Reno police department. And while these cops don't boast the aggressive style of Vic Mackey, they definitely use questionable tactics to solve crimes: such as interoffice promiscuity, unintentional racism, lots of drugs, unnecessary force (especially if the perp is wearing a milkshake costume), homoeroticism, rap, Kenny Rogers and really tight and short shorts.

;

;WOW. I think I've found the perfect police department for me.

;

;You're under arrest, sugar!

;

;steve@portlandmercury.com

;
;
; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB;
;

;THURSDAY, MARCH 29

;;9 p.m. SCIFI REIGN OF THE GARGOYLES

;

;(Movie, 2007) Those goddamn goose-stepping Nazi rat bastards have come up with their most fiendish plan yet: American-hating gargoyles!

;;

;10 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;;In my opinion, the greatest Office episode of all time. Michael burns his foot on a George Foreman Grill, and Dwight throws up on his car.

;;

;FRIDAY, MARCH 30

;;7 p.m. SCIFI HEROES MINI-MARATHON

;

;Catch up on what you've missed with three back-to-back episodes!

;;

;8 p.m. CBS GHOST WHISPERER

;;(The following is NOT a joke.) When Delia is haunted ;by "Homer the Ghost Dog," she calls in TV's Dog Whisperer.

;;

;SATURDAY, MARCH 31

;;8 p.m. FOX COPS

;

;Hilarity ensues when a teenager eats an entire bag ; of pot.

;;

;SUNDAY, APRIL 1

;;10 p.m. A&E SONS OF HOLLYWOOD

;;Debut! The douchebag sons of famous celebrities try to make it without maids and daddy's money.

;;

;10:30 p.m. COM RENO: 911!

;;Spring premiere! The sheriff's department gets corporate sponsorship. Ooh! I hope it's Hormel Chili.

;;

;MONDAY, APRIL 2

;;9 p.m. FOX 24

;

;The vice president gives diplomacy a chance … for, like, two seconds before nuking the shit out of the Middle East.

;;

;10 p.m. ABC THE BACHELOR: OFFICER & A GENTLEMAN

;;Season premiere! A Navy officer chooses between 25 women … and … no men? OK, that's weird.

;;

;TUESDAY, APRIL 3

;;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

;;Poor Tony Bennett drops by to help Sanjaya learn to sing.

;;

;10 p.m. FX THE SHIELD

;;Season premiere! Everyone's sad over the death of Lem … except Shane, who blew him up with a grenade!

;;

;WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4

;;8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

;

;The girls attend a swanky party, which means someone's getting knocked into the pool!

;;

;10 p.m. ABC LOST

;

;Sawyer is banished from the tribe for being a jerk (read: too sexy).

;

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