I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Today we're going to talk about Smallville, and … OH, STOP GROANING. You know as well as I do that Smallville — the CW soap documenting the adventures of Superboy — is one of the few teen dramas left on TV. And that's a goddamn SHAME, if you ask me! My last remaining joy in life is watching physically attractive adults pretend to be teenagers, take their shirts off and wiggle their tongues down each other's throats.

;;The unfortunate thing about Smallville —other than its ludicrous plots, and the complete inability of Tom "Superboy" Welling to act his way out of a wet tissue — is that it can't go on much longer. At some point, Superboy has to become Superman … especially since Welling appears to be pushing 35 (still looks good without a shirt, though!). Rumor also has it that Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor) is planning on leaving Smallville — which makes me want to poop my pants, because he's the only person in the Smallville cast who actually knows what he's doing.

;

;While Welling struggles to portray even the most rudimentary emotion (you can almost hear the director coaching him, "Tom … look sad … no, SAD. Turn … turn the corners of your mouth down, Tom. I SAID DOWN!"), Rosenbaum plays Lex Luthor like a classical violinist — effortlessly switching from rage to hapless insecurity to batshit crazy.

;

;In fact, I wish my TiVo would only record the scenes he's in, because while this season of Smallville pretty much blows, Lex Luthor has been a super-creepy revelation. Example! If you've been watching lately, you'll know that Lex married and impregnated Clark's ex-girlfriend Lana Lang. (As my drunken friend Ed Tumberry likes to say, "That's a sad waste of some sweet, sweet tail.") HOWEVER! Whenever Lana's not around, Lex keeps dropping these weird, creepy hints about his wife's pregnancy, cryptically asking the doctor, "Is the procedure going as planned?" And the doctor is like all, "[Wink! Wink!] But of course, Mr. Luthor!" (Look. Male gynecologists are icky enough without the superfluous winking.)

;

;But then! Even though Lana has been knocked down a flight of stairs, shot with a gun and fallen through a skylight, the baby got through without a scratch — until the latest episode where Lana mysteriously fainted and supposedly suffered a miscarriage. And I say "supposedly" because after Lex comforted his grieving wife, he stepped outside to ask the doctor, "Is the procedure going as planned?" "[Wink! Wink!] But of course, Mr. Luthor!"

;

;STOP … THAT … WINKING!!

;

;Anyway, I'm thinking Lex drugged Lana, had the baby removed from her uterus thingy (or whatever you call it) and took the fetus to his top-secret laboratory, where he'll probably inject it with weird chemicals and turn it into a super-powered meteor freak! ;(If that were my dad, he would've injected me with chemicals to make me like football and stop obsessing over the Spice Girls.)

;

;ISN'T THAT A REALLY CREEPY PLOTLINE FOR A TEEN SOAP?? See, that's the reason why you should stop complaining about how Smallville is a stupid show for developmentally retarded TV critics like me, and give it another chance. Otherwise, it's just another sad waste of some sweet, sweet tail.

;;Evil and bald is beautiful.

;

;steve@portlandmercury.com

;
;
; THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB ;
;

;THURSDAY, APRIL 19

;;8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

;

;Lynda "Wonder Woman" Carter guest-stars as a meteor freak who just happens to be Chloe's mom!

;;

;9 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK

;

;The unfortunately named Floyd asks Liz to move with him to the Midwest. SNORT! Right.

;;

;FRIDAY, APRIL 20

;;8 p.m. MYTV THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH ;STEVE ZISSOU

;

;(Movie, 2004) In this quirky comedy from Wes Anderson, Bill Murray vows to kill the shark that ate his partner.

;;

;10 p.m. VH1 ACCEPTABLE TV

;;Be sure to check out this funny show where viewer sitcom pilots (like Homeless James Bond) are given a shot!

;;

;SATURDAY, APRIL 21

;;8 p.m. NBC HEROES MINI-MARATHON

;;Miss the last few episodes of Heroes? Get your nerd on and get caught up!

;;

;SUNDAY, APRIL 22

;;8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS

;

;Marge becomes obsessed with the dangerous world of online role-playing games!

;;

;9 p.m. TVLAND THE TV LAND AWARDS

;

;The greatest shows (past and present) are celebrated. There better be an award for Tom Selleck's mustache!

;

;MONDAY, APRIL 23

;;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;;Heroes returns from its break, and guess what? Creepy Eric Roberts still wants to kidnap Claire! He should get a hobby.

;;

;10 p.m. NBC REAL WEDDING CRASHERS

;;Debut! Pranksters infiltrate an actual wedding to ruin a couple's special day. NICE.

;;

;TUESDAY, APRIL 24

;;9 p.m. CW SEARCH FOR THE NEXT ;PUSSYCAT DOLL

;;The new Pussycat Doll is chosen and assimilated into the group. (In three months, look for her at a strip club near you.)

;;

;10 p.m. FX THE SHIELD

;

;When Vic's job is on the line, Claudette rides to the ;rescue!

;;

;WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

;;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

;

;Celebrities Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Borat, Gwen Stefani and more perform for charity. (By now, Sanjaya's a ;charity, right?)

;;

;8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

;

;It's never-before-seen footage of the girls getting loaded and scratching each other's eyes out. YAY!

;

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