I LOVE TELEVISION 


;Hi, everybody? How's it going? This week we're going to talk about … MOM!!! For the love of God, I'm trying to do my column right now! JEEZ! Yes, I'll do the dishes … Yes, I'll pick up my clothes … AND YES, I'll swab the toilet. I know it's disgusting, Mom! I like it that way! Now will you puh-leeze just leave me alone! My friends are watching! (SLAM!)

;

;Oh … my … God. This is the worst week of my life! Mom decided to pay me a visit, and because it's Mother's Day? I can't say a goddamn thing about it. Who came up with this B.S. holiday anyway? Probably the matriarchal industrial complex, which is always trying to keep me down! Regardless of whose decision it was, I now have to suffer an entire week of my mom telling me what a disgusting pig I am, and asking when I'm going to get a "real" job.

;

;TV CRITICISM IS A "REAL" JOB, MOTHER!

;

;And even though she'd rather have a doctor than a TV critic for a son, that doesn't stop her from constantly reminding me that her taste in television far exceeds that of my own. "Son, Battlestar Galactica is for lonely nerds who have no concept of a woman's nethers," she says, to which I reply, "First of all … uhh … GROSS! And secondly, I've seen more woman nethers than you have and … WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?!?"

;;Anyway, here's the point: if I like it? She hates it. And that includes Lost, Heroes, Smallville, Supernatural, Stargate SG-1 AND Stargate Atlantis. And for inexplicable reasons, she calls me a nerd! BUT GET A LOAD OF THE SHOWS SHE LIKES!

;;• Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8 p.m. Friday). OK, so get this! Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as a person who whispers to ghosts. And my mom loves it! I think it's sappy, derivative, has a serious intrinsic flaw: One doesn't whisper to ghosts, one BUSTS ghosts. Why? "'Cuz bustin' makes me feel good!"

;;• Gilmore Girls (The CW, 8 p.m. Tuesday). I'll admit it: I used to kinda sorta like this show about a snappy-talkin' mom/daughter duo. But do you know why I stopped watching it, and why it just got canceled? Because these gals are too much like my mom – always with the "NAG! NAG! NAG!" Unlike my mom, they are super-hot. Not that I ever look at my mom in a sexual way, because that's gross. On the other hand, that's not to say my mom isn't sexy, it's just that … OK. I think I'll shut up now.

;;• America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 p.m. Wednesday). Even the most disparate people can find the smallest slice of common ground, and this show fills that void for me and my mom. The season finale for this Tyra Banks-fueled unintentional comedy is this week, and mom and I both agree that Dionne is lazy, Renee is a B-word, Natasha is a commie and Jaslene is a slut. Natasha will win, proving there is no God, and … oh, for the love of … MOM!! Stop examining my underpants for "racing stripes." Yes, I washed them!!

;;Call your mom this Sunday.

;;steve@portlandmercury.com

;;;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

;

;THURSDAY, MAY 10

;;8:40 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;;When Michael decides to take a job with corporate, he sets up a series of Survivor-style games to choose his successor!

;;

;10 p.m. ABC TRAVELER

Debut! Two douchebags are suspected of being terrorists after being tricked by their friend. Poor douchebags.

;

;FRIDAY, MAY 11

;;9 p.m. CBS GHOST WHISPERER

;;Season finale! Melinda steps into a world-ending battle of good versus evil. Satisfied, Mom?

;;

;10 p.m. VH1 ACCEPTABLE TV

Season finale! The best of the most hilarious sitcom pilots are chosen; you sit back and laugh.

;

;SATURDAY, MAY 12

;;11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

;

;Former SNL star Molly Shannon hosts, along with former-band-you-gave-a-crap-about Linkin Park.

;;

;SUNDAY, MAY 13

;;8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: FIJI

;;Season finale! Here's the three-hour wrap-up of another show nobody likes except my mom.

;;

;10:30 p.m. COM RENO 911!

;;Season finale! Officer Dangle agrees to marry his ex-wife's husband. Wait … what?!

;;

;MONDAY, MAY 14

;;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;

;In order to beat the poop out of Sylar, Hiro turns to his dad, George Takei!

;;

;10 p.m. CBS CSI: MIAMI

;;Season finale! Horatio and the gang are psyched about putting a serial killer behind bars – until the actual serial killer turns up! Oops.

;;

;TUESDAY, MAY 15

;;8 p.m. CW GILMORE GIRLS

;;Series finale! The girls wrap it up with a special guest star: CNN's Christiane Amanpour. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

;;

;8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

;

;It's down to three finalists – which is to say, "No-neck" and the other two.

;;

;WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

;;8 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

;;Season finale! Vote for the commie!

;;

;10 p.m. ABC LOST

;

;Jack dreams up a master plan to do away with the Others — forever! (Cue dramatic music.)

;

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