I LOVE TELEVISION 


;OK, the absolute final episode of The Sopranos is this Sunday (HBO, 9 p.m.), and if the past six seasons are any indication, here's how it will end … Oh, yeah: SPOILER ALERT!

;

;"Gab, gab, gab. Nothing happens, nothing happens … wait. Looks like something's going to happen … aaaaand nothing happens. More gab, gab, gab, nothing happens – THEN SOMEBODY GETS HIS HEAD STOMPED IN AND SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLE GETS STUCK INSIDE HIS BUTT. Tony feels guilty, goes to his therapist, gab, gab, gab, and slow fade to black. THE END."

;

;Yeah. I'm really psyched I waited around six seasons for that. OK, fine, I'm being somewhat unfair, especially since the last few episodes of The Sopranos have been marginally more exciting — but C'MON! Everybody knows what Humpy lives for, and that's DANGER. In order for me to stay marginally interested in anything, there needs to be at least a small quotient of danger involved. Take doing my laundry, for example. Instead of sitting around the laundromat, bored out of my freaking skull, waiting for my clothes to dry, I like to steal other people's clothes, put them on, and see how long I can outrun the victims while staying inside the laundromat. My record is 38 minutes.

;;That's why most of these reality shows featuring washed-up celebs really bore the poop out of me. There's no danger involved! If there's not even the slightest possibility that Screech from Saved by the Bell is going to be brutally decapitated – then what's the point of watching TV?! (Other people I'd like to see decapitated: Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View, Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray and the top 10 finalists from American Idol … excluding Sanjaya.)

;

;However, there are two new shows debuting this week where "danger" is not only the theme, but if we're lucky, at least a couple of has-beens might be decapitated! Check 'em out (and keep your fingers crossed)!

;

;• Fast Cars & Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race (ABC, 8 p.m. Thursday) – Though I despise NASCAR and any drooling hillbilly who watches it, this show has promise … especially for its celebrity decapitation factor. In Fast Cars & Superstars, professional stock-car drivers team up with celebs such as William Shatner, Tony Hawk, Serena Williams, Jewel (?!?) and others to learn how to ram a car into a retaining wall at 200 mph. Plus, it's sponsored by Gillette razors. "This celebrity decapitation brought to you by Gillette: We love a really close shave!"

;;• Fight Girls (Oxygen, 10:30 p.m. Tuesday) – If you like to watch hot chicks beating the crap out of each other, then you might like this show! (Since it's on the Oxygen channel, you'll have to sit through some naggy female-empowerment lectures, but … c'mon, dude! Hot chicks! Fighting!) Seven American women train and travel to Thailand to battle the best Muay Thai boxers in the world! If you don't know what Muay Thai is, imagine someone pinning you in a corner and smashing you in the face, while simultaneously kneeing your genitals up into your throat. Now, that's what I call danger! (Oh, why can't Elisabeth Hasselbeck try out for this show?!)

;;"Danger" is my e-mail address.

;

;steve@portlandmercury.com

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;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

;

;THURSDAY, JUNE 7

;

;8 p.m. CBS PIRATE MASTER

;;

;If you haven't checked out this hilariously bad rip-off of Survivor, do so immediately! It's a ;butt-cringing hoot!

;
;

8 p.m. ABC FAST CARS & SUPERSTARS

;

;Debut! Like Dancing With the Stars, except the celebs crash and catch on fire.

;;

FRIDAY, JUNE 8

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;9 p.m. FOX STANDOFF

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;Return! Like hostage negotiations? Then you might like this snappy show starring Office Space's Ron Livingston.

;;

SATURDAY, JUNE 9

;

;9 p.m. BBCA HEX

;;

;It's more sexy witchery, when an evil demon tries to conjure up some sweet booty!

;
;

10 p.m. A&E STAR WARS: EMPIRE ;OF DREAMS

;;

An interesting documentary on the cultural impact of Star Wars, featuring talking heads such as … Stephen Colbert and Newt Gingrich?

;;

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

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;9 p.m. HBO THE SOPRANOS

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;Series finale! What goes around comes around, as the series ends in Tony's psychiatrist's office. Diagnosis? Still a sociopath!

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;10 p.m. VH1 FLAVOR OF LOVE GIRLS: CHARM SCHOOL

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;Season finale! The girls battle to see who is the most ladylike. Remember! Keep spitting to a minimum!

;;

MONDAY, JUNE 11

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;9 p.m. HBO BIG LOVE

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;Season premiere! More adventures with Utah's favorite sexy polygamists!

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;9 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

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;When a contestant begins crying from the pressure, Chef Ramsay provides comfort by calling him a "fat, blubbering, baby donkey."

;;

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

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;8 p.m. NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

;;

;Sharon Osbourne, the Hoff and that limey guy endure more painful auditions.

;
;

10:30 p.m.OXY FIGHT GIRLS

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;Debut! Two gals start training to be Muay Thai champions. Their first class: Slamming Knees Into the Genitals 101.

;;

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

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;10 p.m. BRAVO TOP CHEF

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;Season premiere! The kinder, gentler version of Hell's Kitchen returns, with cooks who can actually cook!

;

;10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

;

;Season premiere! New York's most dysfunctional firefighters return for more illicit sex, violence and pill popping. Yay!


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