I LOVE TELEVISION 


First things first: My car will blow the freaking DOORS off your car. It's packing a 430 four-barrel, and it's so monstrously fast I have to repaint it every week — because the paint burns off, Count Bee-yotchula! That's right, I love to race. And it doesn't matter if I'm on the drag strip, the highway, a school zone or the parking lot of Arby's, I burn so much rubber the federal government is afraid of a condom shortage. (But that's also because I use so many condoms.)

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, why am I privy to this information?" Good question. 1) Consider it a warning that if you are ever unfortunate enough to race with me, I will leave your crap-ass Toyota Corolla in a heap of melted parts 10 feet off the starting line. Oh, and 2) I really hate NASCAR.

Now before you label me an incredibly handsome stinking hypocrite, hear me out: I love almost every other form of racing, from dragsters to motocross to Le Mans — but when it comes to NASCAR? That is the sport of toothless hillbillies, and I want nothing to do with it. See, if I wanted to watch a car endlessly going around in circles, I'd watch you drive to and from work every day. (BTW, stop picking your nose when you drive. It's gross.) And yet? This moronic "sport" is beloved by millions of hayseed-chewing dullards slurping down can after can of Coors Light and screaming, "YEEEEE-HAW! That there flying tire nearly hit me in my ugly stupid face! I coulda lost mah last tooth!"

And while there may be millions of Americans who are in total agreement with my wise opinion, the mass media is all too happy to kowtow to the whims of these inbred half-wits. For example, every other week TV Guide glorifies these undeserving NASCRAP drivers with covers and in-depth articles (with titles such as, "Tony Stewart: ‘How Sleeping With My Cousin Relieves Pre-Race Stress'"). And yet, when I write TV Guide asking, "Where's the all-nude pictorial of the girls from Battlestar Galactica?" I don't even get an answer!

This week on TV, ABC plans on making a bad situation even worse with their new limited series, NASCAR in Primetime (9 p.m. Wednesday, Aug. 15), in which ABC News goes behind the scenes to follow around drivers, officials and the sport's drooling, mentally incontinent fans to get the so-called "real" story of NASCAR. Now, I'm in no position to judge, but doesn't ABC News have any better stories they could be working on? Like maybe … ohhhhh, I don't know … THE WAR IN IRAQ? Unless ABC News plans on including a segment titled "Let's Have a Mandatory Draft for Redneck Hillbilly NASCAR Fans," then this entire series sounds like the biggest pile of BULLPOOP that has ever fallen from TV's brownhole.

In summation, NASCRAP is the genital warts of car racing, and if you want to really know what true racing is all about, bring your fastest car and meet me in front of the Millard Fillmore Elementary School in Portland at 8 a.m. in the morning. (Don't worry, I know the crossing guard. He's cool.)

Get yer motor runnin'!

steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, AUG. 9

9 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Michael and Jan reveal their relationship to the world with a little help from liquor.

9 p.m. SCIFI WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?

Stan Lee pairs up the heroes to battle Dr. Dark. (Isn't he my proctologist?)

FRIDAY, AUG. 10

9 p.m. SCIFI FLASH GORDON

Debut! The classic hero returns to save Earth from Ming the Merciless! (Isn't he my proctologist?)

SATURDAY, AUG. 11

9 p.m. FXRLTY SOLITARY 2.0

A group of contestants are sent into solitary confinement to see who can go less crazy!

9 p.m. VH1 NY77: THE COOLEST YEAR IN HELL

A look back at 1977 in NYC, featuring the Mets, a heat wave and everybody's favorite psycho, Son of Sam.

SUNDAY, AUG. 12

9 p.m. SPIKE THE KILL POINT

Don't forget to check out this trashy violent piece of pulp fiction about a bank heist gone horribly wrong.

10 p.m. COM THE FLAVOR FLAV ROAST

The former Public Enemy rapper is roasted by comedians. Every time a clock reference is made, you drink.

MONDAY, AUG. 13

9 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season finale! Chef Ramsay must choose between a crappy chef and a marginally less crappy chef.

10:30 p.m. SHOW CALIFORNICATION

Debut! David "I used to be in The X-Files" Duchovny stars as a washed-up writer who has lots of sex.

TUESDAY, AUG. 14

9 p.m. DSC DIRTY JOBS

Mike volunteers to count baby herons. And why is that "dirty"? Did we mention he'll be doing it on "Vomit Island"?

10 p.m. FX DAMAGES

Patty's team of crafty lawyers preps their star witness in this twisty-turny legal thriller.

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 15

9 p.m. ABC NASCAR IN PRIMETIME

Debut! Tonight, an in-depth look at how many cans of Coors a hillbilly can drink while watching a car go round and round.

10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

The Gavin family stages an intervention, which is like Keith Richards scolding an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.


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