I LOVE TELEVISION 


You know, some people have the gall to accuse ME of not knowing how a television show actually works. Well, as it turns out, I do know how a television show "works." First of all, you get a bunch of retarded monkeys to bang out a script. Then you get a bunch of community-theater actors to hop around a set screaming and flailing their arms. Then after camera people videotape it, a bunch of electronic stuff happens, and — voilà! — it shows up on my TV set to entertain me while I stuff my big, fat face with pepperoni Hot Pockets.

See? Making TV isn't really that complicated. In fact, at one point in my life, I actually worked for a local TV news station. So suffice it to say, I also know how local TV news "works." First, you hire a staff of retarded monkeys — preferably with journalism degrees. (These are the same retarded monkeys that couldn't get jobs at a newspaper.) Then you say, "Look! There's a fire truck! CHASE IT!" Then the retarded monkeys chase the fire truck, ambulance, police car or whatever and then stand in front of the camera and say, "As always, a grisly murder/fire/car wreck is our top story … and we're on the scene … LIVE!" Then a bunch of electronic stuff happens and — voilà! — it shows up on my TV set to disgust me while I stuff my big, fat face with pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Of course, there's more to local news than that — there's also weather, sports, a health segment and ads for products that are dressed up to look like news, but really aren't. But what I love best about local TV news teams are their attempts at feigning journalistic integrity — something they do by acting very serious and constantly reminding everyone how they're doing a great service to the community by gleefully describing every car wreck, rape and murder.

That being said, you should definitely check out Anchorwoman, a new reality show from Fox (debuting 8 p.m. Wednesday, Aug. 22), in which a former bikini model (with absolutely no journalism experience) is trained to become a local news anchor. The Texas news station is a low-rated CBS affiliate looking for a way to beef up its abysmally low ratings. So the owner rolls the dice and hires Lauren Jones, a gorgeous ex-model/ex-beauty-pageant-winner with zero news sense — but on the upside, she has really nice cans.

Naturally, the snooty-snoots in the newsroom hit the roof, complaining loudly that their reputations will be permanently besmirched. However, when they realize no one is watching them anyway, they figure, "Oh, what the hell."

Meanwhile, competing stations and national news outlets have been all over this show like flies on feces, chastising the station for "violating the sacred grounds of journalistic integrity." SNORT! Yeah, right. The next time anyone notices any station with an ugly news anchor, please bring it to our attention. In the meantime, check out Anchorwoman to see if beautiful ex-model Lauren Jones can compete on the same level as a group of ambulance-chasing retarded monkeys. My guess is "yup."

Back to you, gal with the big cans.

steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, AUG. 16

8 p.m. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

Season finale! It's the two-hour conclusion of the jelly-shaking-est show on TV!

9 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Another hilarious Office repeat where Michael negotiates (poorly) for a pay raise.

FRIDAY, AUG. 17

8 p.m. DIS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2

(Movie, 2007) Zac Efron returns as the dreamy effeminate heartthrob in the sequel to the most popular tween movie ever!

9 p.m. SCIFI FLASH GORDON

Ming the Merciless hires the universe's most badass bounty hunter to put the whammy on Flash.

SATURDAY, AUG. 18

8 p.m. NBC U.S. GYMNASTICS CHAMPIONSHIP

How to sum this up … hmmm … OK, how about a bunch of midgets in tights hopping around?

SUNDAY, AUG. 19

9 p.m. SPIKE THE KILL POINT

Mr. Wolf's army pals decide to take matters into their own hands. (P.S. They're not a very subtle group of guys.)

9 p.m. HBO BIG LOVE

It's a new day and time slot for America's favorite show about polygamy!

MONDAY, AUG. 20

9 p.m. VH1 THE PICK-UP ARTIST

Don't miss this butt-clenching show about dorks being taught how to pick up chicks by the biggest d-bag in the world!

10 p.m. COURT BAIT CAR

Film crews catch thieves stealing actual cars and … HEY! That's my Toyota Corolla!!

TUESDAY, AUG. 21

8 p.m. NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

Season finale! Will this show finally be able to prove that someone in America has talent? Yeah, I doubt it, too.

9 p.m. HBO AS YOU LIKE IT

(Movie, 2006) Kenneth Branagh directs Shakespeare's comedy with a little acting help from Bryce Dallas Howard and Kevin Kline.

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 22

8 p.m. FOX ANCHORWOMAN

Debut! Beauty pageant winner Lauren Jones brings no experience to her new TV news job. (But did we mention her nice cans?)

10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME

For reasons unknown, the Gavin family's trip to AA doesn't go quite as planned.


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