I LOVE TELEVISION 


Though it may come as a surprise to some, I often find myself “in trouble.” However, it should be noted that any “trouble” I stumble into is rarely, if ever, my fault. In fact, if anyone’s responsible, I blame SOCIETY and their overly strict rules (which include, but are not limited to, public sexuality, car racing, breaking and entering, and stealing and leaving, and bathroom meth preparation and usage). I’m telling you this because now and then “readers” try to get me in trouble. They write my boss and say things like, “Humpy used the word ‘retarded’ in his column this week. Tell him he’s in trouble!” Or, “Humpy gave the impression in his column that he would have good sex with me, and then when I had sex with him, he wasn’t so good. Tell him he’s in trouble!”

Happily, I’m not the only person in the world who slips into “trouble territory” on a regular basis. TV shows get into trouble, too! Every fall, a bunch of new shows are touted as the greatest thing since the George Foreman Grill (which is pretty great, BTW). However, it quickly becomes apparent that these same shows are not so great, and are, in fact, ridiculously sucky. That’s when they get in trouble, and their days become numbered. However, these shows have no idea what trouble really is. To prove my point, I will provide the names of a few shows that are in trouble and contrast that with an example of how I’ve been even more in troublier! (Yes, “troublier” is a word.)

Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Wednesday, NBC). OK, FINE. I admit I was originally dripping for this show. EXCUSE ME for being blinded by my libido, and now even I have to admit it kinda sorta stinks. And apparently America agrees, because in its second episode, viewership dropped off by a whopping 28 percent. Unless they get better writers and ratings, Bionic Woman is in for a bionic ass kickin’! But that kind of trouble is nothing compared to the time I humped the wife of the mayor (and then poked his daughter later on in the week). That was trouble.

K-Ville (9 p.m. Monday, Fox). This well-intentioned cop show about the rebuilding of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina had its heart in the right place … until that heart was ripped from its body and pummeled by the ratings, which dropped a whopping 31 percent in its second week! While troubling, it’s still not as troublesome as the time I stole a police car and rammed it into a Scientology center.

Cavemen (8 p.m. Tuesday, ABC). When you base the entire premise of a show on a GEICO commercial, you’re asking for trouble. And this moderately bad show got it when its premiere episode started with 9.2 million viewers and then dropped like a Paleolithic-era rock down to 7 million. Brrrringg! Brrrrringg! Hey, Cavemen! Charles Darwin just called and said, “You’re going extinct, bitches! Boo-yah!” (But that’s not as much trouble as the time I imitated Charles Darwin on the phone and was promptly sued by his estate. Boo-yah.)

My middle name is “Trouble.”
steve@portlandmercury.com


THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Oct. 18

10 p.m. AMC MAD MEN

Season finale! If you missed this awesomely cool series, be sure to hit it up on DVD! It’s addictive!

10 p.m. CBS VIVA LAUGHLIN

Debut! A semi-musical(?) about a free-spirited businessman who tries to open up a Nevada casino.

FRIDAY, Oct. 19

8 p.m. FOX NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND

Debut! America must weed through 12 crappy bands to decide which one is “best” – which sounds like a normal weekend to me.

SATURDAY, Oct. 20

8 p.m. MTV A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA

A bisexual Internet star chooses between a group of girls and guys to decide which one she’d like to bone.

8:30 p.m. FAM E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

(Movie, 1982) A monster with a glowing finger spends way too much time with kids. This is a job for To Catch a Predator!

SUNDAY, Oct. 21

9 p.m. VH1 AMERICA’S MOST SMARTEST MODEL

The models must compete in the “Battle of the Bulge” (i.e., World War II trivia and general knowledge about cellulite).

10:30 p.m. COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

Sarah bets that it’s easier to be a black person than a Jewish person. Sloooowly step away from the topic.

MONDAY, Oct. 22

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

A hero learns a mysterious woman (Veronica Mars’ Kristen Bell) is following him! Woo-hoo!

10:30 p.m. MTV KAYA

Debut! A “scripted” show from MTV about the life of a young recording star. Hint: Keep your expectations LOW.

TUESDAY, Oct. 23

9 p.m. CW REAPER

Sam receives a copy of the contract his parents signed with the Devil – too bad it’s in Latin!

10 p.m. FX DAMAGES

Season finale! Another series that’s better to watch on DVD, because it’s super twisty-turny!

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 24

8 p.m. ABC PUSHING DAISIES

Nick tries to discover whether a pilot who crashed his plane into a building committed suicide – or if he was a pal of Osama bin You-know-who.

10 p.m. ABC DIRTY SEXY MONEY

The twins throw separate b-day parties for themselves – costing a million each?!?


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