I LOVE TELEVISION 


When one’s sex life is as varied as mine, it takes a lot to scare you. Let me tell you: I have seen and/or done it ALL. So this Halloween, if you’re trying to frighten me by passing off a bowl of grapes as human eyeballs? Or wads of spaghetti as “brains”? That’s not gonna cut it. I’m only scared by one thing – and that’s REALITY. I’m frightened by backward baseball hat–wearing dickwads driving 4-by-4 trucks. I’m frightened by the way Dick Cheney looks like Penguin from the Batman comics, if you put him in a top hat and monocle. And I’m frightened by the look my doctor gives me when I show up accompanied by two strippers and chewing a chicken-fried steak.

HOWEVER! There’s one thing that scares me even more than a crazed ex-lover stalking me with a broken beer bottle. AND IT’S RACHAEL RAY’S NECK.

Originally discovered by Oprah (who also infected the world with the heinous Dr. Phil), Rachael Ray has gone from small-time cooking show host to a bazillion-dollar industry, hosting programs such as 30-Minute Meals, as well her syndicated afternoon snooze fest, Rachael Ray. But that’s not all! She’s also published at least 11 cookbooks, as well as her own magazine, titled Everyday With Rachael Ray. Am I jealous? YOU BET YOUR ASS! But that doesn’t lessen the horror of her gravely voice, honking laugh, stupid catchphrases (yum-O!) and especially … her super-creepy-looking neck!

If you’ve never seen her neck (or lack thereof), please consult the inset photo labeled “NECK.” As you will note, Rachael Ray’s neck is exactly one-quarter inch long. How a short, stumpy neck like that can support her massive watermelon head is beyond me. I mean, the sheer weight of her teeth alone should send her bloated noggin crashing down to the earth. In short, that’s one short neck.

So imagine my shock, surprise and accumulating horror when I was in the grocery store and spotted Rachael Ray’s photo on the back of a Triscuit box – and her normally midget-y neck had mysteriously quadrupled in size! (Actually, it more than quadrupled … I just can’t think of a word that means more than quadrupled. Maybe … multirupled?) Please consult the inset photo labeled “FREAK NECK.” After carefully comparing these two necks, I feel confident you will join me in squealing … WHAT THE FAWK IS GOING ON HERE?!?

I have two theories: 1) She had a neck lift. That’s a medical procedure wherein plastic surgeons take bones from your ankles and meat from your titties to artificially elongate your neck. (I would hypothesize that she also had some additional “work” done to her face – but her titties don’t appear much smaller.) Or 2) She half-swallowed an entire cheese log – which was probably made on one of her crappy shows. Regardless of how she acquired her “FREAK NECK,” all I know is that it “freaks” me out! That’s why on this Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing ever, Rachael Ray’s Neck. (So if you see a 6-foot tall, flesh-colored cylindrical object hopping around, please do not refer to me as a penis. I’m Rachael Ray’s neck.)

Am I being “neck-ist”?
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Oct. 25

9:30 p.m. NBC SCRUBS

Season premiere! This hospital-based sitcom
is back for its seventh season, proving that
mediocrity is always rewarded.

10:30 p.m. MTV MAKING MENUDO

Debut! Sorry, Ricky Martin! The Latino boy band is being reformed with all new members, and there’s no room for abuelo!

FRIDAY, Oct. 26

9 p.m. ABC WOMEN’S MURDER CLUB

The gals vow to track down the guy who gave their show THE DUMBEST TITLE OF ALL TIME.

SATURDAY, Oct. 27

8 p.m. AMC THE EXORCIST

(Movie, 1973) A pre-teen screams at mom, vomits pea soup and masturbates with a cross. Sounds like a job for Dr. Phil.

9 p.m. SCIFI HEADLESS HORSEMAN

(Movie, 2007) A town plans to sacrifice a gang of sexed-up teens to a noggin-free equestrian.

SUNDAY, Oct. 28

8 p.m. NBC THE BOURNE SUPREMACY

(Movie, 2004) Matt Damon stars as an ass-kickin’ secret agent amnesiac!

10:30 p.m. COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

Sarah must figure out a way to pay for her dead mother’s broken headstone. I don’t want to know.

MONDAY, Oct. 29

9 p.m. PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

A fascinating documentary on the life of America’s favorite cartoonist, Charles Schulz.

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

Claire decides to teach the head cheerleader a
lesson; a classic plan that never, ever ends well.

TUESDAY, Oct. 30

9 p.m. BRAVO QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY

Series finale! This show is still on the air? Yes, it is! But it’s your last chance to get queered, so don’t miss it!

10 p.m. FX NIP/TUCK

Season premiere! Christian & Co. move to the plastic surgery capitol of the world, Los Angeles!

WEDNESDAY, Oct. 31

8 p.m. ABC IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN

Linus is convinced that a living giant pumpkin will visit him on Halloween – until the meds kick in.

9 p.m. SCIFI GHOST HUNTERS LIVE

Six straight hours of live ghost hunting … or you could go to sleep, which is what I plan on doing.


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