I LOVE TELEVISION 


Another thing I’m really good at? Pointing out other people’s problems. You know how psychiatrists work, right? I’m kind of the opposite. Instead of identifying and helping solve the problems, I just point them out. That way I’m not wasting my time, and can really focus on picking apart the problems of a lot of people at once.

Example? Here’s your problem: You’re insecure, and you spend your life with your head up your ass. You drive too much, you eat too much, and your genitalia is too small. (This especially goes for the second Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.) See? Did you see how I did that? I laid out your primary problems in no uncertain terms, and then immediately turned my back on you … because, C’MON! I can’t cure tiny genitalia.

I should really go into business for myself. I can see the ad now: “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM? Now you can find out the truth with the help of highly paid corporate consultant Wm.™ Steven Humphrey. By the way, your breath smells like someone farted into an onion.” WOW! My only problem is I should’ve realized how brilliant I am sooner! In fact, my first assignment as a highly paid problem consultant should be for the networks – which have so many problems, I hardly know where to start. Mmmmm … not true. I’ll start here:

Gossip Girl (9 p.m. Wednesday, the CW). OK, the reason everyone is vaguely dissatisfied with you, yet still watches you, is simple: You’re like The O.C.’s special-ed class. You’ve got too many characters, and yet they’re all reminiscent of The O.C.’s worst character, Marissa Cooper! Even your “Seth” character is as bland as Marissa – and in case you haven’t figured it out … I HATE MARISSA! She single-handedly drove that show off a cliff. Why? Because Marissa’s problem is that she was a whiny skinny hag with a drinking addiction and a permanent yeast infection. (NOTE: I have no real medical proof of a yeast infection – but it would certainly explain a lot.)

Bionic Woman (9 p.m. Wednesday, NBC). OK, first of all, if you have a bionic arm, eye, ear and legs – STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT. Seriously, what could be more awesome? And yet all Jaime Sommers does is NAG, NAG, NAG. Secondly, the scripts have all the intelligence of a love letter written by a fourth grader to Hanson. Thirdly, when your EVIL bionic woman (Katee Sackhoff) is hotter and more interesting than the GOOD bionic woman? Well … that’s a problem, isn’t it?!?

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (6 a.m. Sunday, WMFE-TV). Where do I start? There’s no need to remove your coat and shoes inside … and then replace them with another coat and pair of shoes! And why wait until the end of the show to feed the goldfish? They’re STARVING, jerkhole! Plus the trolley line going through the Neighborhood of Make-Believe should be extended to the outlying, less affluent areas of Make-Believe. And why does Henrietta Pussycat have to interject “meow meow” into every sentence? Either speak ENGLISH or CAT … OK?? (I could go on, but this is when I turn my back on you. Good luck!)

You got money? I’ll tell you your problem.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Nov. 1

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

Helen Slater (who played Supergirl in the movie) visits to play Superman’s Kryptonian mom. That’s just freaky.

9 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

Michael has an interoffice freakout when Karen tries to woo Stanley away from Scranton!

FRIDAY, Nov. 2

10:30 p.m. COM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS

It’s the hilarious HBO sitcom about a pair of New Zealand musicians – except now it’s on Comedy Central!

SATURDAY, Nov. 3

8 p.m. TBS MEAN GIRLS

(Movie, 2004) Tina Fey’s hilarious homage to the bitchy teen – starring a pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan!

11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by news anchor Brian Williams (somebody remind him to remove the stick from his ass).

SUNDAY, Nov. 4

8 p.m. CBS AMAZING RACE

Season premiere! Teams race around the globe for cash and glory, insulting every culture along the way!

8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS

It’s “Treehouse of Horror XVIII,” in which Homer must kill Kent Brockman, and Ned Flanders scares the kids (which he does anyway, right?).

MONDAY, Nov. 5

9 p.m. VH1 I LOVE NEW YORK

In this hilarious dating show, the men realize their next challenge is… a blood oath?

9:45 p.m. ABC SAMANTHA WHO?

Since amnesiac Sam has no memory of having sex, then that must make her a virgin … right? RIGHT??

TUESDAY, Nov. 6

9 p.m. CW REAPER

Satan offers Sam advice on picking up chicks!

10 p.m. TBS THE OFFICE

A classic Office repeat in which Dwight incurs brain damage after Michael roasts his foot on a George Foreman Grill.

WEDNESDAY, Nov. 7

8 p.m. CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

The girls have a “ho down” while acting in a music video!

9 p.m. FOX KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

Chef Ramsay goes head to head with a chef who’s an even bigger a-hole than he is!


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