I LOVE TELEVISION 


Logic dictates there are certain things you should never trust a 98-year-old man to do: 1) Be left alone with your girlfriend. I’m telling you, at that age, he has nothing to lose. 2) Operate heavy machinery – and remember, anything larger than a roller skate is heavy to a 98-year-old. 3) Keep you in his will. Especially if your girlfriend – or a stripper – is around. OH, LET’S STOP PLAYING GAMES, SHALL WE? Ninety-eight-year-old men cannot be trusted under any circumstances. A 98-year-old will poison you with antifreeze, then look a judge straight in the eye and say, “What are ya gonna do? Sentence me to LIFE??” They’ll poop on your floor, gum all your oatmeal and never ever die, even after a direct nuclear attack. (Ninety-eight-year-old men are like cockroaches in that way.)

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TUBE

THURSDAY, Nov. 29

8:30 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK

Jack takes an interest in a Little League team. An unholy interest.

9 p.m. BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST

A one-hour stand-up special in which Kathy explains why she won an Emmy and told Jesus to “suck it!”

FRIDAY, Nov. 30

8 p.m. ABC THE POLAR EXPRESS

(Movie, 2004) Tom Hanks is the creepiest CG train conductor ever in this holiday “classic.”

SATURDAY, Dec. 1

8 p.m. NBC RADIO CITY CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR

Matt Lauer and Merry Vieira host this holiday gala featuring the world-famous Rockettes – who are famous for kicking things.

9 p.m. BBCA TORCHWOOD

Season finale! Cap’n Harkness and the gang try to figure out this whole “destruction of the universe” thingie.

SUNDAY, Dec. 2

9 p.m. SCIFI TIN MAN

(Movie, 2007) Part one of a three-part science fiction retelling of the Wizard of Oz. Robot flying monkeys? I’m so there!

10 p.m. COM COMEDY CENTRAL’S LAST LAUGH ’07

Laugh (or wince, if you prefer) at the worst of 2007 with host Lewis Black.

MONDAY, Dec. 3

8 p.m. NBC CHUCK

For a mission, Chuck gets to pretend to be Sarah’s husband – without the fringe benefits.

9 p.m. NBC HEROES

The last new episode for a while, thanks to the writers’ strike. (Cue up those episodes of Green Acres!)

TUESDAY, Dec. 4

8 p.m. CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Season finale! Voters decide which beauty is most brainy and which geek is least geeky.

10 p.m. CBS VICTORIA’S SECRET
FASHION SHOW

Hot models strut around in their underpants; special guests: the Spice Girls (who can keep their clothes on, please).

WEDNESDAY, Dec. 5

8 p.m. CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL

The models travel to Shanghai, China, where
they immediately violate several international treaties.

10 p.m. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

The designers are assigned to a “fashion faux pas” challenge. Umm … where do I sign up?

As you may have gathered, I’m not a big fan of 98-year-old men. HOWEVER! I was completely shocked (and a little put off, frankly) by the news that a 98-year-old man recently had a pretty good idea! Normally, a good idea for a 98-year-old is “Can you please lift my head out of his bowl of Metamucil? I seem to be drowning.” But this idea? This idea can benefit EVERYONE!

So as you know, there’s a writer’s strike going on, which I was fully supporting … until I realized the writers weren’t going to do any writing. So instead of new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock, for the foreseeable future we can expect a crap-ton of repeats and poopified reality shows. HOWEVER! Weirdly enough, a 98-year-old former TV director has come up with a fairly brilliant idea: Take old television shows and reshoot them with new casts! See, as it turns out, this 98-year-old is Richard L. Bare, a veteran TV director who helmed 168 episodes of the classic 1960s sitcom, Green Acres. For those who don’t recall, Green Acres was freaking FUNNY! It was all about this fancy-pants city lawyer with a stick up his ass and his spoiled socialite wife who move to a dilapidated farm in Hooterville and co-exist with hillbillies. Naturally, anything involving a hillbilly is a sure-fire recipe for hilarity – and these hillbillies were either super-smart, super-devious, or super-dumb, which caused no end of trouble for the high-falutin’ city slicker. Oh, and there was also a pig who watched TV. (Talk about social satire!)

Anyhoo, to prove I’m at least as smart as a 98-year-old, I would take Bare’s idea and do it one better – by reshooting the original scripts, word-for-word, on the original sets, with original TV equipment! So then, the only difference would be the actors … and that’s where the real fun starts! For example, one could reshoot an entire episode of Green Acres using only cast members from the ’80s brat pack flick St. Elmo’s Fire – with Andrew McCarthy as Mr. Douglas, Demi Moore as Lisa Douglas, Judd Nelson as the farmhand Eb, Rob Lowe as Mr. Ziffel and Mare Winningham as the pig! OMIGOD, this idea is so freaking awesome, I’m peeing all over myself. (Wait … does that make me a 98-year-old man?)

Pass the Metamucil.

steve@portlandmercury.com

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