I LOVE TELEVISION 


My fellow Americans: We have a serious and potentially life-threatening problem facing our nation this week. Shockingly, the president of the United States has scheduled his State of the Union address to directly conflict with not one, but TWO of my fave new shows! First, there’s American Gladiators (a show which has already been proven – by ME in last week’s column – to be even more awesome than a hand job). Then there’s Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (which needs no defense, because robots are automatically more awesome than hand jobs … unless we’re talking about those stupid vacuum-cleaner robots, in which case, I’ll take the hand job).

So, here’s my question to President Bush: “Why are you such a blithering MORON?” Isn’t the point of these stupid “State of the Union” addresses to convince Americans that you actually know what you’re doing?? Am I not correct in assuming that, at this point in your career, you need all the support you can get? You’ve practically destroyed American credibility across the globe with your idiotic cowboy antics, and now you want to further alienate yourself from the public by horning in on time that was CLEARLY set aside for gladiators and murderous robots? To put it bluntly, Mr. President … ARE YOU INSANE?!?

Mr. President, did you not SEE that amazing episode of American Gladiators where that one chick was playing Powerball (where the gladiators shoot cannons at the contestants), and she hit gladiator Hellga’s target dead center, sending the Aryan hottie blasting 50 feet into the sky and then dropping her into the arena’s swimming pool? I sincerely doubt your State of the Union will contain anything quite as awesome as that. In fact, unless you’ve secretly captured Osama bin Laden and plan on catapulting him 50 feet into the air – you may want to reconsider the wisdom of scheduling your DUMBASS speech at this particular time!!

And Mr. President! Have you not been WATCHING Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles? Your constituents have! In fact, this action-packed Terminator spinoff scored the highest-rated scripted broadcast debut in three years, and is even MORE popular than Gladiators (if that’s possible). Why is it so popular? Hmmm … well, let’s think about that for a minute. Could it be because TTSCC has crazy rampaging robots chasing a dude and two totally hot chicks (one of whom is a hot robot) all around the country? And these hot chicks are constantly shooting big sexy guns, and chopping the heads off evil robots? Bearing that in mind, what is it then that YOU, Mr. President, want to talk to us about? Temporary tax cuts? “Staying the course in Iraq”? Mmmm … WE THINK WE’RE GONNA PASS. In fact, we’ve decided we like our NEW course much better – the one where we follow a hot chick and lop off the heads of some evil future robots! BOO-YAH!

So in conclusion, Mr. President: Until you have something other than half-ass excuses and lies to share with the country, we would much rather watch steroid-addled beefcakes being catapulted into a pool and red-eyed killer robots from the future. Both have more credibility than YOU.

Home of the robot hand job.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Jan. 24

8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY

Season finale! Betty gets a plum interview with a famous novelist … except it’s not that famous novelist.

10 p.m. NBC CHUCK

Season finale! Captain Awesome asks Chuck for Ellie’s hand in marriage. What … you’re going to say no to Captain Awesome?

FRIDAY, Jan. 25

10 p.m. USA PSYCH

Shawn and Gus look for a murderer on the set of a Spanish soap opera. Aiiieee! Homocidio!

SATURDAY, Jan. 26

8 p.m. FX BATMAN BEGINS

(Movie, 2005) Christian Bale proves he’s
somewhat better than George Clooney in this
fun prequel to the Batman legend.

9 p.m. BBC TORCHWOOD

Season premiere! Captain Jack Harkness
returns with his bisexual band of secret agent alien hunters.

SUNDAY, Jan. 27

9 p.m. NBC GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS: TOP 100

A death-defying stunt tops an evening of most push-ups performed and the longest, grossest fingernail competitions.

10 p.m. AMC BREAKING BAD

Walter and Jesse store their meth experiments in an RV. Can’t wait to travel cross-country with these guys!

MONDAY, Jan. 28

9:01 p.m. ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

Unless he’s apologizing for seven years of fawk-ups – WE’RE NOT INTERESTED.

TUESDAY, Jan. 29

8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

More hopefuls audition and … can someone hold Paula’s head up?

8 p.m. CW REAPER

In this funny repeat Sam tracks down an angry soul who attacks ex-boyfriends with insects!

WEDNESDAY, Jan. 30

8 p.m. CW CROWNED

Season finale! The final most annoying mother/daughter team is chosen, beheaded and buried in a shallow grave.

10:30 p.m. COM RENO 911!

The department’s new bulletproof vests have an unexpected side effect. Let me guess … they don’t stop bullets?


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