I LOVE TELEVISION 


Ever had a moment, after hearing news so utterly astounding, so unbelievably wonderful that you can only sit quietly and tremble with your hand over your mouth? Well, my friends, I recently had such a moment after learning that one of my favorite celebrities is joining the cast of Dancing With the Stars. It is a name that can only be uttered with the most groveling reverence. It is a name that strikes fear and awe into the gods themselves. It is a name that can only be whispered – for fear of the heavens crashing down upon our heads. And yet? It is a name comprised of three simple words: Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg.

O! SWEET JOY! O! SWEET EXALTATION! Having Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg join the cast of Dancing With the Stars (debuting March 17 on ABC) is like … well, it’s like an ancient warrior returning home with the blood of victory dripping from his mouth! The women swoon! The children fawn! And the men gnash their teeth in fits of jealous rage. THIS … is power. THIS … is luminescence. THIS … is the MAJESTY of Guttenberg!

Wait … WHAT?! Oh, ho, ho … I KNOW you didn’t just say, “Who’s Steve Guttenberg?” Because (ha!) if you did? You would be revealed as the most debased, most IGNORANT of blasphemers! Though I loathe repeating the obvious, Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg is ONLY the greatest actor of this or any other age, gracing such classic film franchises as Cocoon, Three Men and a Baby and the first FOUR Police Academy films.

AND YET?! We haven’t scratched the surface of glorious Guttenberg’s career. Who could forget his whimsical innocence in the 1980 disco hit Can’t Stop the Music (co-starring the Village People and Bruce Jenner)? Or his heartbreaking turn in Short Circuit as a heroic scientist who invents “Johnny 5” – an adorable robot who helps Ally Sheedy learn about life and eventually bone the hirsute Guttenberg?

OH! And speaking of “hirsute,” I stupidly forgot to mention der Guttenberg’s greatest asset: His formidable, gorgeously hairy chest! Just search Google images (or repeatedly freeze frame and ruin your VHS copy of Cocoon, like I did), and you’ll easily witness his pecs’ bewhiskered magnificence. OHHHH, THAT WONDROUS BOSOM. It’s like a swimming pool of lustrous hair – into which I would dive, sink to the bottom and die … happily breathing in its downy follicles … ohhh … sweet, welcoming death … HUH? WHA?? OH. Wow … I really drifted off there for a moment – as I’m sure you have whenever the thought of Guttenberg’s glorious tufted breasts pop to mind.

ANYWAY, as you may have surmised, I think Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg is pretty awesome. And I can’t wait to see him DESTROY those other half-baked, dead-ass celebs on Dancing With the Stars! Such as actress Marlee Matlin! Marlee, when Guttenberg hits the stage, you’re gonna wish you were BLIND instead of DEAF – because your eyes are gonna pop out of their sockets and roll into Bruno Tonioli’s mouth.

Worshipping the hair up there.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Feb. 28

9 p.m. ABC LOST

While flying back to the freighter, Desmond experiences unusual side effects. Vomity side effects.

9 p.m. CW REAPER

In this funny repeat, Sam is forced to do plumbing chores for Satan’s naggy girlfriend! Oh, if I only had a nickel ….

FRIDAY, Feb. 29

8 p.m. TVLAND SIXTEEN CANDLES

(Movie, 1984) Molly Ringwald? The only thing standing between you and hunky Jake Ryan is your family, Long Duk Dong … and ME!

SATURDAY, MARCH 1

7 p.m. SPIKE KILL BILL VOL. 1

(Movie, 2003) Uma Thurman stars as an ass-kickin’ assassin in this amazingly fun Tarantino revenge flick!

11:30 p.m. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

New episodes are back, and this week’s host is Juno’s adorable Ellen Page.

SUNDAY, MARCH 2

9:30 p.m. FOX UNHITCHED

Debut! Poor Rashida Jones (Karen from The Office) stars in this bonehead sitcom from the bonehead Farrelly brothers.

10 p.m. AMC BREAKING BAD

Walter discovers that chemotherapy is putting a real crimp in his meth production business.

MONDAY, MARCH 3

8 p.m. ABC THE ROYAL FAMILY

Host Barbara Walters answers pressing questions about the royal family, such as, “Why doesn’t Hawwy wea-uh a cwown?”

9 p.m. FOX TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES

Season finale! The terminators from the future close in on John. Will their presence ruin his prom?

TUESDAY, MARCH 4

9 p.m. FOX NEW AMSTERDAM

Debut! A homicide cop is also an immortal who will never age a day until he finds his one true love. It’s like a wussy Highlander!

11 p.m. BRAVO THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC

Debut! Looks like it’s not only the women of Orange County who are desperate (and addicted to Botox).

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5

10 p.m. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY

The final three show their designs at Bryant Park; a winner is chosen and then slips quietly into obscurity.

10:30 p.m. COM RENO 911!

Season finale! The deputies end another season in a humiliating (and possibly deadly) fashion.

steve@portlandmercury.com

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