I HEART TELEVISION 


I really hate those a-hole annual year-end lists … wait. No, I LOVE THEM! (Especially when I’m the a-hole writing it.) See, I can’t figure out how I feel about 2007: Did I love it? Or hate it? As it turns out, in a year that saw the series finales of some of my faves (The O.C., Veronica Mars), and one of the most tepid fall seasons ever (Bionic Woman, Gossip Girl, Pushing Daisies), 2007 could’ve been a complete disaster – but then came the writers’ strike! YAY!!! It was like when God figured out humankind sucked hippo bone and decided to flood the goddamn place. (And while God hasn’t drowned the writers, he has figured out a clever way for these hacks to starve themselves to death.)

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TUBE

THURSDAY, Dec. 27

8:30 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK

Jack’s gay nemesis returns – and this time he wants to marry the boss’ daughter! (Huh?)

10 p.m. AMC MAD MEN

Writers’ strike getting you down? Check in with the best show of 2007, Mad Men!

FRIDAY, Dec. 28

8 p.m. FAM THE KARATE KID

(Movie, 1984) An insecure teen takes karate lessons and learns there’s only one way to win: “Sweep the leg, Johnny!”

SATURDAY, Dec. 29

8 p.m. CBS GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

(Movie, 2005) David Strathairn is great in this flick about newsman Edward R. Murrow taking on Sen. McCarthy.

8 p.m. ABC SAMANTHA WHO?

Catch up with a four-episode mini-marathon of this generally funny sitcom (or go out and get drunk, which is what I plan on doing).

SUNDAY, Dec. 30

8 p.m. ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC

(Movie, 1965) An Austrian nanny outwits the Nazis by singing. Jeez! No wonder they lost the war.

10:30 p.m. E! SNOOP DOGG’S

FATHER HOOD

Snoop is ordered to explain the “birds and the bees” to the kids, which will surely include the “Tanqueray” and the “ho’s.”

MONDAY, Dec. 31

8 p.m. AMC PLANET OF THE APES

(Movie, 1968) Ring in the new year with a bunch of damn dirty apes. (I’m telling you, this talking ape thing is going to happen this year!)

10 p.m. ABC DICK CLARK’S NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE

I am sorry, but there is NO WAY Dick Clark is still alive! He’s a zombie, I’m telling you!!

TUESDAY, Jan. 1

8 a.m. VH1 AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL MARATHON

Eighteen episodes of this hilarious show! Resolve to get FIERCE in 2008!

2 p.m. ABC ROSE BOWL GAME

Oh god, am I hungover… can you closeted meatheads play your stupid game a little more quietly?!

WEDNESDAY, Jan. 2

8 p.m. CW CROWNED

I don’t care what anybody says, this is the
most hilarious show currently on television!
(I recognize the competition isn’t stiff.)

9 p.m. ABC SUPERNANNY

Season premiere! “Supernanny” Jo returns to regain control over two rotten kids. Hey, there’s always the orphanage!

ANYHOO! As mentioned earlier, I have “conflicting emotions” about the shows and inhabitants of 2007 – were they “the best”? Or were they a sagging diaper soaked with intestinal gravy? Let’s take a look!

24 (Fox) – While the previous season of 24 was an ass-kicking delight, in 2007 Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) became a boo-hooing titty baby. ON THE OTHER HAND! Since Kiefer Sutherland is currently in prison (on a DUI charge), that definitely helps alleviate my suffering. (All celebrities should go to jail if their series stink. Hannah Montana? YOU’RE NEXT!)

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – OMG, I used to love this show … until it began taking up half of ABC’s weekly schedule! I mean, how many times can you watch gorgeous half-naked people dance the samba? (OK … bad example.) Last spring, however, this show was saved by the inclusion of amputee Heather Mills, who lured in viewers like me who were BEGGING for her wooden leg to fly off into the crowd and smack the visiting prime minister of Zimbabwe. It didn’t … proving there is no God.

Private Practice (ABC) – This spin-off from the incredibly grating Grey’s Anatomy would’ve been a complete cluster poop – except for one thing: It starred a talking horse! I’m not sure where they found a talking horse (maybe it was CG?), but when it started kissing co-star Tim Daly, that’s when it became the greatest show I never watch! NEIGHHHHHH!

30 Rock (NBC) – Speaking of barnyard animals, remember when 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin was busted for calling his 11-year-old daughter “a thoughtless little pig”? Now that gave me conflicted emotions! I mean, 30 Rock is one of the best comedies, and yet, for a father to tell his kid she’s a “thoughtless pig”… wait. Ohhhh, she’s an actual pig? That’s different, then. My illegitimate son is an actual donkey, and he’s a real ass, too.

• Sanjaya! (American Idol, Fox) – Sanjaya has my vote for the 2007 “TV Character of the Year” … and yet? I HATE HIM! I despised Sanjaya’s reedy voice, as well as his bizarre strategy of weekly hairstyle changes, just so he could stay on the show. But you know what? IT WORKED. So hats off to anyone who can subvert the American Idol juggernaut so effectively – especially when it involves giving Simon Cowell a brain hernia. Sanjaya, when it comes to the worst? You’re the best!

I hate me … no … I love me!

steve@portlandmercury.com

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