I can see eerily now 


So, I'm a "Survivor" geek. No matter how tired the concept gets, I'll watch it. It never gets old to hear contestants who have seen prior players suffer dehydration, nervous breakdowns and third-degree burns say, "I never thought it would be this hard!" Maybe when the footage of one contestant's hair falling out from malnutrition was shown, these future players were in the kitchen getting a Dove bar. At any rate, I'm glad Ethan won because it proves that if you're gorgeous and quiet, things will go your way -- giving those of us who are loud and funny-looking a reason never to try too hard.

"Survivor" is one of those fun things like pageants, elections and awards shows that makes a psychic out of everybody: You look at a person for 10 seconds and instantly can declare what will happen to them. But that doesn't mean you'll be right. Reality News Online, which focuses on everything related to reality-television, notes that the "Chicago Tribune" and "TV Guide "used four psychics each to predict the results of "Survivor: The Australian Outback" and Survivor: Africa. All failed to hit anything close to the money.

Pretzel logic

Their lack of success demonstrates that there's a market for "Bad Psychics." We're as clueless as everyone else, but since we haven't read any Jeane Dixon-esque predictions in the tabloids this year, we've decided it's still close enough to New Year's to do it ourselves. As Bad Psychics, we'll work tirelessly, reading coffee grounds, cat boxes and the TV schedule to answer the burning questions -- the burning, itching questions; the red, swollen questions you should probably see a doctor about -- that have been on your minds for the upcoming year. We predict you'll believe everything you read starting ... nnnnnnow.

Dick Cheney will replace George W. after it is revealed that a lack of oxygen from choking on that pretzel caused the president to have some slight brain damage. "Yeah, it was the pretzel," a White House physician will say and roll his eyes. The matter will never be mentioned again.

The most important question remaining on Earth finally will be answered when Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz get married. To everyone's surprise there is indeed still a name change, as Tom changes his name to Penelope.

Tom will get drunk at the wedding and admit he dumped Nicole because he didn't want to be associated with "Moulin Rouge," which is re-vealed to have been a Scientologist-funded plot -- a movie so bad that the confusion it causes creates a widespread need for spiritual counsel in the weak-minded. A sequel will be made that, even in its planning stages, causes the deaths of six cats and a script assistant. Ironically, the movie will spawn a cult, a religious movement, based on the miracle that this elephantine heap got made.

Pope JP2 dies. His final words are, "It's all a crock, really. But look at this nice house I got." He leaves all his leopard-print catsuits to charity. (What did you think he wore under those robes, a coat and tie?)

Martha's vineyards

Martha Stewart, unable to find neighbors she likes, will buy the entire state of Maine and secede. She will invite only the people she finds satisfactory to live there and they will become an über-race of people who do everything to absolute perfection. The race will die out after a single generation, however, because having children is messy.

Kid Rock becomes the first musician ever to win an Olympic gold medal when "Quarters" is established as an official sport of the Winter Games.

There will be some weird weather. People will say it signals the end of the world.

The controversy over cloning humans will continue to heat up until scientists shock the world by announcing they already have accomplished it, pointing to the current wave of boybands and girl groups as the result of experiments done some 20 years ago. "You were all busy watching "Dynasty,"" the scientists will say. "So we just did it." The world shuts up for once and goes home to think things over.

Dr. Phil continues to make people cry on "Oprah," so much so that people will start weeping as soon as he walks out on the stage. The best-selling author will add to his tough-love image with the books "I'll Kick Your Ass," "Smart Guy" and "I'm Glad You're Not My Kid." His prominence will continue until one day he turns on Oprah and starts to tell her about herself. She will stare at him for a full 30 seconds and then go to a commercial break, after which he will never be heard from again. His mustache will be found on Mars in three years.

Questions about world events, spiritual matters or your musty old personal life? Send an e-mail over to ü Our team of idiots will be happy to put on some shoe mirrors and look up the skirt of your future.


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