HAPPYTOWN 


Nude Nite is so main-stream these days; it seems you can't swing a squished armadillo without hitting someone on their way to a gallery opening dedicated to art depicting nekkid people. Ho-hum.

Which is why we were so excited to hear about Lewd Nite, a new artistic endeavor that deserves attention on the basis of name alone. It may prove to suck mightily, but you cannot deny that its organizers know a thing or two about marketing; that is, without question, the coolest event name we've come across.

So what's in a name? A political statement about censorship, for one thing, says co-organizer Tracy Sanders. "There is so much censorship going on, there is so much we can't display in so many places, it's ridiculous."

Orlando has fewer places for all visual art displays than it used to, Sanders says, and potentially controversial shows have no home at all.

What else is in a name? A chance to see what 41 twisted individuals — most from the local art scene — have in their closets, Sanders adds. Look for paintings, sculpture, performance pieces and two-dimensional works that will offend you "spiritually, emotionally, racially, sexually and politically," sayeth the Lewd Nite press release.

Go and be offended; it's good for you. Lewd Nite opens 9 p.m. Saturday at AKA Lounge, 68 East Pine St.

 

Those of us peeking out our blinds Saturday morning, ostensibly to see what time the neighbors got home from a night of swinging debauchery, were sci-fi surprised by what was unloaded before us.

The City of Orlando, with the assistance of a flatbed trailer, delivered what looked suspiciously like body-snatching pods to the front of many downtown domiciles. Sleek, black and shiny, and bearing the awkward slogan "Take it to the curb Orlando!" printed on their sides, the giant receptacles also featured frightful directions printed on bright orange paper. Starting off pleasantly enough with, "The City of Orlando is pleased to announce the implementation of our new cart-based automated garbage collection system in your neighborhood," the message soon turned technologically cryptic, with lines like "This new automated truck can only collect garbage in carts because the entry hopper is on the top of the body, which makes manual loading impractical and unsafe." Yikes!

Worse still, a $25 "extra dump fee" will be assessed if you leave your cart out an extra day. And "`r`esidents are responsible for keeping the cart clean and sanitary." Like we don't have enough to do already, now we have to clean and sanitize our garbage bins? Would you like us to knit cozies for them while we're at it?

The "carts" are taller than a raccoon's leap, and more of an eyesore than a carton of last week's eggs blowing across the street.

 

Usually we leave the TV criticism to our man Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, who pens the fab column I Love Television (page 28), not to mention the fact that he pioneered the use of the trademark symbol — ™ — so integral to the phenomenal success of this weekly compendium.

However, Humpy (as his friends call him) neglected to mention in his May 4 column that avian flu has struck America! Rather, ABC's Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America will have struck by the time you get your sweaty hands on this column, and though we didn't see it prior to press time, it sounds dangerously bad. Here's a snippet of a May 8 review from the Boston Herald: "What a piece of turd. ABC's Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America exists for one reason: to scare you into messing your shorts."

No ambiguity in that review, eh?

Bad acting or no, our local chapter of the American Red Cross is apparently expecting more than a few pairs of fouled undies in the wake of Bird Flu; in fact, they're prepping for a full-on War of the Worlds scenario. A press release forwarded to us by a Happytown™ operative has the Red Cross pleading for extra volunteers to answer the phones March 10, the day after the show aired.

We tried to contact the Red Cross to find out just how afraid we should be, but they didn't call back. And now we're really frightened.

SEMI-REGULAR FEATURE:

Dear Buddy: Real Emails from the Mayor's Inbox!

Certainly any communication with you is too little too late at this point. The damage is already done. Historic Tinker Field, the grand dame of Orlando's parks, was subjected to some of the most dastardly, vile and irresponsible acts imaginable. Oh, I am not speaking of the drunken droves that ripped seats from their foundations, broke glass, destroyed property or the body painted jezebels that pranced around the complex half dressed. No I am not even referring to the dope smoking limo riders that had the audacity to drive their limo directly out onto the grass fields of "play." No Mayor, the real villain is the person who YOU authorized in one way or another to sign off on this event and others like it!

It would be no surprise that you are not the least bit concerned about the misfortune of the young men of Lake Highland Baseball. There is not a voter or fundraiser among them. The young men of Lake Highland worked, against some fairly tough odds, to win their 2006 Class 3A District 8 Championship. Other than the honor and satisfaction of the District Championship the team also earns the right to start the Regional Playoffs at home, at Tinker Field. Hopefully you are enough of a sports fan to understand the value and importance of a home playoff game. Sadly, our young men will not have that opportunity. No, the day before we are scheduled to play our coaching staff, instead of working on game strategy, were scrambling to find a field to play on because of the trail of destruction at Tinker Field.

If this was the first time this sort of thing happened it might only be appalling. But no! Just last year the Lake Highland Baseball team missed out on yet another opportunity to host a playoff series. Again the team was victimized by your charge's irresponsible management and lack of oversight.

Mayor, a simple yet direct question: What do you plan to do about the mismanagement of Orlando's most historic baseball facility?

John W. Kilpatrick

feedback@orlandoweekly.com

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