HAPPYTOWN 


;Having only recently downed enough Wild Turkey to blur the vitriol spike Men's Health magazine kicked out of our asses when they declared Orlando America's angriest motherfuckin' city last month, we really shouldn't have been surprised by the latest: Orlando is both angry and dumb.

;; A survey recently released by the good folks at CNNMoney.com pulled out its intelligence tape measure. And guess what? We didn't even rank in the top 25. Dumbed down by such lofty stations as Honolulu and St. Paul, our combined synaptic presence couldn't even surpass that of New Orleans, drunk and waterlogged though it is.

;;We should add, of course, that in addition to these numbers meaning nothing, they actually indicate a per capita ratio of the population that has received higher education. And seeing as we rely way more on our street smarts than book-learnin' here in Happytown™, we extend a hearty middle finger to CNN and all the rest of y'all, bitches. Cut us off in traffic and you die.

;;

;At least Tom Feeney loves us. So much, in fact, that he's about to turn an article we ran on him into campaign literature, which enables Orlando Weekly to fulfill its mission of keeping far-right Republicans in power. Our plan for world domination is almost complete! Bwah-hah-hah!

;; See, we published a story ["Is this man crazy?", Aug. 10] in which we detailed the allegations of U.S. Representative Feeney's congressional opponent, Clint Curtis. Curtis has accused Feeney of all sorts of dastardly deeds, including rigging elections, and even raised the prospect that Feeney had someone murdered. Of course, we also noted that Curtis' story is full of holes and straight-up implausibilities.

;;Thus, when Feeney's office called and demanded a phone conversation, we were sure a libel suit was forthcoming. But we were wrong.

;;Turns out Feeney is such big fan of the paper that he wants to use our article in his campaign mailings! We obliged — provided he didn't alter the piece to make it look like, well, we like him — if for no other reason than that the sight of Curtis' floating head on a billboard would amuse us to no end. Besides, it's not like there's a chance in hell that Feeney's gonna lose, so we figured we might as well suck up to the powers-that-be when offered a chance. ;

;;;; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ;
SEMI REGULAR FEATURE:
RAGE THE PROTEST!

Who: SaveTheInternet.com Coalition

; ;

When: Noon, Aug. 31, in Lake Eola Park right across Robinson Street from U.S. Senator Mel Martinez’s office.

;

Scene: Seven and a half protesters (one was holding a baby) turned out to speechify about the need to reinstate “net neutrality,” the idea that all information on the Internet should be treated equally. A sweeping telecommunications bill that did not address the concept of net neutrality recently passed in the House; a Senate version could be up for a vote as early as September. While Sen. Bill Nelson has said he supports the idea of net neutrality, Martinez has not made his position known. The protesters delivered 20,000 petition signatures from Florida residents asking Martinez to support net neutrality.

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;;

By the time this wildly;popular column hits the streets, Alan Grayson either will or will not be Ric Keller's Democratic challenger. Since we've misplaced our trusty crystal ball, and since this paper goes to press as the polls close, we can't tell you what the results of the Sept. 5 primary were. But we can tell you that, win or lose, Grayson isn't going away.

;

; ; Later this month, documentarian Robert Greenwald will release the film Iraq for Sale, which chronicles the misdeeds of defense contractors and alleged "war profiteers," including Halliburton, in President Bush's Middle East paradise. We haven't seen the film, but an account in the Washington Post paints it as a hard-nosed, no-rebuttal-allowed take on the companies receiving big government contracts to help our troops and rebuild Iraq. (As the Post also notes, Greenwald, whose previous films include Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism and Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price, financed the project by appealing to fans on the Internet.)

;

; ; And guess who's one of the featured "experts"? None other than Grayson, an Orlando resident who runs a Washington, D.C., law firm that prosecutes war profiteers.

;

; ; In April, Grayson won a $10 million jury award against a Virginia contractor who bilked the government. He says he has dozens more cases in the works, including against Halliburton, but they've been held up by an administration that doesn't want to see its Iraq adventure tarnished more than it already has been.

;

; ; If Grayson is the Democratic nominee, we expect this film to become an instant campaign tool. If not, it will probably serve to fire up the anti-war liberal base more than it already is and, once again, allow Grayson to claim the mantle of corruption-busting hero.

;

; ; According to www.iraqforsale.org, the Seminole County Democratic Party will host a screening Oct. 10 in Altamonte Springs.

; happytown@orlandoweekly.com

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