In honor of Valentine's Day — which is a made-up holiday that we'd rather ignore but can't, because we feel obliged to do something, the guilt is just that thick — we bring you the first-ever edition of Happytown™'s People We'd Like to Get With. Think of it as the Sentinel's "most powerful white guys" list, except these people are sexy. And not nearly as old, on average.
Scott Maxwell: We know that you know that we have a total crush on you. We're not sure if it's because you're so much hotter in person than that wide-jawed head shot the Sentinel insists upon printing, or if it's because you so buoyantly bob between right and wrong, gay and straight, conservative and liberal, with a rent-boy charm that screams "local celebrity guest host." We just get chills at the whole package, fantasy video games and all. Oh, Scott. Be ours.
Crystal Candy: If we were running a meth lab and Orange County sheriff's deputies sniffed it out and busted down our door with a hand-held battering ram, siccing their attack dogs on us before wrestling us to the ground, stepping on our necks and jerking our arms behind our backs, it would be worth every ounce of pain and minute of humiliation if sheriff's department spokeshottie Crystal Candy was on-scene to relate the whole sordid tale to the media. We'd just sit there handcuffed, all googly-eyed, agreeing to everything the cops said so long as sweet, sweet Candy kept talking. About us. Sigh …
Jim Philips: Though some may dismiss you as a grumbling codger with common sense and politics gremlins clogging up the fuel lines of your rebuilt Edsel, we can't help but swoon at your baritone barbs, bow ties, salt-n-pepper hair and thick-torsoed manliness. The Philips Phile remains a guilty pleasure, even with the dumb girl (not Moira — she's smart … not as smart as us, though. Dump her!) and your public shyness only makes you that much more of a catch. SWAK!
Buddy's Angels: What do you do if you're mayor of Orlando, but have a face (and body) made for radio? Hire some lovely ladies to deal with the media, and watch those questions soften! So props to Buddy Dyer for getting that one right. Between Brie Turek and Heather Allebaugh, dealing with the mayor's press office is a pleasure. If only we were talking about some other politician.
Mark Nejame: Just because we're not criminals (on record) or beautiful law clerks with Midsummer Night's Dream wedding ambitions (or Wendy Chioji), it doesn't mean that we can resist your little-man, Hal Sparks-y charm. The weight that you pull in this city alone is an aphrodisiac, as is your rags-to-riches biographical information, Mr. Self-Made Man! Oh, and you partially own Tabu, which makes us go all VIP Grey-Goose giggly. For you, we do.
Teresa Jacobs: Confession time: We've always had a thing for the studious look — you know, the "librarian yearning to be unleashed" thing. It probably all relates to the time in middle school when Ms. Jenkins caught us reading Portnoy's Complaint back there in the stacks. Oh, she was mad. Anyway, Orange County commissioner Jacobs has totally got that going on. Up there on the dais at commission meetings, surrounded by doughy old guys and attorneys in schlumpy suits, she stands out like gazelle among a herd of buffalo. And her level-headed, fiscally conservative leanings? Totally hot.
Harris Rosen: You keep a super-low profile (which is totally hot), but on the rare occasion that we do catch a clip of you on television or just a glimpse of your bankroll in some I-Drive number crunches, we have been known to swoon like a Disney Swan. A few weeks ago, when you were on Lauren Rowe's FlashPoint show talking about all of your philanthropies and about how stupid and wrong the whole arena deal is, you came off as super-aloof. But you looked a little like Ralph Lauren. You're rich, and we want you.
Lauren Rowe: Speaking of Lauren, you know that bubble-headed bleach blonde who comes on at 5, the one who can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye? That's not our Lauren, of WKMG Channel 6 fame. No way. Our Lauren's got the hair, but she's also got a brain underneath it. She's husky and brusque in person, and we surrender. We hear tell she likes to throw 'em back, too; at least, she did before hatching a fingerling recently. Give us dirty laundry.
Phil Diamond: We often mistake each and every one of your kind, squinty blinks in city council chambers to be secret flirtations with our civic sensibilities. And while you're probably not flirting with us — but probably with the whole city! — we love it anyway. You're the reasonable, soft-spoken husband material we've always thought we deserved when we woke up on Sunday mornings beneath a stinky junkie, yet again. Can you forgive us? We promise we'll change!
Kurt Spath: We understand that you lost your no-fatty lawsuit against that singles club Events and Adventures, and we also know that even when we made you famous for being the biggest douche bag in Orlando, you somehow still took it all in stride … loved it, even. We totally don't understand you, Kurt, but that only makes you irresistible; you know, like enigma-hot. Will you please be our valentine? Will you please treat us like we've always wanted to be treated? We totally deserve you! And by the way, we're super-skinny!
This week's report was compiled by people who shall remain anonymous due to Florida's strict stalking firstname.lastname@example.org
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