Adam Lowery is of the opinion that downtown sucks. Crappy music, lame people, nothing interesting going on. He's not wrong. Downtown is nothing if not mediocre. Lowery wants to change that. How? Longer drinking hours!

It's not like Lowery's the first to pitch the idea; hell, even Mayor Buddy Dyer toyed with it a few years ago before the League of Boring Ass Conservative Voters (LBACV) convinced him that nothing good happens after midnight.

So what's different this time around? Lowery, a DJ, is forming a foundation called Keep Orlando Open to collect signatures at events his company, Rendezvous Productions, runs. The campaign kicks off the weekend of July 4, because as patriotic Americans it is your duty to get snozzled. Lowery says he'll have a website up by then too. We'll keep you posted.

This is not just about making it easier for frat boys to get their marks plastered before a semi-conscious romp in the sack, Lowery says. "Being a native to Orlando I have seen this city, particularly the nightlife, reduce in freedoms dramatically," he wrote in an e-mail to Happytown™ . "I love this city, and don't want to hear anymore how it doesn't compare to Miami or how nothing here is cultural, new and fun."

His theory is that, if clubs can make money via later hours — he proposes allowing drinking until 3 a.m., and then letting booze-bags have another hour to sober up — they'll be more apt to bring in better artists. He also thinks it will reduce the number of DUIs, since drunks won't be leaving bars at 1:50 a.m. to grab a six pack at the 7-Eleven before heading home. (Buy it beforehand for the ride home. Duh.)

It's past time Orlando started treating its citizens like grown-ups, instead of adolescents in need of a curfew. Besides, wasn't Dyer the one mumbling something about a "24/7" downtown not too long ago?

God, we're getting tired of saying this. OK, one more time, with feeling: We told you so.

Last week, an internal memo from the Alticor Inc. headquarters (Amway! No, Quixtar!) leaked to AP detailed the resurrection of the Amway name. That's right, the presumed-dead "Amway," which is currently on the side of the dying O-rena, will be reappearing on the company's North American merchandise within the next 18-24 months. Of course if you read the Weekly, you knew ages ago that refurbishing the moniker of the world's biggest legal pyramid scheme was coming `"Look who's knocking," Jan. 18`.

Here's how your Happytown™ correspondents didn't spend Father's Day: with the Florida Immigrant Coalition on one of three crammed buses on the way to Washington, D.C., to lobby for immigration reform. (It was tempting, but the lack of beer on the bus killed the deal.)

By the time we talked to a few of the 155 Floridians who did make the trip, they were in North Carolina and planning some political lobbying, followed by a Union Station celebration and a June 18 mock graduation highlighting the plight of immigrant youth.

An 18-year-old Orlando resident (one of about 20 on the buses) who just graduated from Dr. Phillips High School told us he went on the "life-changing" expedition for an obvious reason — to support immigration reform, but also because he can't attend college because he has no Social Security number. Kind of limits your options in life.

File this one under "Of course they do."

On June 11, the ex-queers over at Exodus International press-released their undying love — in a totally hetero way, of course — for James Holsinger, President Bush's nominee to be the next U.S. Surgeon General. Well, kinda. Exodus said that while it wasn't condoning or opposing the nominee, it "supports `the` White House nominee's position of change in homosexuality."

Holsinger is a professor at the University of Kentucky, and according to media reports, an active member of Lexington's First United Methodist Church, and thinks that homosexuality is icky and needs to be cured … stat! According to the Lexington Herald-Leader, Holsinger "has opposed a decision to allow a practicing lesbian to be an associate pastor, and he supported a pastor who would not permit an openly gay man to join the church."

And also: "Holsinger and his wife, Barbara, were members of Lexington's First United Methodist Church, which asked them to set out and start a new congregation. They founded Hope Springs Community Church. … It serves the homeless and those with addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex; and it has a Spanish-language Hispanic congregation with its own pastor. … Hope Springs also ministers to people who no longer wish to be gay or lesbian."

According to the Human Rights Campaign, Holsinger also authored a 1991 report, "Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality," in which he declared that gay sex leads to "lacerations, perforations and deaths," and that homosexuality was naturally wrong because our plumbing terminology says so.

"In fact, the logical complementarity of the human sexes has been so recognized in our culture that it has entered our vocabulary in the form of naming various pipe fittings either the male fitting or the female fitting depending upon which one interlocks within the other. When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur as noted above."


So Holsinger's appointment is a reflection of Bush's full-throated — heh heh — support for curing the gay. And Exodus loves curing the gay. It's a (hetero-only) match made in heaven.

Don't know what you're doing June 22, but we'll be down at Cypress Cove Resort in Kissimmee for Young Nudist Day. It's a fleshy gathering for the American Association for Nude Recreation's Youth Ambassadors and Nude U programs in an attempt to nurture young, naked leaders or something. Whatever. They had us at "young" and "nude." (And by "young" they mean 18 to 35, you pervs.)

Check out the lineup of events: a pool party, happy hour, hermit crab races (?), a "redneck karaoke" party. Oh, did we forget to mention the "nudecasters" who will be on hand from ClothesFree TV?

Why can't every day be like that?


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