HAPPYTOWN 


A lot of counties turn their backs on their plumpest residents. Not Seminole County.

These folks have gone the extra mile to make sure that their “bariatric” (medical term for “f’ing huge”) citizens are well taken care of. If you are so obese you can’t get out of your house even if it’s on fire, you can sign up with Seminole County Emergency Management so they know to get all hands on deck should you need an extraction. Just call 407-665-5038 and they’ll hook you up. And if that doesn’t shame you into a life of exercise and low-fat food, we dare say nothing will. So read on.

When you do have your cardiac arrest, you’ll be comforted by the fact that Seminole County has been kind enough to purchase a special stretcher to accommodate your Jabba-like corpse. No more scooping up lardies in a rented bulldozer in Seminole – no, sir. This new stretcher can handle up to 450 pounds, so the people sent to retrieve you don’t suffer hernias themselves. Seminole will also be hauling you in a recently retrofitted rescue unit based out of Seminole County Fire Station No. 22 in Fern Park. While we didn’t get the exact specs on the new vehicle, it likely includes dual-axle rear suspension and some kind of hydraulic arm to hoist your blubbery thighs onboard. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

In what has to be the best protest ever devised anywhere on earth for any cause, a group of activists in Thailand is pressuring the Burmese military to relent on its crackdown of Buddhist monks by deluging its leaders with women’s panties. It seems that a few of the generals in the repressive regime are superstitious and believe that contact with women’s underwear will rob them of their power. (And we thought the opposite was true.)

SEMI-REGULAR FEATURE: SPORTS CORNER!

Barry Bonds was indicted for something or other recently.

And in other sports news, the Orlando Weekly bowling team finished its second season in the Rock Star Bowling League in sixth place, an astonishing comeback considering just how far the team’s fortunes had fallen of late.

The final round saw your favorite team, us, pummel the Bar-BQ-Bar rollers in what observers noted was sweet revenge for the final game of last season. That match saw OW fall apart in the third game, costing them a first-place finish. This time around, however, the OW team staved off Bar-BQ in a stunning show of athleticism that hints of greatness to come.

“We’re going subterranean for a bit to do some woodshedding,” OW team chaplain Jeff Billman said. “Stumpf really needs to bring his game to the next level. If we can get all cylinders firing, I don’t think there’s a team out there that can stop us.”

Team Beacon went home with the first-place trophy, followed by Team Tasticles in second and Team Burtons in third.

Credit this inspired bit of political theater to Lanna Action for Burma (www.lannaactionforburma.blogspot.com). They’re calling it the “Panty Power” campaign, and note that the action is taking place “deep in the golden triangle,” which is so perfect as to be beyond comment. We are humbled.

The Lanna website encourages outraged undie-owners to “post, deliver or fling your panties at the closest Burmese Embassy any day from today. Send early, send often!” They’ve even got little pictures of the offending Burmese generals you can affix to your skivvies before hurling them. Multimedia!

The closest Burmese embassy is in Washington, D.C. One group of local panty activists has already mailed off a shipment of unmentionables to D.C. If they organize another shipment, we’ll keep you posted.

Best way to hate gay people? Pretend to tolerate them!

Our favorite local organization of evangelical futility, Exodus International, is branching out into the OMG-isms of the teen vernacular with what they call Exodus Youth, and as much as we want to rewrite that term into Debbie Gibson’s seminal hit “Electric Youth” (OK, actually we already have … three times!), they’re not even kidding.

Seems the Exodus folks are a smidge afraid that the evangelical hard line on the gays is actually turning kids off. Apparently, the big shift is already on: According to a poll by the Barna Group cited by Exodus, 91 percent of young non-Christians and 80 percent of young Christians think the church hates gays.

Enter Exodus Youth. It’s all in the name of establishing biblical clarity on the issue, which likely means finding out that yes, God hates the gays, and no, you don’t have to stay gay so get in the short bus and come to the DC Talk concert with us, bro!

For like three seconds we actually thought this year’s mayoral contest might be fun to watch. The outcome is a foregone conclusion, but with two dudes who think Buddy Dyer is a poopy mayor and the head of the local (Ron) Paultards in the mix, there should be some fireworks on the way to Buddy’s coronation. Right?

Guess not. Ken Mulvaney, the once-and-again candidate and former bar owner with a thick Irish brogue and an abiding grudge towards all things Buddy Dyer, is still in. Which means another couple of months of generic answers and angry accusations -– in 2004, Mulvaney sued the city after he lost, which led to Dyer’s arrest and temporary suspension from office – but not quite a fountain of oratory or new ideas.

Mulvaney’s limited government cred won the support of Nick Egoroff, the head Paultard who dismantled his campaign before it began and endorsed Mulvaney. Not that Egoroff was going to change city politics forever or anything, but he might have made it fun.

Then there was Tim Adams, the guy who got us marginally interested. He ran for mayor twice in the 1980s, lost to Dyer in the state senate primary back in 1992, and talked like he was sick of Dyer’s good-ol’-boy club and willingness to throw tax dollars at rich developers and pyramid-scheme magnates (hear, hear).

But the city would not let him qualify because, it said, he couldn’t prove he lived in Orlando. Adams, who is black, accused the mayor of racism and then said Buddy was scared of him. The city says neither of those is true, and for once we actually believe them. Adams says he’ll sue, because this city can’t hold an election without a lawsuit. Wake us when it’s over.

This week’s report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Billy Manes, Deanna Sheffield and Bob Whitby.

happytown@orlandoweekly.com

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