HAPPYTOWN 


We were all set to run with our breathtaking exclusive from fallen O-Rock 105.9 personality Savannah this week – because we’ve actually watched her go to the bathroom before – but it turns out our man-crush, Sentinel guy Scott Maxwell, was already all over it, like he was us last night.

In case you missed it, at 9 a.m. Jan. 4 all of the O-Rock personalities were given their walking papers with a polite, “It’s not you, it’s us.” The station brass followed the meeting with a weekend-long blast of geezer rock and have yet to announce their future intentions. Probably something awful. So we called up the only Orlando radio celebrity that ever mattered to get her take on things:

Happytown™: So what happened?

Savannah: Well, ratings-wise, they never kinda got good. If you go by numbers, and I’ve never looked at numbers before, I guess they weren’t good. I don’t even know how the numbers are done, but they were lies.

Happytown™: Isn’t it based on ancient Arbitron ratings sourced from home phone numbers?

Savannah: It’s that whole thing. And who has a home phone nowadays? Nobody, unless you’re a loser. Movers and shakers don’t have home phones. I don’t have one.

Happytown™: So what now? More radio?

Savannah: I really, really like classic rock, and I’d like to be in the position to support Southern rock, if that’s possible. I want to be somewhere where they play Molly Hatchet or “Freebird.” And Jacksonville’s a good place for that.

Happytown™: How do you see your life now?

Savannah: I see my life flash before my eyes and I know that I am dead … and bored.

Happytown™: Any fond memories of your three strikes in Orlando: the Monsters, Shannon Burke, O-Rock’s morning show?

Savannah: I can tell you that I’ve been listening to Monsters CDs to make my demo, so in putting that together I had to listen to a lot of that and it made me laugh out loud a lot. Howard Stern was fired from over 50 different radio stations, so if I keep it up at this rate I’m gonna be a superstar soon.

Happytown™: OK, more importantly, what are we going to do about Britney now?

Savannah: This last stunt she pulled was a little much for me. I always support her; I even support her when she has sex with the paparazzi. Maybe if they Baker Act her like they did me, and the man that stacks the Cheerios in the South Seminole kitchen screams at her like he screamed at me, that’ll make her wise up. ’Cuz all I wanted was some Corn Flakes.

Happytown™: How are you surviving for now, Miss Unemployment?

Savannah: My check’s comin’ in two weeks, bitch. Don’t hate.

On Jan. 4, Tim Adams’ kinda-sorta campaign for Orlando mayor ended with the stroke of a pen, as Circuit Judge John Adams (no relation, we presume) rejected his lawsuit, which claimed the city illegally excluded him from the Jan. 29 mayoral race. The city said Adams -– the candidate, not the judge – didn’t meet its residency requirements. Adams accused the city of racism and said that Buddy Dyer was scared of him.

That didn’t sway Adams the judge, so it’s just Dyer versus Ken Mulvaney, a retread of 2004. Yawn.

But Adams the candidate isn’t done yet. Over the weekend, he sent us a 19-page e-mail regarding the federal lawsuit he’s filing against the city, wherein he alleges that by not allowing him on the ballot the city violated the Voting Rights Act of 1965. We direct your attention to claim No. 34, one of the longest run-on sentences we’ve ever seen:

“Tim Adams has been racially discriminated against by Alana Brenner the city clerk and employee of John H. Buddy Dyer and directed and controlled expressly by Buddy Dyer, who has caused the racially motivated actions that are complained of in this complaint to be carried out for racially motivated reasons in order to suppress and control the African American vote of the city of Orlando and deny Tim Adams the opportunity to become a qualified candidate by Buddy Dyer and Alana Brenner using racially motivated illegal tactics and strategies that are and were unlawful and unconstitutional deprivations of equal protection and due process rights of Tim Adams plaintiff in this case.”

He alleges that the city treated him differently than it did District 2 city commission candidate Tony Ortiz, whom Adams says didn’t live in the city but made the ballot anyway. The difference, he believes, is that Dyer didn’t want him on the ballot. Or that Dyer’s racist. Or both. Take your pick.

From the WTF desk comes this item: The Jan. 29 Save Our Homes referendum suggests new class wars and the transformation of our society into … Dr. Seuss characters.

Sean Snaith, a University of Central Florida economist, says the property tax referendum will mean gaping inequalities among homeowners similar to Dr. Seuss’ star-bellied Sneetches, those bright yellow critters with stars on their bellies who snub their starless counterparts. First-time buyers and relocaters (starless Sneetches) won’t get the same cost-saving perk as people who already own homes (star-bearing Sneetches), he says.

“Not only do newer residents not get invited to frankfurter roasts, or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts, they have to pay higher taxes than their neighbor, forever,” Snaith says.

And you thought economics was hard.

From the impeach George W. Bush desk comes this update: The flaming liberals at the ACLU of Florida voted Jan. 5 in favor of a resolution supporting impeachment hearings for Shrubbie and the Dark Lord. That and $1.50 will buy you a cup of bad coffee, but at least someone is speaking up about the high crimes committed by this administration.

George Crossley, president of the ACLU Central Chapter, says it was his group’s prodding that got the issue moving in Florida ACLU circles. “We’re pleased with that. `The state organization` went out of their way to point out that it was our chapter that got this rolling.”

Tremble in fear, evil Bush.

This week’s report by Jeffrey C. Billman, Billy Manes, Deanna Sheffield and Bob Whitby.

happytown@orlandoweekly.com

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