It’s political propaganda time again (yay!) and seeing as this always brings out the best in candidates, we can only applaud the glory that is a particularly grim flier (obtained from a spy at a Colonialtown North neighborhood meeting April 10) for Julius “Doc” Melendez.

Republican – and Iraq veteran! – Melendez is challenging krr-AZY Dem Gary Siplin for his District 19 seat in the Florida Senate, and has chosen to do so by sticking a syringe into a wincing child’s ear. What we gather from the cursive “Restoring Integrity” caption below the photo is that the only way integrity can be restored is by liquefying it and injecting it into the brain. “You don’t like my agenda?” we imagine Melendez grunting as he penetrates our skulls. “You weeeeell like my agenda!”

For the record, Melendez’s agenda beyond his painful “Confidence Restoration Plan” doesn’t seem like much. He once made a film called Gatorman, and it won an award in Oklahoma. Therefore, he wants to be your champion for all things “film” in Florida. And he wants you to save yourselves, poor people. If you don’t, he’s gonna get the needle out again.

But we wonder: Wouldn’t it be easier just to put “Not Gary Siplin” on your fliers?

With the term “green” now being relegated to a big corporate sales pitch, this year’s Central Florida Earth Day celebration could be forgiven for feeling a little past its sell-by date. But it’s worse than that. Due to some “permitting issues,” organizers have been forced to relocate their April 19 organic hemp drum circle from the glory of Lake Eola all the way over to the Dandelion Communitea Café and the School of Holistic Living, over on Thornton Avenue.

“There was some miscommunication on both sides with some permitting,” says David Dean of Mill Valley Management, the producers of the event. “We apparently didn’t get some things turned in in the proper order. We just found out about that on Tuesday.”

Dude. According to the city, Dean said he “wasn’t receiving” the e-mails that the permitting department were sending him to help him through the process. Anyway, the show will go on (it’s much easier to permit an event at a business) with event planners utilizing every bit of space they can find: back in corners, under bushes, up on roofs. Dean had hoped 7,000 people or so would come out and celebrate the planet, but now it looks like 3,000 is a more realistic estimate. That’s still enough to create “the largest living piece of artwork” – a biodegradable thing – and a performance from Bughead, among others. Still, sucks to be green this year.

It gets worse. A source from the Florida School of Holistic Living informs us that Mill Valley Management is “no longer involved” in the project at all. AND! A vendor-coordinating company they hired walked away with all of the money paid by vendors. The event will still happen, but now can only hope to break even. Somewhere a tree just died.

It felt like some sad Old Florida hell April 11 at an open “village character” meeting hosted by the city of Winter Park. In attendance were all the usual suspects: uppity 50-something women with bouffants and old men who seem never to have left the Winter Park city limits. Residents packed City Hall to get their chance to insist that the city must preserve its village-like character by installing consistent signage, design and landscaping, preserving green space, opposing tall buildings and maintaining a low-density community, particularly near Rollins College and along the State Road 17-92 corridor. Input will be used to help define the city’s character in future planning.

“We are the gold standard. We do not need to be form-fit,” says one resident. Indeed.


So you’re looking for a “good time,” but you’re the careful sort who likes to do the research before spending your cash. We have the website for you: www.theeroticreview.com. There you will find “adult entertainment hobbyists” (their term) posting reviews of their conquests so you can pick the tart that’s right for you. (Who wants to find out after it’s too late that your hot 20-something “date” is really a toothless grandma?)

Almost 300 Central Florida escorts are among the rated pros, which surprised us as we were under the impression that the Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation had all but eradicated sin from the City Beautiful. Anyway, the site gives out all the basics you’ll need to make an informed purchase: shaved or not, breast implants or not, hair color, piercings, whether or not you can bring a buddy and so on. Service providers are also ranked based on appearance, ranging from one for “I was really scared” to 10 for “one in a lifetime.” Performance is also graded, one being “a total rip off” while 10 is “one in a lifetime.” If you’re a paying member of the site, you get all the lurid details of the encounters.

We aren’t paying members, but we found a couple of samples for your enjoyment: “Her tongue was like a white-hot flash in my mouth yet in another way it was very cool, clean and fresh, a rare but thrilling combination.” And another, from the opposite perspective: “She arrived on time, but when I opened the door I got a surprise. She had lost her two front teeth so this made her scarier then her pictures which I didn’t think at first were all that bad but ... oh yeah, will not repeat.”

Happy dating.

This week’s report by Billy Manes and Deanna Morey.


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