HAPPYTOWN 


Though we have officially declared a moratorium on writing about the scolds at the locally based Liberty Counsel — it's not news when you're morally outraged about everything — we're going to have to go against policy just this once, because Mat Staver and crew have turned us on to the best website ever! And we think you need to know about it, especially if you are getting blow Js or whatever.

The site, brought to you by Portland, Ore.'s Planned Parenthood of Columbia-Willamette, is called Take Care Down There (www.takecaredownthere.org), and it's all about sex ed. It's direct, forthright and pretty damn funny. Plus it gives kids valuable info, like how to use a condom and the fact that oral sex can transmit disease.

All of which has got fingers wagging down at the Liberty Counsel. "For example," their press release hisses, "one video on this new web site depicts what appears to be an African-American male teenager relegated to performing oral sex on a white male teenager while another white male (an adult authority figure in a suit) stands nearby giving instructions. It is too shameful for a press release to print what one of the teenagers says on the Planned Parenthood video." (Not too shameful for Happytown™, however: "I didn't spew," says the kid.)

The stated motive of Liberty Counsel's press release is to get government funding cut for Planned Parenthood because the feds shouldn't give money to organizations that provide abortion services, they say. But it's telling that Liberty Counsel chose to mention the fact that a black kid is depicted "relegated to performing oral sex" with a white kid. What they don't mention is that the same black kid is in several of the videos, and he's not always on the receiving end or having fake sex at all. When your audience is fundamentalist and white, nothing presses buttons quite like interracial homosexuality.

Or maybe they just didn't like the lyrics to the "Down There" song: "Beaver, bunny, front-butt, bushy catcher's mitt/Easy bakin' oven, hootchie, hot pocket/Hoo-ha, na-na, furry pink canoe/Pick a name down there and I'll sing with you!"

When head local Ron Paul revolutionary Nick Egoroff assured us last year that his group of post-Libertarians would not give up their movement to take over the Republican Party, we played along. But then Egoroff took Paul's primary loss in stride and went all "act locally" on the Orange County Republican Executive Committee, forcing chairman Lew Oliver into a tantrum.

Anyway, the latest from Egoroff is that, despite the protestations of Oliver, he easily landed the office of precinct committeeman for Precinct 319 at the Aug. 26 Republican primary.

Oliver apparently — and we say "apparently" because Egoroff provided a photo — decided to stand outside the precinct holding a bright-orange handmade poster reading, "Vote No to Egoroff!!!" Even better, the sign featured two tiny skull-and-crossbones characters — implying that a pirate was here to eat your party.

On Aug. 28, the Associated Press reported that Nevada's Ron Paul Revolution — and the way the state party ignored them by appointing rather than electing their delegates — was stirring up trouble with regards to being seated at this week's Republican convention. Also, a reported 10,000 Paulistas were set to descend on Minneapolis Aug. 31-Sept. 2 for a pre-emptive strike against the McCain establishment. We love the Paultards again.

From the updates desk: Remember when we told you how the city had rescinded, then un-rescinded, its policy preventing social service organizations from locating in Parramore `"Never mind," April 17`? Quick recap: In March, two social service groups — Mark's Ark and Concerned Citizens to Combat Cancer — complained to the Florida Commission on Human Relations that Orlando's policy violated Florida's Fair Housing Act, because both of those groups treat disabled people, against whom housing discrimination is forbidden. However, since neither group had applied for a permit to locate in Parramore, neither had been rejected, and thus, the complaint had no legal standing.

At the time, city attorney Mayanne Downs decided that the city wouldn't enforce this decade-old policy, which has prevented groups like the Coalition for the Homeless from expanding. Later, the city backtracked and said it would look at each application on a case-by-base basis.

On Aug. 4, the FCHR determined that "there is reasonable cause to believe that a discriminatory housing practice has occurred" in the case of the cancer group (which, the city says, has still not sought a permit). In its Aug. 12 response, the city said that it "will not enforce provisions" of the city code that violated the Fair Housing Act, including the Parramore policy. Oddly, the city produced a letter that it sent to Jocelyn Jones on April 15 telling her that the provision wouldn't be used to deny her a permit, which would seem to have rendered this complaint moot.

But is the larger issue — the Parramore policy itself — now dead in the water? "It's unclear," says city spokeswoman Heather Allebaugh. "It may apply in some circumstances but not others." What's more, Allebaugh says this decision shouldn't be seen as a policy reversal, but rather a legal necessity. The question of how far-reaching the decision is, however, is still up in the air.

When we last touched base with local band Biteboy, the fellas and their dad-ager had just saddled up with felon Lou Pearlman, whom they believed was going to make them huge, even though Big Lou is broke, behind bars and a punch line `see "Lou talks!," June 12`.

And now, our favorite "gurgling pool of awful" (our words, not theirs) is again seeking publicity, and there are no depths to which they won't sink in pursuit of it. This week, we find Biteboy trying to piggyback on the Casey Anthony debacle — little girl missing, mother suspected, media goes insane — by setting up their gear on a flatbed trailer and playing in front of the Anthonys' home.

According to singer Rick Namey, his socially active band — whose latest MySpace blog entry is titled, "New! Biteboy's Hawt Chix Pix!" — wanted to stage a "peaceful protest" against Anthony, whom they consider "Florida's worst mom." So, "We turned up the PA system as loud as it could go," Namey told the Orlando Sentinel. "And we started playing."

While that might qualify as an "enhanced interrogation technique" down in Gitmo, we're not sure how "peaceful" it is. In fact, the cops were called!

Namey called them himself to complain about a scrape near his thumb, an injury he suffered when California bounty hunter and Anthony helper Leonard Padilla walked out of the home and knocked over Namey's microphone stand. Another bounty hunter involved in this melodrama filed a complaint against the band with the Orange County Sheriff's Office, alleging that the group left their CD on their doorstep — in a perfect world, a felony — and might disrupt a candlelight vigil.

On an unrelated note, the band has a track on their MySpace page called "Casey's Song (Wine Sick Mind)," which is just as terrible as you'd imagine.

happytown@orlandoweekly.com

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