GOD IS DUMB 


Boo-hoo-hoo! OHHHHHH, boo- hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo!! Why, God, why? Why have You cruelly taken that which was closest to my heart? You knew it was my greatest love, and yet, without (much) warning, You've stolen the only thing that made my miserable life worth living, and … huh? What do You mean, "I have no idea what you're talking about?" Jesus! What kind of a dumb God are You? I thought You're supposed to be omniscient and shit. Fine. WHATEVER. For Your big dumb information, God, last week You cruelly caused the cancellation of one of my formerly favorite TV shows (Alias), leaving me bereft of my one remaining joy – which is to say, staring at Jennifer Garner's underpants. (By the way, "bereft" means "deprived" – oh my God, You're dumb.)

That's right! Jennifer Garner's underpants! As everyone down here on earth knows, ever since 2001, Jennifer has played super-sexy super-spy Sydney Bristow on the ABC drama Alias. And every week she would dash off to the far corners of the world, kick criminals in the nutsack, and then, time permitting, sashay around in an alluring set of underpants. But APPARENTLY, God hates sexy ladies in underpants, because HE caused Alias to be canceled! (And yet Baywatch went on for years and years – maybe because God enjoys looking at David Hasselhoff in underpants? HMMMMMMM??)

OK! OK! I'll admit Alias started licking hippo-hole roughly around the end of season three. And when the network moved it to 8 p.m. Thursdays – competing with The O.C., Survivor, Smallville and Everybody Hates Chris – I stopped watching completely. But … but … UNDERPANTS! See, there was no reason to cancel the show entirely! Just move it to Monday nights and instead of all that stoopid spy stuff, just have Jennifer Garner stand there in her underpants for an hour. I'm telling you the ratings would go through the roof!!

What's that? "Nobody wants to watch a pregnant lady standing around in her underpants"? WOW. You're a real jerk, God. Who knew You were such a sexist pig? I'll have You know, I'd rather watch pregnant Jennifer Garner standing around in her underpants, than look at all those kids You kill with leukemia. Ooooh! Ka-ZING! You just got FACED, God!

And another thing! Not only did You cancel my fave underpants show, Alias, You've also given the heave-ho to another sexy-mama TV show, Threshold (CBS). That's right, hot 'n' saucy actress Carla Gugino, who was the leader of a government task force fighting aliens, will now be eating out of a garbage can thanks to YOU. Yes, one could argue that Threshold was also growing tedious – were it not for the fact that Carla Gugino has the sweetest fun-bags on network television!! What are ya, God? BLIND?!?

And You wonder why only crazy Christians believe in You. Well, let me tell YOU something, "Mr. Fancy-Pantsy Intelligent Designer." If I were You, I'd get a publicist and PRONTO – it's obvious there's a serious disconnect between You and Your demographic. For Your information, You omnipotent buttinski, humanity only wants two things: underpants and fun-bags. So mind your own beeswax, put that in your burning bush and SMOKE IT!

E-mail all God complaints to …
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, DEC. 8
8 p.m. WB SMALLVILLE
It's a Smallville "Christmas Carol" when Lex gets visited by the ghost of his nagging mom.

8 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
Ryan gets an internship with the Newport Group and Summer learns how to play the tuba (sexy!).

FRIDAY, DEC. 9
8 p.m. FOX DEAR SANTA
Actual families' holiday wishes are granted by … Clay Aiken? What are they wishing for? To be tortured to death??

SATURDAY, DEC. 10
8 p.m. NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
(Movie, 1946) The townsfolk save a ruined banker. Isn't it sad that this could never, ever happen?

9 p.m. SPIKE VIDEOGAME AWARDS
Hey nerds! Samuel L. Jackson hosts this tribute to videogames. Plus: sexy girls you will never have a chance of dating.

SUNDAY, DEC. 11
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA
Season Finale! In a surprising twist, the winner gets a million dollars and the runner-up gets fed to the crocodiles.

8 p.m. FOX THE SIMPSONS
While visiting Italy, the Simpsons blow Sideshow Bob's cover!

MONDAY, DEC. 12
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Lucille is caught making out with the prison warden (James Lipton). All together now … "Eww."

8 p.m. NBC ELTON JOHN: THE RED PIANO
Elton performs live in Vegas with the help of Justin Timberlake's throat, and Pamela Anderson's breasts.

TUESDAY, DEC. 13
9 p.m. UPN VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW
OK … and why shouldn't I just jump online and download some free porn?

10 p.m. FX NIP/TUCK
Christmas is ruined when Mrs. Claus comes in for liposuction.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 14
8 p.m. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The girls of season five reunite to scratch each other's eyes out.

10 p.m. ABC ALIAS
Sydney reunites with Vaughn (yayyyyy!) – in her mind (boooooooo!)

Speaking of I Love Television

Latest in I Love Television

More by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2016 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation