CRUNCH TIME 


"Meanwhile, others have noted changes in `Karl` Rove's appearance. Over the last year, the senior Bush aide has dramatically slimmed down, losing an estimated 50 pounds. While some have speculated that stress could be the cause, Rove told a National Journal reporter last month that he's been dieting and working out with `Chief of Staff Josh` Bolten at the White House gym."

— Newsweek.com, May 15, 2006

Hi, I'm Karl Rove! You know, men of a certain age can find it pretty hard to lose those excess pounds and inches. If that's you, you're probably feeling awfully hopeless right now, thinking there's nothing you can do to regain the shape you had when you were an energetic young push-poller of 25. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's bullhockey — as nonsensical as the idea that a country has to be run by its duly elected leader. Take me, for example. I've lost 50 pounds in the last year, and I'm feeling great! And now I'm here to share my secrets with you in what I call —

 

KARL ROVE'S UNDER-INVESTIGATION FITNESS PLAN 2006

 

First, a lot of fellas don't realize that the most important part of a weight-loss regimen is to get enough sleep. If you're catching less than eight hours a night, your body won't have the energy it needs to make it through a full day of answering subpoenas and undergoing ceremonial demotions. Some men, though, are chronic insomnia sufferers, prone to tossing and turning for hours on end as they fret over the minutest of life's details — like if their kids are huffing glue and how they're going to run a fully functioning dirty-tricks operation from inside Sing Sing. The trick is to focus on something mundane and nonthreatening. Whenever I'm having trouble nodding off, I try counting the conflicting stories I've told to federal grand juries. I envision those stories as adorable little lambs springing over a barnyard fence and into political oblivion … I mean, a grassy meadow. One … two … three … nighty-night!

Your liquid intake is just as important. Shady "health specialists" will try to convince you that you it's water you need to be consuming — at least eight glasses a day. But don't you believe it. Your body is already 75 percent H20, which is more than enough to get by on. (What's the other 25 percent? Negro! But you didn't hear it from me.) Instead, you need to drastically increase your consumption of Southern Comfort, Jim Beam and other fluids that qualify both as beverages and relaxation aids. To find your required daily dosage, divide your weight by two and convert it into pints, then multiply it by the number of years federal justices regularly impose for perjury convictions. In other words, a 180-pound man will have to gulp down 17 gallons of hooch a day to gain noticeable results, and to dispel the harbingers of professional doom that are swirling like crimson devils around him.

Of course, all that conscientious imbibing isn't going to make a difference if you aren't eating right. A lot of guys think following a proper diet means cutting out every one of their favorite delicacies, like red meat, potatoes and the souls of the underprivileged. But by depriving yourself of these essential nutrients, you're making your body think you're starving; it then tries to compensate by slowing down your metabolism and referring incoming calories directly to your attorney. What you want to do is consume only a sensible amount of those goodies, supplementing them with healthier foodstuffs you can eat all day, including crow and humble pie. Some dietitians/pundits would add "your words" to that list, but I'd be wary of it, especially if said words tend to be soaked in bile.

Now comes the part most fellas really dread: Working out. No matter how responsibly you've followed the rules I've already mentioned, you're not going to shed an ounce if you aren't on a regular program of exercise. Here are just two routines that'll work wonders if you make them part of your daily schedule:

 

1) Extend your arm at a 90-degree angle from your body and rest your palm on a flat and unyielding surface — perhaps a book you hold dear for some culturally universal reason. Now raise your other hand slowly until it's parallel with your torso. To complete the rep, exercise your mouth muscles by reciting the words to the Fifth Amendment.

 

2) Place your hands on your hips and bend as far forward as you can, slowly unclenching your glutes as your forehead reaches the floor. Hold this position for as long as possible: Fitness experts and legal scholars recommend a period of 35 years to life. To set the proper workout mood, try doing it in the shower, using a bar of Lifebuoy as a marker and your ex-con Chicano mechanic as a spotter.

 

Follow these instructions to the letter, and I guarantee they'll take you where you want to go. Or maybe they'll just keep you company where you're going. Either way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.

sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

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