Tax Advice Offered At LYNX Central Station

LYNX is partnering with the City of Orlando and Orange County Saturday (Jan. 28) for an event dubbed "Super Saturday." Free tax preparation for persons who qualify for that benefit will be offered as well as educational services., Jan. 27, 2006

Enhance your lifestyle the small-town-transit way with these services coming to LYNX Central Station in the very near future!

Labor arbitration — Just because Florida is a right-to-work state doesn't mean the little guy is powerless against the profit-driven machinations of big business. Increase your leverage in the workplace by getting some free starter advice from the crack team of legal experts who keep LYNX on the road and untainted by those hard-to-prove allegations of vehicular manslaughter. Working in shifts, our labor-relations specialists will teach you to maximize the coverage period of any workman's-comp claims you may have filed in the last year — say, after taking a nasty tumble on a bus with no shock absorbers. Fired for chronic tardiness? You'll be swiftly reinstated when you produce records we can provide showing that LYNX repeatedly stranded your ass like Gilligan in Oakland for two hours or more.

Marriage annulments — Like Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney, many of our customers find that wildly varying expectations cause their marriages to fall apart after all-too-brief periods of connubial bliss. If that's the crossroads you're approaching, you have a choice to make. You can spend the next five years shredding your tonsils with hollered variations of, "But you knew I rode the bus when we met!" Or you can head on down to LYNX Central Station, where our crack team of interfaith clergy is ready to render your union null and void. This isn't some el cheapo truck-driver divorce we're offering, but honest-to-goodness certification that your marriage never existed in the eyes of God or Transportation Secretary Denver Stutler, Jr. In just a matter of minutes, you'll be free to find love anew on the LINK 29 outbound, while your ex goes tramping after some showoff who owns a Karmann Ghia. College punk.

Automotive tuneups — On the other hand, there are some of you out there who already own your own vehicles but still ride LYNX for reasons of conscience, like environmental concern or having three DUIs. We're not jealous; we don't mind if you retain some wheels on the side. All we ask is that you keep that ride in good condition and able to obey the rules of the road, whatever in the heck they might be. Three Saturday mornings a month, bring your chariot in for a free look-see by the crack team of schooled mechanics who keep our bus fleet the proud equal of anything Mexico City has to offer. Car making a strange knocking noise? Manny, Moe and Yngwie will be happy to bang it out with a hammer. Rearview mirror out of focus by a hair? Out comes the hammer again. Illegal aliens in your trunk getting uppity and demanding regular pee-'n-oxygen stops? Hey, that's your problem, bucko. What do we look like, Mears?

Military induction — We know that the average LYNX customer is worried about his or her future, which is why our crack team of drill sergeants will be visiting LYNX Central Station six days a week to troll for new recruits, who can then immediately board the next shuttle to Fort Doom, U.S.A. And if you get deployed to Iraq, you'll already have experience riding in inadequately armored vehicles!

Elective surgery — Anyone who's been paying the slightest bit of attention knows that LYNX is a system on the move: new routes, new stops, an expanded repertoire of excuses. But there's no point in being the model of a modern transit system if our riders don't have the option of periodically reinventing themselves, too. Thanks to the loosening of certain public-health codes, visitors to LYNX Central Station will soon be able to sit for a variety of image-enhancing (and only mildly life-threatening) procedures.

Our crack team of correspondence-school students will perform laser hair removal, thereby putting an end to one of the thorniest questions in mass transportation: "Should that thing be in a pet carrier, or does it just need a lift back from Bingo night?" We'll also offer gender-reassignment surgery, and not just to provide a ready-made clientele for "Transamerica," our joint program with Greyhound that ferries the newly sex-changed to more hospitable living environments. (Yes, we said "ferry.")

And for the particularly cautious, there'll be vasectomies and tubal ligations on request. This is one you demanded: For the life of us, we can't see why a new papa wouldn't be proud to hold his baby aloft in a cloud of exhaust fumes and promise, "Someday, my son, you too will take the 29." But our research shows that there are actually people out there who would rather not bring children into the world until they can promise them a richer legacy than a Single-Day Pass. The next generation of public transportation begins here — but only when you're good and ready.

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