BEN AFFLECK'S SEED 


BLECCHHH! Oh my God … my stomach is churning. And you know the saliva that builds up in your mouth when you're overcome by nausea? Well, I've got that saliva! Ooohhhh … I just want to lay my throbbing head down on the cool, cool tile of the bathroom floor. Ahhhh … that's better. BLECCHHH! Omigod, omigod, there's gross hair and dirt down here! And what's that brownish, condom-looking thing behind the toilet?? Oh, sweet Jesus! My bathroom is like a freaking George Romero movie!!

I blame Ben Affleck for my current nauseated condition – or more succinctly, Ben Affleck's sperm. ACK! I'm gagging just thinking about it! And the reason I'm thinking about it is because Ben Affleck had the NERVE to ejaculate his seed into the vagina of one of my fave TV actresses, Jennifer Garner. Why couldn't he have impregnated J.Lo? No one gives a shit about her! Now I can't even look at Garner's bloated belly without thinking about Affleck's sperm sloshing around in there and spilling all over my already hairy bathroom floor!

No, I will NOT "calm down"! Why don't you ask Jennifer Garner to "calm down" and get the abortion the world is begging for? But nooooooooooo! Not only is she going to keep Affleck's oily offspring, she's decided to return to her role as Sydney Bristow on TV's Alias – just so the sperm inside her stomach can continue mocking me! And get this: While most shows modestly hide their pregnant lady stars behind well-placed floral arrangements and bulky overcoats, Sydney will also be knocked up – so say goodbye to those sexy negligees and hello to high-waisted granny panties!

Let's face facts, shall we? Alias has so little going for it in the first place that, if Garner's seminudity and fight scenes are sidelined, what possible reason is there for me to watch it? Well, according to ABC programming chief Stephen McPherson, "While we don't want to put `Sydney` in situations where she's endangering herself and the baby … she'll be able to run a fair amount."

OH, GREAT! Don't you mean "roll"?

Though they may be trying to disguise it, ABC execs aren't too happy about the oily bun in Garner's oven, and are scrambling to ramp up the show's sex appeal by adding a new, younger and presumably less-pregnant agent who will be mentored by Sydney. According to industry scuttlebutt, Rachel Nichols – who you will not remember from the unmemorable show The Inside – will play the role of the new, nonpregnant sexy girl. Rumor also has it that the father of Syd's baby will indeed be Agent Vaughn (actor Michael Vartan, who in real life had the opportunity of knocking up ex-girlfriend Jennifer Garner, but ultimately blew it! You idiot! Your sperm is so much nicer than Affleck's!).

Well, Mr. Affleck – I hope you're satisfied. You've officially ruined one of my favorite shows with the careless handling of your oily seed. And as for YOU, Ms. Garner, if you won't be using those vials of seed I mailed you, I would like them returned. Thank you!

Send suggestions for what Affleck can do with his seed to … steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11

9:00 FOX THE O.C.
Sandy has had enough and ships Kirsten off to the drunky farm!

10:00 FX STARVED
Don't miss this awesomely dark new sitcom about four New Yorkers with eating disorders!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Adama wakes up out of his coma to discover the fleet is on the brink of civil war. Time to hit the snooze button.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13

8:00 WB 12 MONKEYS (Movie)
(1995) Terry Gilliam's creepy sci-fi story about a time-traveling Bruce Willis winding up in a modern-day loony bin.

9:00 VH1 METALLICA: SOME KIND OF MONSTER (Documentary)
(2004) The Metallica boys bicker and cry like babies while trying to record St. Anger.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14

9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER
The Fisher family spirals out of control in this penultimate episode in the series.

9:00 E! THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR
A reality show about Playboy Bunnies who live in Hugh Hefner's mansion. Why didn't someone think of this sooner??

MONDAY, AUGUST 15

10:30 MTV MY SUPER SWEET 16
Season Premiere! Stinking rich teens get the Sweet 16 party they've always dreamed of – while all you got was tube socks.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 16

8:00 FOX 2005 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS
Hilary Duff hosts, like, the most awesomest award ceremony, like … I don't know … EVER!

9:00 NBC TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE
Debut! Mötley Crüe bad boy Tommy Lee attends the University of Nebraska and gets hot for tutor!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17

8:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Four back-to-back episodes of the very funny comedy starring The Daily Show's Steve Carell.

9:00 WB SMALLVILLE
A great repeat in which a prom-queen bitch hops into the bodies of Clark and the gang!

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