BE PREPARED! 


Don't you dare accuse me of having a weird sexual obsession with Boy Scouts – BECAUSE I DON'T! However, if there is one motto I can point to that has gotten me out of plenty of sticky situations, it's that old Scouts saying, "BE PREPARED." For example, last week I wrote of my short and successful stay in prison – successful because I was PREPARED and brought along plenty of cigarettes and Crisco (because as we know, prisoners love flaky biscuits).

You see, whenever I'm not watching TV or banging a sweet piece of booty, I'm daydreaming about incredibly stressful/dangerous situations and how to get out of them. By working out these problems in advance, I can "be prepared" when the stressful/dangerous situation arises, extricate myself from it, and return to watching TV and banging sweet pieces of that aforementioned booty.

Let's imagine I stumble upon a suitcase containing $4 million, which probably belongs to a drug cartel. Knowing my greed would overtake me, I'd steal the money and divide it into four parts, which I'd hide in four separate storage facilities (bus lockers, trunk of a car, etc.) in four different states. Then, I would take a Greyhound bus to the Florida panhandle, where I'd charter a boat, slip into Mexico and spend the next two years hiding out, sipping margaritas and banging sweet Mexican booty. PROBLEM SOLVED, and in two years, whoop-dee-woo, I'm RICH!

The reason I bring this up is because the kids from The O.C. are in a similarly stressful predicament, and since they are clearly not prepared, it's up to me to help them figure a way out. When we last saw Marissa, Ryan, Seth and Summer in The O.C.'s season finale, Ryan was about to be bludgeoned by his rapist brother, Trey, when Marissa walked in and decided the best course of action would be to blow Trey's freaking head off. Happily for me, she did – Trey was a dick – but as we will see in the upcoming season premiere of The O.C. (Fox, 8 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 8), the kids are faced with a conundrum: Do they call the cops (No way! Booo cops!) or save Marissa's hide the old-fashioned way: by disposing of the bloody, bullet-filled body?

Naturally, I would choose the latter – but only because I've already run this scenario through my head and have concocted a fool-proof plan … WHICH IS AS FOLLOWS: 1) Ryan gives Marissa a few well-placed slaps to calm her down. 2) Summer slaps her as well … preferably while topless. 3) Seth purchases a butcher's apron, a giant ice cooler, cleaning products and a very sharp machete. 4) Ryan gets Marissa juiced up on liquor. 5) The gang dumps Trey into the tub and leaves Marissa alone to chop him into tiny bits. 6) After cleaning up the blood, they load all the little Trey bits into the ice cooler and take a ride on Marissa's father's boat. 7) After Trey becomes fishy food, they steer the boat to Mexico, where the topless Summer meets a mysterious, light-skinned "Mexican" TV critic. 8) She bangs his booty. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Solving problems since 1994.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, SEPT. 1
8 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Missed it the first time? Catch this repeat of the first episode of TV's buzziest hit of the new season!

10 p.m. A&E ANATOMY OF SEPTEMBER 11
Hey, depression lovers! This documentary details the final 102 minutes of the World Trade Center.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 2
8 p.m. UPN THE REAL CANCUN
(Movie, 2003) The first (and probably last) "reality movie," which documents 16 nude-loving coeds on spring break. A hilariously bad camp classic!

SATURDAY, SEPT. 3
9 p.m. SCI-FI FRANKENFISH
(Movie, 2004) A genetically altered trout goes fishing for human ass!

9 p.m. E! KILL REALITY
While filming a horror movie, a reality cast member gets buried alive.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 4
2 p.m. A&E 24
Set those TiVos for a nine-hour marathon of the fourth (and best) season of 24!

10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE
Ari gets fired from the agency and Vince quits the Aquaman movie in this cliffhanging season finale!

MONDAY, SEPT. 5
8 p.m. FOX NANNY 911
Season Premiere! The nannies rush to the rescue when dumb-ass parents can't control their three asshole kids.

9 p.m. FOX PRISON BREAK
Regular Time Slot! Michael learns that "tossing a salad" doesn't necessarily involve tongs and vinaigrette.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 6
10 p.m. COM RENO 911!
Season Finale! Weigel's death-row boyfriend proposes to her – and then gets sent to the chair.

10:30 MTV THE '70S HOUSE
Season Finale! The kids are implanted with a microchip forcing them to continue wearing polyester and humming "I Think I Love You" for the rest of their lives.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 7
8 p.m. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
This annoyingly addictive show is down to its last 10 dancers. Shake that ass!

11 p.m. BRAVO A.S.S.S.S.C.A.T. IMPROV
The famous NYC improv troupe Upright Citizens Brigade breaks out the funny in this one-hour comedy special.

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