Attack of the dumb, rich girls 


Three-hundred-ninety-seven days, 16 hours and 53 minutes until the Olsen Twins are legal. Ashley (right-handed, sweet and very pretty) is two minutes senior to li'l sis, Mary-Kate (left-handed, likewise sweet and not as pretty). And here is where the differences for these two nubile People Magazine beautiful people seemingly end.

Or do they?

"Well, there are many differences," Ashley recently leaked to TheCelebrityCafe.com. "We each have our own 'likes' and 'dislikes' like any sisters would, but the basic difference ... probably that Mary-Kate loves to ride horses, and I love to dance more."

Mmmm, horses.

Anyway, with a reported $1 billion under their Wal-Mart jelly belts from last year alone, the charmless sweet-16s need answer to no one, meaning that the little girls who once shared a brain and a single television role on the lucrative Stamos vehicle, "Full House," may be leaving the house soon and not even having to ask permission.

I've got Playboy on the red phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are turning into the Hilton sisters.

Consider the similarities: wan looks in drapey, designer cut-out patterns, heavy makeup, absolutely nothing of value to say and millions of dollars with which to not say it.

And it gets even deeper, dear reader, and surely more disconcerting.

Mary-Kate and Ashley were television child stars. Paris and Nicky Hilton's mom, Kathy, was a regular on the always engaging redhead smash, "Family Affair." Am I reaching? Am I reaching?

Well, maybe.

But deeper psychological evaluation, which can be provided only by Cosmo Girl magazine and E! Network, presents striking evidence that what we are witnessing here is a template for dumb, rich girls who look alike. Uh huh.

Mary-Kate, it seems, believes Ashley to be high strung.

"She has to make sure everything is perfect!" she bitch-slapped in Cosmo Girl. "Like, today in class -- our friends even noticed this -- she had to talk to the teacher about a test that's coming up, and she was so businesslike! She was like, 'OK, so this is what we have to study? It will only be on page 201? It will only be 10 questions? It was really very funny."

No. No it wasn't.

"She'd probably say I don't take anything seriously or that I don't concentrate sometimes when I should."

Omigod, my hair is curling. What Ashley actually says is, "Mary-Kate kind of just leaves certain things for me to handle. But if it's something that she really cares about, then she'll speak up and give her opinion."

I bet the Bush girls say the same thing. Kind of.

Moreover, such pithy thumb-wrestling does bear alarming similarity to the dichotomous swirl of insincerity coupling the Hilton heiresses.

Paris, you see, is like Ashley (adventurous, slutty), leaving homely Nicky in a tragic Mary-Kate demure. Mary-Kate, as we all know, is sadly charisma-free.

Kathie Kelleher of that seminal news outlet, The Onion, agrees.

"Case in point," she writes. "In 1995's "The Case of the Sea World Adventure," from the direct-to-video children's mystery series "The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley" Mary-Kate delivers such lively and toothsome lines as, "The pearl necklace must be in that bucket of bait ... yecch!" with about as much élan as a TV agribusiness reporter delivering the day's livestock quotes."

Kelleher goes on to call Mary-Kate fat. I love her.

But Nicky Hilton isn't fat, just quiet. Not quiet enough, however, to be one-half of the most gossiped about celebutante phenomena since Halston was scraping Liza's nose.

They've effectively posed nude, already, although it's not called that when it's in Vanity Fair. Paris summed up their upscale angle on publicity burlesque when she spread her legs for FHM.

"Fake boobs are so stripper," she perked. "We're classy broads."

Classy broads without jobs. That is if you don't count Paris' reality stint as a left-in-the weeds redneck in "Down on the Farm," or her impending career move into the classics with Lance Bass in "The Great Gatsby."

Phew. Working is hard.

More genius followed when Paris was cornered at an A-list nonevent for her mildly entertaining "E! True Hollywood Story."

"No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy," she sloshed. "If she's sweet and funny, she's sexy."

But will the beloved Olsen sisters follow the same path into dopey platitudes when they hit their respective New York party girl stages?

Only time will tell. Or is that Mary-Kate? Yeah, she'll tell.

"If we feel strongly enough to say no to something then that's what happens," she told Cosmo Girl. "It's our line, it's our names and our brand -- it's coming from us, Mary-Kate and Ashley. I've learned that 'no' is a full sentence."

Yep. (And it could possibly be a paragraph, too).

Three-hundred-ninety-seven days, 16 hours and 51 minutes ...


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