ATOMIC PROM 


; Newsweek has published a list of 100 American high schools that "do the best job of preparing average students for college." But college is about far more than learning, so thank God another magazine has weighed in with more realistic criteria. By special arrangement, we're proud to present:

;;

;;PLAYBOY'S TOP PARTY

;;HIGH SCHOOLS 2006

;;7) Liberty High School, Lincolntown, Pa.

;

;A new entry on this year's list, Liberty is coming on strong, fielding an impressive tally of unwanted pregnancies and first-time felony convictions. It helps that the school administration maintains lucrative junk-food contracts, as a kid's short attention span and libidinous tendencies are greatly exacerbated when he's all hopped up on Mountain Dew Magna.

;

 

;

;Where to check out underage boobies: Foreign-language club's monthly "Coyote Ugly" night

;

 

;

;6) Central High School,
; Lonesome Wind, Iowa

;;Eleven hundred miles from New York, 1,700 miles from California and two semesters from public assistance, the teenagers of Lonesome Wind have to have something to take their minds off the stultifying boredom of rural life. And it's not going to be found inside their painfully overcrowded school building, which this notoriously tax-shy community has refused to refurbish since 1810. The only escape is to grab a six-pack and head for the nearest grain silo with a willing classmate, thanking God for growing his Midwestern flowers stacked and dumb.

;

 

;

;"Sure I'm 'faced. What am I supposed to do? Memorize state capitals?" — Luther, 15

;

 

;

;5) Eugene V. Debs Memorial High School, Bleeding Heart, Vt.

;

;There are benefits galore to growing up in the nation's most liberal community: Noncompetitive grading equals plenty of spare time for keggers, and the free condom distribution in phys-ed classes assures an endless promenade of worry-free nookie. At Debs, "liberal arts education" means learning to snort coke off a cheerleader's thigh in 55 mph traffic and still beat the rap, following the example of 2005 commencement speaker Don Henley.

;

 

;

;Where to get lucky: The east lawn, when Democratic primary results come in

;

 

;

;4) Moe Green High School,

;;Las Vegas, Nev.

;

;If there's a Sin City Jr., it's here, where a new generation of quick-tempered blackjack dealers meets the Vivarin-addicted chorus girls of tomorrow. The student body stays up all night, trading exam keys for lines of credit and pursuing keno as an extracurricular athletic activity. Hey, it looks good on a résumé.

;

 

;

;Number of arrests at annual Desert Plains Tailgate Picnic: Like anybody in AP math can count that high.

;

 

;

;"What happens in Vegas, stays on your permanent record." — Nicky, 16

;

 

;

;3) O'Shea Jackson High School, Compton, Calif.

;

; There's no stoppin' the collars from poppin' at the Los Angeles area's most notoriously down-throwing secondary school — we think. None of the reporting teams we've sent in to survey the place has ever been heard from again. From the few tattered and defaced articles of clothing we've gotten back, we're guessing the school colors are red and/or blue.

;

 

;

;"What you lookin' at, fool?" — Dwayne, age unknown

;

 

;

;2) Joseph Smith Preparatory School, Salt Lake City, Utah

;

;"Two girls for every boy" isn't just a ratio but a way of life at America's biggest Mormon high school. Whether it's down to the gorgeous scenery or the atmosphere of brutal paternalism, the young ladies of JSPS are infinitely eager to please, and prone to taking the fall in front of the cops whenever a wine-cooler run goes bad. Then again, there's always the danger that the Wifey No. 4 you've been auditioning all semester may be called up into the big leagues by your dad or uncle just when things are getting interesting.

;

 

;

;"When these girls get drunk, the sacred underwear goes flying." — Donny, 15

;

 

;

;1) Winter Park High School,

;

;Winter Park, Fla.

;

;

;;Here's where many attendees of Rollins College (No. 3 on Playboy's 2002 "party colleges" list) earned their bacchanalian wings. At WPHS, blue-blooded snotlets have four years to Paris Hilton it up, maxing out credit cards they've swiped from their step-step-stepdads and forming arbitrary, chemically determined cliques they'll revisit in college, when the Greek system imposes its own set of sociopathic demands. Nearby establishments expedite the process by shooting seniors free sushi and vodkatinis in exchange for minor sexual favors, and the prom is a legend unto itself: Even your chauffeur is holding!

 ;

;;Where to meet the hottie you fell for in geometry class: Online, for only $49.95 per month

; sschneider@orladnoweekly.com

Speaking of Dog Playing Poker

Latest in Dog Playing Poker

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Calendar

© 2017 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation