AUG. 29, 8 P.M.: A 21-year-old man was hanging by himself at the homestead on the aforementioned evening in the 2000 block of Dixie Belle Drive. His night of leisure, however, was about to come to an end.

The silence of an eve spent nestled on the living room couch was shattered when seven unknown males approached the apartment, banging on doors and windows all at once like a bunch of boisterous toddlers. "Come outside," exhorted one of the men, police reports state. Not surprisingly, the tenant decided against walking outdoors, where 14 feisty fists a-pounded. That's when the leader of the pack kicked in a screen (most unfortunately, the window was open) and leapt into the residence. He delivered a mighty punch to the resident's schnoz and then fled.

The victim of this punch-and-run responded by calling his girlfriend. She came home and called the police, then likely tended to her boyfriend's face.

AUG. 27, 3:45 A.M.: Other faces were punched two nights prior and not just in the honker.

A man was strolling past an inn in the 3300 block of West Colonial Drive when two rather suspicious-looking suspects neared. One stood 5 feet 8 inches tall, weighed in at a juicy 275 pounds and sported no shirt with his red shorts (one can conclude man-tits were evident). His almost meatless 6-foot-2-inch teammate hid under a white-dress-shirt, khaki-pant ensemble.

The big dude pulled a gun from his pocket – or a fold of flesh, perhaps – and pointed it toward the Colonial roamer. The victim was relieved of $140 and his cell phone, though he succeeded in snatching the phone back. He began running north, crossing the street while desperately yelling for help. But somehow, our hefty assailant jiggled his way back to the victim before help could arrive, smashed his face with a brick and punched him in the gut. The two criminals fled, leaving the battered man dizzied, bruised and wary of ever wandering the wee-hour streets again.

AUG. 27, 2:45 A.M.: An unknown person or persons walked over to a shoe store in the 1800 block of South Semoran Boulevard. After one look at the rows and displayed mounds of sneakers, pumps and moccasins, the person(s) could not resist breaking inside. An unknown object was used to smash the front window, sprinkling slivers of glass throughout the shop and consequently filling the ears of any passers-by with the brain-rattling tune of an activated alarm.

Racing against the clock, the burglar or burglars swiftly filled outstretched arms with piles of podiatric products that'd make any bare foot blissful. Approximately $100 worth of shoes were looted before the suspect or suspects raced back out the shattered entry point, which would cost $300 to repair.

It's now clear that looting cross-trainers isn't only a problem in the Gulf Coast. Watch out, Orlando.

AUG. 27, 5:30 P.M.: Let's get back to the face-punching.

A man and his friend were stuck waiting for a LYNX bus at a stop in the 3900 block of Rosewood Way. The afternoon heat was blistering, and one of the men pulled $10 from his pocket, instructing his pal to go to 7-Eleven to fetch a frosty beverage. Before he had time to do so, a scrawny, 110-pound, 14- or 15-year-old boy emerged, punching the man in the face and taking the 10 buckaroos from his hand. The boy's approximately 17-year-old friend joined in the so-called fun, delivering a second punch to our parched victim. Before fleeing the scene, suspect No. 2 did mom proud by flinging a beer bottle – just what every 17-year-old should be holding midday at a bus stop – at the victim's leg. The younger of the two boys advised the beaten man not to follow, or he'd be shot, police reports state. This author feels confident in assuming that Dr. Phil would be outraged by this act of hooliganism.

AUG. 26, 10:30 P.M.: A burglar or burglars also needed cash earlier that week. There was no face-punching involved.

The suspect or suspects chose a local Chinese restaurant in the 3500 block of South Orange Avenue to be pillaged, using a hefty chunk of cinder block to shatter the shop's front door. Inside, all vegetables, meats and Asian spices were untouched, but a cash register was knocked to the floor. The cash drawer was removed, revealing not $100, not $50, but a meager 70 cents. The burglar(s) opted to keep the picayune prize, and then rummaged through a napkin and silverware drawer before exiting via the broken door, which would cost $200 to fix.

The loot might not have been monumental, but it's refreshing to know some burglars are easy to please.


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