A candidate who speaks his mind 

"Gore Licks Bush."

Join me in a little prayer, won't you?

"Oh Universal Whatsis, let this be the headline in the Nov. 8 newspaper, despite the ooky visual. Please don't let G.W. Bush win this election, thereby screwing this up as you have so many, many other things. His strong showing is making some people wonder if you understand English. Please do not forsake your stupid people in their time of enormous prosperity. What's wrong with you?"

Praying is nice, but if it worked the world would be littered with ponies and lottery winners. What was the last thing you prayed for? Did you get it? Case closed.

Action is required if this country is going to escape the milk-bathed rich-boy hands of Bush, and the only action I can take is to try to entertain you into doing the right thing.

So walk with me to the Complete Bushisms website. If you're undecided, this might help. If you're a Bush voter, you'll be assured that this is the person you want speaking for you ... though maybe not when you're asking for a raise. Who wouldn't be proud of the man who said this:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." (LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18.)

Tower of babble

This kind of articulation is adorable in toddlers, not Yale grads. How about this one:

"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century." (On the Lewinsky scandal, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24.)

Still. I'd vote for Bill Clinton again rather than Porky Pig. Check this one out:

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." (In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4. Thanks to Peter Feld.)

Speaking of beliefs, I'd like to address the Nader voters. Listen. We understand. If you find a person who thinks the two-party system is adequate, they're probably coming out of the head-trauma clinic. Most of us would love more choices -- it would be like being with someone you love instead of being with someone just because they're the only one left in the bar. I know you want to vote your conscience, and if either candidate were leading by 75 percent, I'd say, "Yop!" like the guy in Horton Hears a Who whose one tiny voice came through. But in this close election, your vote could put us in the hands of the man who said this:

"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes." (Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21.)

And this: "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." (Ibid.)

Come on. Do you want a president who speaks English and still requires subtitles? If the Nader voter would vote for Gore, it could keep us from being led by the guy who said this:

"You might want to comment on that, Honorable." (To New Jersey's secretary of state, the Hon. DeForest Soaries Jr., as quoted by Dana Milbank in The Washington Post, July 15.)

And this: "This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases." (Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23. Thanks to Johnny Green.)

Green and bear it

If you're a Nader voter in a swing state and you want your Green voice heard but fear you are contributing to a Bush victory, check out this story on Nader Traders. Gore voters in solid Republican states are voting for Nader and Nader voters in swing states are voting for Gore as an exchange, just to ensure fewer votes for Bush. You might feel morally ill at ease with this. Or you might feel just fine having yourself represented like this:

"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." (Hardball, MSNBC, May 31.)

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. On acid, the Beatles made more sense.

OK, that's my action, and now I'd like to return to prayer. "Oh Mighty Isis, grant me the courage to change what I can, the wisdom to accept what I can't, and the insight into why people would vote for Billy Carter over Jimmy. Anyway, thanks for cake. Seeya, wouldn't wanna be ya. L."

(Thanks to Weekly reader Rick Kilby for both websites.)

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