Columns
Police Beat
Police Beat : Welcome to Police Beat 2010. To make the new year special, we’re going back to including block numbers on unnamed crime scenes. We don’t want to tip off crooks to easy targets, but we do want our cautious readers to know which sections of miles-long roads carry the greatest risks of pistol-whipping or copper theft. Welcome back to the future. Dec. 23 (2009-604338) 1:26 p.m.: Three cops on foot chased down a man on a bicycle in the 100 block of North Parramore Avenue, and found ... [MORE]
by Jim Gaines | 1/6/2010
Happytown
column: So, if you were a grumpy attorney general with terminally equine facial features and you were running for governor of this great state despite a charisma deficiency, what would you do when faced with comprehensive federal health care reform as an imminent reality? If you were Bill McCollum (and, seriously, we are glad you’re not) you would throw a temper tantrum aimed at gathering support from Florida’s ample idiot base, something scripted and rooted in constitutional malarkey, p ... [MORE]
by Billy Manes and Bob Whitby | 1/6/2010
Comments
Comments : Not a fan Please don’t take this note as, “Well, Billy [Manes] gets noticed and read.” Quite the contrary! I have enjoyed your paper for years, however it’s impossible to read anything written by him. How do you edit his pieces? Are you doing the same drugs as him so you can understand him? It’s really embarrassing what he tries to say about Orlando. I’d imagine he’s your friend and the best thing a friend/editor can do is get rid of his piece and guide him to sober up and read h ... [MORE]
Savage Love
column: I am a queer lady in my 20s. My boyfriend and I recently discovered that we are both into BDSM. Here’s what’s stressing me out: I tend to gravitate toward stories that include age play (underage girls with older men). I think pedophilia is wrong and disgusting, yet I get off on the stories. I can’t stop feeling like I’m a huge pervert. Also, what is a good way to introduce the idea of age play to my boyfriend without sounding perverted? Is age play perverted? Feeling Like A Perver ... [MORE]
by Dan Savage | 1/6/2010
Free Will Astrology
Free Will Astrology : ARIES (March 21-April 19) It’ll be a hair-on-fire kind of week for you – and yet also a heart-in-repose kind of week. You have the potential to be fierce and relaxed, vigorously ambitious and sublimely poised. In fact, this might be one of those rare times when you can be both a justice-dispensing warrior and an enlightenment-seeking magician. Want to turn water into wine when the pressure’s on? Find the pearl of great price in the heat of the battle? Feats like these are quite possible. ... [MORE]
by Rob Brezsny | 1/6/2010
Blister
column: It’s like a candy-coated war zone. The stuttering gridlock of westbound I-4 traffic the Monday after Christmas hiccups in tryptophan-laced fits and starts while all around, fiberglass and plastic relics of purchased escapism don’t so much glow as burn holes into astigmatic retinas focused on getting around it all. Little sideshows to sideshows abut motor lodges with free-eating kids; ramshackle takes on knee-jerk impulses to race this or ride that virtually cackle in the face of stamme ... [MORE]
by Billy Manes | 1/6/2010
POLICE BEAT
column: Dec. 16 (2009-594702) 9 a.m.: Sometime in the previous four days, somebody got over the fence at Infrastructure Corporation of America on McCoy Road and took a big spool of copper wire. (2009-593414) 8:06 p.m.: Three guys gave a woman a ride from Fort Lauderdale to the Greyhound station on North John Young Parkway, but then pushed her out and took her medicine, money and cell phone. (KPD) 10 p.m.: Police on a shots-fired call on Tarpon Street found a man dead in the road, and the n ... [MORE]
by Jim Gaines | 12/30/2009
HAPPYTOWN
column: End of the year? Check. Short attention span? Hi! How are you? Well then, it must be time once again for Happytown™’s Year in Review in 425 words or less! And what a crappy year 2009 was. In no particular order … Unemployment soared to 11.5 percent statewide, and 11.8 percent in the Orlando-Kissimmee metropolitan statistical area. Tiger Woods crashed his car because he was having so much sex with so many women that driving had become impossible. Orlando city council hopeful Eze ... [MORE]
by Billy Manes and Bob Whitby | 12/30/2009
SAVAGE LOVE
column: Set me straight. I married my wife several months ago after dating for three years. Things are excellent except for one problem: When she gets drunk, she gets crazy flirtatious. She’ll dance close to people, touch them, hold hands. A couple of times, I thought it went too far and I told her she was making me uncomfortable. She claims it’s just harmless friendliness/flirtation and she would never let anything happen. Well, as it turns out, something did happen. After she was dancing, hug ... [MORE]
by Dan Savage | 12/30/2009
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
column: ARIES (March 21-April 19) One of my favorite landscape painters makes a livable wage from selling her art. She has had many gallery showings and has garnered much critical acclaim. But she feels obligated to keep churning out more landscapes – even when her muse nudges her to take a detour. Galleries don’t want anything from her except the stuff that has made her semi-famous. “Sometimes I fantasize about creating a series of Sock Puppet Monkeys Playing Poker,” she told me. If she were ... [MORE]
by Rob Brezsny | 12/30/2009
BLISTER
column: There was a time when this all fit together more nicely. For every off-key rendition of “Carol of the Bells” and post-supper immersion into How the Grinch Stole Christmas there was always a place beyond the immediate – behind the left eye, perhaps – of utter strategy. There, neurons kept tabs on gestures of influence, monitoring the entire month of December in calculable diagram form for minute changes, senses always on hand to reel the variances in, eventually pulling everything in ... [MORE]
by Billy Manes | 12/30/2009
Police Beat
Police Beat : Dec. 9 (2009-581164) 2:02 p.m.: A woman crossing John Young Parkway against the light started running when someone honked at her, and ran straight into the path of an oncoming car. (2009-581345) 3:50 p.m.: A woman said she parked behind the McDonald’s on South Semoran Boulevard planning to sell some silver jewelry – $100,000 worth. Instead, a guy pulled a gun and took both car and jewelry. (2009-582041) 11:48 p.m.: A would-be burglar on North Hampton Avenue made it through the do ... [MORE]
by Jim Gaines | 12/24/2009
HAPPYTOWN
by Billy Manes, Justin Strout and Erin Sullivan
SAVAGE LOVE
by Dan Savage
SAVAGE LOVE
by Dan Savage
COUNCIL WATCH
by Billy Manes
SAVAGE LOVE
by Dan Savage
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