First Shot: Never Balki down

So Bronson Pinchot is stepping back slightly from his comments to The Onion this week, in which he all but came out (so to speak) and called Tom Cruise a self-loathing homo whose unmotivated on-set hate speech was just about as illuminating as Rush Limbaugh’s anal fixation. (And seriously, can any doubt remain as to the true motivation for that colonically obsessed swine’s misanthropy?)

In case you missed it, Pinchot claimed that Cruise’s behavior while filming Risky Business consisted of hurling regular anti-gay slurs that were bizarrely disconnected from anything that was actually happening at a given moment:

He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean his lingo was larded with the most … There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day. I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.”

What fun! And obviously the impetus for a potential MST3K-style home-viewing game, in which you and your guests rush to blurt out whatever was really on Tom’s mind during the filming of his classic scenes:

The Firm: “It would be an honor and a privilege to join your establishment. But first, I’d like you to assure me that no turd burglars work here.”

Born on the Fourth of July: "The madness of war has left me an emotional and physical eunuch. Then again, nobody can ask me to engage in the buttsecks.”

Valkyrie: “We have to kill Hitler. Because, seriously, have you seen those boots?”

Cruise’s people fired off a quick response, countering that Pinchot’s characterization was “so far removed from who Tom Cruise is as a person” that he must have been speaking “in jest.” Which, of course, is publicist-speak for, “It’s all true. Every last syllable and intonation.”

The donnybrook swiftly lit up the Interwebs, with “Tom Cruise + homophobia” becoming a red-hot search term, right along with “Bronson Pinchot + who?” It all prompted The Wall Street Journal to ask Pinchot if he had, indeed, been joshing. His answer: Nope -- although he qualified that he had since learned running commentaries like Cruise’s are actually quite “unremarkable” for “a 20-year-old with no background in theater.”

Right. So a bitterly closeted Tom Cruise isn’t the culprit here: It’s everybody who never got to play George M. Cohan in summer stock.

Oh, well: Chalk it all up as a case of mission accomplished. Because nobody is talking about anything Pinchot had to say about himself in the Onion interview, despite his having painted himself with the he-man brush with all of the persuasiveness of Rod in Avenue Q. See, he just happened to land all of those gay roles back in the ’80s, at the same time that he was nailing one woman, having an “affair” with another and just generally banging chicks until the skin was practically shredded off his overworked member. Just ask him – he’ll tell you!

Oh, and according to the WSJ, his current “passion” is for “purchasing and restoring historic houses.”

Hey, Balki – wanna go for some ice cream?

Posted by Steve Schneider on 10/23/2009 1:09:45 PM Permalink | Comments: 1

Comments on this story:

Anonymous said:
I love to hate Tom Cruise. He is the worst "actor" in history. I boycott all his films. Oh, and I'm majorly Scientology-phobic.
posted on: 10/23/2009 2:03:14 PM