Last chance to feed a Red Chair

If you haven't been to IKEA for a couple weeks (shame on you! consumer credit spending is the only thing holding this economy together!), stop by this weekend to see the Red Chairs before they're gone. 

43 child-sized chairs sit prominently at the top of the main escalator, each decorated by a different Orlando arts group.  Some went all out: Bach Festival built a piano, IBEX Puppetry made a monster. 

But no decorator is more dedicated than performance artist Brian Feldman, who is devoting 100 hours to sitting in the display, for all the Swede-ish shopping public to see.

The chairs are there during normal store hours through Monday August 4th.  Brian will be there every day at 10am (11am on Sun), Lynx willing. 

Stop by and bring him some (vegetarian) food, preferably something red.

Here's more info on Red Chair:

http://www.redchairproject.com/redchair/event.aspx?id=2499

And follow Brian's minute-by-minute iPhone blogging here:

http://twitter.com/brianfeldman

http://twitpic.com/photos/brianfeldman

Shakespeare With Heart

This is simply eveything I love about humanity, so I will make no joke here. In fact, I won't even truly comment on it. The press release says it well enough (with some minor style editing):

Orlando Shakespeare Theater in partnership with UCF is pleased to announce Shakespeare with Heart's production of Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, 7:30 pm Friday, August 1, at the Margeson Theater in the Lowndes Shakespeare Center in Loch Haven Park. The performance is free and open to the public.

Hobbing the Nobs

Are you tired of the political oligarchy being a cadre of old white men? Wish it was a cadre of young white men? Then you're probably a Young Republican! This Thursday is the Orange County Young Republican's Candidate HobNob. Here, you can rub elitist elitist-bashing elbows with the best and brightest this county has to offer.

On the card is Orange County Mayor Rich Crotty, John Tegg, Eric Eisnaugle, and then I stop caring (acually, my interest ended with the word Crotty). With State Rep. Andy Gardiner as MC!

The event is at the Rachel Murrah Civic Center in Winter Park from 5:30-7:30 p.m. Tickets are $10 for an individual, but only $80 for a pack of ten! Here's hoping your nine closest buddies all like off-shore drilling.

Work... For Free!

Don't you miss the good old days? Time was something was going wrong in your village, you just chuck a couple virgins and a goat to their deaths and thankful gods fixed it. Now we've got to sacrifice our own damn time if we want things to get better. Lousy lack of active volcanoes in the area. In any case...

Maybe you've noticed what a crap bunch this latest generation of kids is. With their baggy pants and their swearing, they make a mockery of everything us decent folk done for 'em. It's time for action! Valencia Community College is looking for mentors for Take Stock in Children. This statewide program offers kids a scholarship and a little outside help as long as they agree to sit up straight and pay attention, dammit! So why not lend a hand and help them pull their pants up? It's what Gary Siplin would want. (For more information, please call 407-582-3120.)

Children not good enough for you? You only like aiding people who may one day weild the power to kill us all? You're sick. And I know just what you can do. You can volunteer at the National Urban League Conference. Why? Because both John McCain and Barack Obama will be speaking there. You can get your quotient of hope and change (and, I guess, anger and ointment odors) without paying the $35 for a day-pass. Contact volunteer@handsonorlando.com for the details.

Finally you can unwind with some nice pizza. And you can buy that pizza between 5 pm and 7 pm on Tues., Aug. 5 at Brick and Fire Pizza and Wine Co. Of course, you could buy it some other time, but then the profits wouldn't be going to the Child Rescue Network. Yes, every dime they can muster in those hours will be going to finding lost children (who will probably need a mentor when they get found, bringing us right back to the beginning). Rumor is, something called Casino Party Planners will be providing extra entertainment. Here's hoping it involves virgins and volcanoes!

And the Rest

Gonna cram in a bunch of stuff here, so bear with me.

Remember the old chant, "No blood for oil"? (Good times.) Well now you can literally trade your blood... for oil! Now through July 31 (started on the 17th, sorry), Florida Blood Centers is giving away $10 gas cards (i.e. almost 2.5 gallons) with donations of your hemoglobin. (You can also get a Big Red Bag cooler, but pffffttb.) You can go to www.floridasbloodcenters.org to find any of the accepting centers. So go ahead and open your veins straight into your fuel tank. (Also, I guess, you'll be saving crushed people or something.)

But what to do with your new found fossils? How about a limo scavanger hunt? (I can't think of a time when those aren't a good idea.) Howl at the Moon has put together this particular.... Here, it's simple:

Free booze

Free food

Prizes

LIMO SCAVANGER HUNT!

It's $75, which benefits the American Cancer Society and the Parramore League of Artistic Youth (like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but without Tom Sawyer). Then you can sing away the night, woozy from drinking and bloodloss, at Howl at the Moon's piano bar.

And last, why don't you give something, you selfish bastard? You've been awfully greedy up until now. So how about you create something to improve our city? There a movement called OurLando, and it's all about making this city a little more... this city. Local products. Local buying. Being local. If you haven't heard of it, it's because they need a logo. They want you (you're a designer, right?) to create an image that says, "Hey, this city rocks! Oh, and people live here." You can go here for the guidelines. But hurry, submissions are due Aug. 31.

Now stop complaining about being bored, dammit!

Free the Chicago 10!

If you have the chance to see Chicago 10, the documentary about the 1968 Democratic Convention protests now playing at the Enzian theater, do it. (Visit Salivation Army for more Enzian news.)

As mentioned in Steve Schneider's brief First Shot synopsis, the film features a rotoscoped version of the trial of Abbie Hoffman, Tom Hayden, Bobby Seale, etc., which was classically absurd. There's no film of the trial, so director Brett Morgen (The Kid Stays in the Picture) cast some amazing actors to re-enact it from transcripts; the miscarriage of justice and the judge's bizarre behavior is hilarious but bittersweet – men went to jail on the back of it, so it's hard to laugh unreservedly.

There's also excellent vintage footage of the protest itself, scored with contemporary songs: the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" underlies the "Take the hill!" charge in Grant Park, complete with the infamous clip of a cop punching a fey young male protester right in the nuts. ("Ouch" is not a sufficient response; it's a shocking sight.) Rage Against the Machine (of course) provide a cover of the MC5's "Kick Out the Jams" to accompany a clip of the concert. And the gentle presence of Allen Ginsberg, "Oooommmm"-ing his way through the madness of the preparations and the aftermath, is indelible.

By the way, I'm going to have to disagree with Steve's recommendation to split a plate nachos with a Paultard; I suggest the black & tan gelato instead and a few drinks, or whatever your drug of choice may be; with its lack of the usual talking heads or voiceover narrative, one bit of film flows into the next, creating its own trippy logic.This is a movie best seen in a lightly altered state.

Ears Lowered for Charity

Awesome! I get to use a riddle.

What can you give someone that when they have it, they'll have less?

No, not GM stock (but good answer). A haircut! And from August 1-15, for every child's cut you get at Hair Cuttery, they are donating one dead-cell snipping to a disadvantaged child. Finally, you can make some poor kid's dream of a faux-hawk a reality!

The program is called Share A Haircut, and to date, they claim to have given out over 380,000 of them. (Now, is that based on heads or individual hairs?) For more details, visit www.haircuttery.com.

NOT a Public Urinal

The residents of this Happytown will soon have somewhere else to be happy. Winter Park has renovated and expanded upon the Azalea Lane Recreation Playground. According to city officials, the old park equipment had "reached its useful life" (insert "John McCain is old" joke here). So they splurged $37,000 (also known as .07 percent of Obama's June haul) on a bunch of new crap to keep your li'luns smiling.

What all did they get for this wad of cash? Ahem: new playground equipment, new benches, picnic tables with shade structures, a crazy cup, a ladybug, and a choo-choo train (insert abandonned CSX deal here) with a dining car just for kids.

The grand opening will be July 30 from 10 a.m. to noon. The park is located at 1045 Azalea Lane. I'm going just to find out what makes that cup so crazy (I hope it doesn't have anything to do with those two girls).

Hey, Remember the '90s?

A little item just popped up on my radar too late for the print edition, but it's something a certain nostalgia-hungry population is going to want to see.

One of the great one hit wonders of our generation, Green Jelly (was Jell-O until Bill Cosby sued them or something, and you're supposed to put the umlaut over the "y" and supposedly that makes the same sound, but you know who I'm talking about, the "Three Little Pig" guys... "They called in Rambo" ha!... I mean was that not one of the funniest fucking videos ever made?!) is playing O-Town. They're joined by Mobile Death Camp, which I am told is a side-project for the bassist from GWAR, so... yea?

Details:

Coconut Bay, 7/22, 7 pm, $10, 18+

More Things to Hurt Yourself On

A new prickly beast has entered this world for you to worry about. But it's cute as hell! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Patriot, the youngest living thing in the Central Florida Zoo. (Actually, that honor probably goes to some mosquito born within nine seconds of reading this, but who gives a crap about them?)

Born on July 4, Patriot (subtle, could have gone with Jefferson or Tillman, but okay), is a South African crested porcupine. He weighs a little over a pound and was born with quills. (They are apparently soft at birth, but harden within 24 hours, so worry not for mommy's mommy parts.) He also comes fully ready to walk.

From the press release:

“The birth was a bit unusual”, says Zoo Curator Bonnie Breitbeil.  “Typically births have occurred overnight.  Our staff was alerted by guests as the porcupine was giving birth on exhibit, so many people were able to observe the birth.” 

 ...snip...

 Bonnie went on to state, “In our group we notice that although the baby does spend time with the female when nursing, it is the male and older siblings who spend the most time with the new born.”

To see the South African crested porcupine, and all the Zoo animals, visit the Zoo any day of the week.  Admission to the Central Florida Zoo & Botanical Gardens is $10.95 for adults, $6.95 for children 3-12, $8.95 for seniors and free for Central Florida Zoo members.  For more information, call (407) 323-4450 or visit www.centralfloridazoo.org.  The Zoo is located at 3755 NW Highway 17-92 at I-4, exit 104, in Sanford.

No 'Midnight Meat Train' for Orlando

An Aug. 1 opening date is still the official line, but The Midnight Meat Train is not likely to open in Florida at all is what we hear.

Author Clive Barker is so enthusiastic about the film adaptation of his novel that he wants horror fans to lobby Lionsgate.

Free Teeth Whitening for the Homeless

Now, this isn't actually free dental work for paupers (per se), but bear with me. This Saturday, Mills Park Dental will be performing abrasive enamel rubbings gratis at their 1st Annual Charity Event. There will be appetizers and drinks and even goodie bags (although I'm not sure one should legally be allowed to call a sack of oral hygiene products and no candy a "goodie bag"). All donated proceeds will benefit Catholic Charities of Central Florida.

Where I got confused was with their tag line: "Baby Steps to Help Homelessness in Orlando." It seemed reasonable that if some of this city's downtrodden only had brighter smiles, new doors would open for them. Yet, I have been assured that they are not the intended attendees at this affair, just the beneficiaries.

However, since there is no minimum suggested donation, and (I have also been told) everyone who enters will leave with shiny new chompers, I don't see anything from stopping Mr. and Mrs. Man and Woman of the Street from joining the Beautiful Mouth Club.

The event will take place from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Mills Park Dental offices, 1327 N. Mills Ave. Stop by and flash them your pearly yellows.

Brendan Frasier: The Ride

Gods and Monsters fans, have we got an opportunity for you.  A third Mummy movie opens August 1st -- this one with Jet Li, but sans Rachel Weisz -- so Encino Man himself will be gladhanding at Universal Studios Florida park this Friday at 2pm. 

Quoth the press release: "Brendan Fraser, star of “The Mummy” movies and star of Universal’s Revenge of The Mummy attraction visits the theme park to meet with park guests. He will reveal a sneak peek from his new film “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” just weeks before the film’s world premiere. In addition to being the first to see the film footage, guests will also have the opportunity to ask Fraser questions on the filmmaking process during a Q&A session."

While you're there, you can enter a sweepstakes (1st prize: trip for 2 to Hollywood) and take a ride or twelve on the kick-ass Revenge of the Mummy Coaster (though we're still waiting for the School Ties simulator).

And hey, it's free -- as long as you've got an annual pass.

www.UniversalOrlando.com for more info