Won't you stay a little bit longer?

The feds are giving a big break to some Haitians – those who had the good fortune to be in the United States when their hometowns were devastated by an earthquake Jan. 13. They'll probably get to stay here indefinitely, even if they sneaked in illegally to start with.

Those actually fleeing the devastation now, however, are still out of luck.

The news came Wednesday afternoon from the local U.S. Citizenship and Information Services office, hours after a 5.9 aftershock added insult to injury in Haiti. The poorest country in the Western Hemisphere and perpetual political basket case was crushed last week by a 7.0 quake near its capital, Port-au-Prince, killing tens of thousands and leaving hundreds of thousands homeless.

On Jan. 15, federal Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that Haitians who were in the United States before the earthquake struck could get Temporary Protected Status for 18 months. Wednesday's briefing gave details to local media, followed by a conference call for about 50 representatives of community groups expected to spread the word.

Temporary Protected Status means Haitians who got here before Jan. 13 can stay, even if they didn't come here legally. The 18-month pass could be extended, and often has been for citizens of other disaster-wracked countries – for as long as eight or nine years, according to Kathy Redman, director of USCIS for all of Florida except Miami.

At this point, it would be "unconscionable" to ship people back to a country in Haiti's condition, she said. Even those now awaiting deportation can apply.

"It doesn't make a difference how you arrived," Redman said.

But the offer doesn't extend to anyone who's actually fled the earthquake's devastation – those are still being rounded up and shipped back by the U.S. Coast Guard, she said.

"Right now, there's nothing for them," Redman said.

Haitians have 180 days to apply for Temporary Protected Status, which can also allow them to get jobs and go to school, Redman said. Anyone with a felony conviction or two misdemeanors, here or in Haiti, is not eligible, she said. Work authorizations will be issued within 90 days of application, though the rest of the paperwork will take a little longer, Redman said. Temporary Protected Status doesn't give access to federal benefits, but some states may let Haitians sign up for programs, she said. It also doesn't allow Haitians to bring over more relatives.

Redman said the government has no idea how many people are actually eligible, but is preparing for up to 200,000 applicants nationwide, many of them in Florida.

Getting approval to stay here and work may not be cheap, and it requires a boatload of paperwork. There's a $50 basic application fee, plus $80 "biometric" fee to fingerprint everyone over age 14; and the permission-to-work form costs $340 to file. That's mandatory for everyone over 14 and under 65, even if the person doesn't plan to get a job, Redman said. Application total: $470.

Anyone who makes less than the federal poverty level ($10,830 for an individual, rising by about $4,000 for each additional person), or who can document big bills like medical expenses, can apply for a fee waiver, she said.

The forms themselves are available online at www.uscis.gov, from the USCIS office or from the many community groups the government will soon work with to spread the word, she said.

As for proving that someone is Haitian and was in the United States before Jan. 13, USCIS will accept a variety of documents, understanding that such things are often sketchy in the aftermath of disaster, Redman said. Baptismal certificates, doctor bills and receipts are all admissible, though they must be in English or translated into English.

"At the very last resort, we will be looking at affidavits," Redman said. "We want to be as forgiving as possible."

Those who entered the United States illegally are encouraged to apply too, and shouldn't worry that the information they give will later be used to find and deport them, she said.

"We haven't done that in the past," Redman said.

But applicants should be careful: Scammers are already out in force. Haitians should get help from reputable community organizations, not pay someone extra to supposedly handle the paperwork, Redman said.

"There are a lot of people attempting to take advantage of the Haitian community during this tragic time," she said.

After Redman's press conference, USCIS Director Alejandro Mayorkas got on the phone from Miami with a panel of subordinates to give further details. All applications will be handled as urgent, and fee waivers will be considered with a "generosity of spirit," he said. The agency plans to crack down on fake lawyers dealing in this paperwork, Mayorkas said.

USCIS is keeping its information line – 1-800-375-5283 – open from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., in English, French and Creole, he said. Haitian orphans who are being adopted or were already matched with American families can still come, with more news through HaitianAdoptions@dhs.gov.

Bary, quite contrary

In the nonstop back-and-forth over who said what to Rifqa Bary when and why, her Florida savior/kidnapper (take your pick, depending on who you believe) has weighed in again. In his affidavit filed Dec. 29 in Franklin County, Ohio, juvenile court, Blake Lorenz (middle name William), denies he was ever told he was breaking the law when Rifqa Bary fled for her life and wound up crashing with Lorenz and his wife for two weeks. Lorenz says he contacted eleven attorneys, two police officers, one judge, and the (Florida) Department of Children and Families within a two-week period of Rifqa Bary�s arrival in Florida and not once was I told that I had broken any law.�

Last summer Bary, 16 at the time, was chatting with Blake Lorenz on Facebook. She hopped a bus to Orlando, saying she feared her Muslim parents would kill her because she had become a Christian. Investigators in both Florida and Ohio found no evidence of any threat.

Bary, now 17, is with a foster family in Ohio. But the legal furor over her trip goes on. Last week Brian Smith, a former administrator at the Global Revolution Church that the Lorenzes ran in Orlando, declared that Blake Lorenz had been told repeatedly that it was illegal to let Bary move in. He said Lorenz refused to notify DCF that Bary was here.

Blake Lorenz, however, says he was in frequent contact with DCF in late July and early August. It was his call, in fact, that got her picked up by Orlando police on Aug. 7, Lorenz said. He also claims that Ohio police told him they �knew her life was in danger.�

In retaliation, he accuses Smith of opening his mail from Global Revolution Church�s post office box, and sharing it with Bary�s parents� lawyers.

Beating baby elephants

This just in from our newest blogger, Jim Gaines, who doesn't have an account set up yet so I'm posting for him.


PETA says that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey’s Circus beats baby elephants. We’re still waiting to hear directly from the circus’ parent company, but they’ve denied to the Washington Post that the pictures being waved by the animal-rights group are as they seem.

PETA has the testimony and photos of Sam Haddock, who shot the above and a whole bunch of others. Haddock used to work at the elephant breeding-and-training facility in Polk City. Haddock, who recently died, said he saw baby elephants yanked from their mothers and tormented into performing popular tricks. His accusations were shown off Wednesday at a press conference in Orlando.

Railroaded

Big doings downtown today as Gov. Charlie “Choo-Choo” Crist made a stop to celebrate the wonder that is going to be commuter rail. Platitudes fell from lips, onlookers looked on politely, hands got shaken, Buddy Dyer made a reference to the “rail renaissance,” photos were snapped and nothing really happened of any importance at all. The only thing that kept this one from being a total snoozer was the presence of a handful of folks waiving delicious-looking waffles and other breakfast foods, a reference to the non-starter that is “Wafflegate.” If you don’t already know, Wafflegate is the huge den of corruption teabaggers are holding on to as their last shred of hope to derail SunRail. It’s three e-mails with funny titles. Outrage springs eternal.

Video: Protest at Publix

If you shop at Publix, the Coalition of Immokalee Workers would like you to know that you are supporting a store that exploits immigrant workers by refusing to increase the price it pays for tomatoes by one penny per pound. According to the CIW, workers are paid the same rate today they were in 1978, between 40 cents and 50 cents per 32-pound bucket. At that rate, a worker has to pick 2.5 tons of tomatoes per 10-hour day to earn minimum wage. Think about that the next time you cruise the produce aisle.

CIW says the Nov. 1 protest in front of the Publix on East Colonial was just the start of a statewide tour. Check out the video shot by roving reporter Lindy Shepherd.

Breaking: Biteboy to save fountain!

This just in from hot shoe reporter Billy Manes, who is down in the halls of city council sniffing out details and dispatched this dispatch via his Bloggytown celluphonic news transfer device:

Biteboy, Orlando's favorite "gurgling pool of awful," is going to help save the Lake Eola fountain! What, you don't remember Biteboy? Neither does anyone with any musical taste. But you may recall that, besides a complete lack of talent, they have a penchant for inserting themselves into public situations in the fervent, and likely futile, hope that one day they'll get their 15 minutes. They made asses of themselves on a rented trailer in front of Casey Anthony's home, they hung out with Lou "Jabba" Pearlman, and now they're going to fix your fountain. And all they ask in return is that you buy a CD, which is really too much to ask.

Details to follow.

RIP, Reax

May we have a moment of silence, please, for the passing of a fine publication … thank you. No, we’re not talking about the Orlando Sentinel. We said “fine” publication. (Oh god, we kill us.) We speak of the late print edition of Reax, a statewide music mag full of piss and vinegar. We loved the attitude and the beautiful layout, and we were jealous of their full-color format. The Tampa-based publication called it quits with its 40th issue, which featured lit-geek rockers the Decemberists on the cover.

Publisher Joel Cook says it may not be the end. “I’m actually weighing my options right now,” he wrote in an e-mail. “I’ve had a few offers come to the table. I’ve turned down a few, but keeping options open. There have been talks of syndication, but it takes time and the will. I’ll keep you updated as things go down. It really comes down to what I want to do next. We’ve built a hell of brand and don’t want to tarnish it. I’m excited about what comes next regardless.”

GOP: We gave you black folks everything

What a giddy joy it is to see the new GOP.com web unveiling, designed, I can only imagine, specifically to steal Obama's Health Care-victory attention today by doing something so hilariously inept that you can't help but look at them.

The new website, which crashed so hard today from neck-craning onlookers that the Obama campaign’s former online guru, Joe Rospars, told TPMDC: ‘You know your web program is in trouble when your site can’t even handle the traffic bump from people making fun of your web program.’”

Then GOP leader Michael Steele went on TV and said, "it's not really a web site."

Could've fooled me.

To be fair, it's not a website: It's a train wreck of desperate African-American vote-grubbing that reaches so far back into history for anything nice to say that I swear I just heard Frederick Douglass tell William Henry Harrison to "go fuck himself" for that lame-ass Haiti envoy appointment.

The first thing that struck me is the "GOP Faces" campaign (pictured above) where they show how black people love Republicans and the GOP responds in kind by making one's bald head the "O" in GOP. Nice.

The other thing you have to see is the (short) list of black people in history who were Republicans. Like so far back in history that it's in the same way Abraham Lincoln was a Republican, back when that didn't mean, you know, "Republican." In fact, Lincoln is shoved over to the second page of names to make room for more black people!

Finally, the delicious main entree: Things Republicans Did For Blacks; a friendly reminder, apparently, that the GOP deserves some payback. From "We had some black guy build us a statue and then let him look at it" in 1863, to "We freed you people" in 1864 to "We ended segregation forever" in 1957, the new GOP takes credit for all of that. Bitch.

After 1957? Ummm.... "We got rid of welfare!" Ouch. "Bush tax cuts!" *cough*. "Vouchers?" ... "Alright, we're just gonna go over here and TELL YOU JACKIE ROBINSON WAS A REPUBLICAN! Eh?"

Too bad the dancing Michael Steele has apparently been removed. Now that's entertainment. Take it away, Iron Mike!!



Oh wait, it crashed again.

"The following is a message for old people"

Growing bolder? Growing boomier? Sucking up Social Security and Medicare like there's no tomorrow? But there's something missing. Your kids are on Facebook, but they deleted their accounts when you friended them. And let's not talk about what happened on Match.com.

What's a social-networking-curious silver fox to do?

Welcome to GrowingBolder.com. It's about attitude! (or so the logo says; we'd say, judging from the looks of the site, it's about not scaring anyone away with pre-Year 2000 web design.) In fact, it reminded us a lot of this:

ACORN in Vitter's Side

With masturbatory master-scribe Jeffrey C. Billman now well and truly gone (sigh), it sure has been quiet in this little fallout shelter of textual bloviation.
Not anymore! Motherfuckin' Sen. David Vitter -- actually, hooker-fucking Sen. David Vitter -- just got called out for trying to call out an organization for almost doing exactly what he always did: engage prostitutes in unthinkable acts. The Louisiana gadabout was apparently well known on Canal Street for being, well, a politician, meaning somebody in midlife crisis mode who pays for sex. That whole D.C. Madam thing from a two years back managed to sweep itself under the rug, as these things do, but now that Vitter has decided to open his yap about ACORN and its intention to sell the Baby Jesus into a life a whoredom, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington have gone and filed a Bar complaint agin' 'em. You can read the press release below, or you can try to figure out the whole Vitter-to-critter-to-acorn logic employed in finding the image above. Either way, it's a good day!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                      CONTACT: NAOMI SELIGMAN

SEPTEMBER 29, 2009                                     
nseligman@citizensforethics.org



 CREW FILES BAR COMPLAINT AGAINST SEN. VITTER



Vitter Seeks Investigation of ACORN for Assisting Fake Prostitution Ring;
CREW Seeks Investigation of Vitter for Role in Real Prostitution Ring



Washington D.C. - Today, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in
Washington filed a bar complaint with the Louisiana Office of Disciplinary
Counsel against Senator David Vitter (R-LA) for violating Louisiana's rules
of professional conduct for lawyers.



In 2007, it was revealed that Sen. Vitter's telephone number was included in
the so-called "D.C. Madam," Deborah Jeane Palfrey's, list of client
telephone numbers.  The senator confirmed he had sought Ms. Palfrey's
services, saying in a statement, "this was a very serious sin in my past for
which I am, of course, completely responsible."  Two other women also
alleged Sen. Vitter had engaged the services of prostitutes.  Jeanette
Maier, the "Canal Street Madam," claimed Sen. Vitter visited the New Orleans
brothel several times in the mid-1990s.  In addition, a woman who worked as
a prostitute under the name of Wendy Cortez said Sen. Vitter was a regular
client of hers between July and November 1999.



Under D.C. and Louisiana law, it is a crime to solicit for prostitution.
CREW filed a complaint against Sen. Vitter with the Senate Ethics Committee,
which dismissed the matter without action in September 2008.



Louisiana Rule of Professional Conduct 8.4(b) provides it is professional
misconduct for a lawyer to "commit a criminal act especially one that
reflects adversely on the lawyer's honesty, trustworthiness or fitness as a
lawyer in other respects."  By repeatedly committing the crime of soliciting
for prostitution, Sen. Vitter violated the rules of professional conduct for
lawyers and should be investigated and disciplined for his misconduct.



CREW executive director Melanie Sloan stated, "Sen. Vitter's zeal to see
ACORN criminally investigated for offering advice in setting up a
prostitution ring reminded me he has yet to be held accountable for his own
role in a prostitution ring.  While ACORN's conduct is indefensible, so is
Sen. Vitter's and what is good for the goose is good for the gander."

13 former prostitutes were forced to testify at the trial of the DC Madam,
who committed suicide shortly after her conviction.  Sloan noted that one, a
former Navy supply officer and Naval Academy instructor, lost her job
because the Navy requires those who serve "to adhere to a standard of
conduct that reflects the Navy's values of honor, courage and commitment."
Sloan said, "It is a shame the Senate has no such standard of conduct.  It
will be interesting to see what sort of standard the Louisiana Disciplinary
Board chooses to apply."

Remember 'Hollywood East'? So does this psycho!

Now listen, Orlando city planners, don't get your panties in a bunch over this but...

Your savior has arrived!

The latest to exploit our fair city's never-ending eagerness to dive headfirst into the cesspool of Los Angeles has produced a number of hysterically hillbilly attempts at fashioning Orlando into "Hollywood East." The term gained traction in the early '90s when second-rate TV shows like seaQuest DSV and some Hulk Hogan actioner actually filmed locally. Then again later that decade with The Blair Witch Project.

It's been a long, empty decade for Orlandoans with starfuckers in their eyes, but now it's time once more to get out the sharpie and slap on the "Hollywood East" sticker thanks to the pioneering, sociopathic and downright hilarious efforts of one John Campbell (pictured above photoshopped onto Air Force One - his doing, not ours).

According to the free-designed webpage at Wix.com, Campbell, who has set up shop in these parts, claims "ORLANDO IS THE NEW HOLLYWOOD." His plan in full?

"Hollywood East announces that it is working to secure the 50 acre Centroplex site in downtown. Hollywood wants to develop it for use by Hollywood East, Inc. - and for the headquarters of its flagship - STAR TV network." Who? No, not the Rupert Murdoch-owned Asian network. STAR TV is more, shall we say, imaginary.

"Star TV is our flagship TV network. Our goal is to be the 5th big network," says Campbell at his Angelfire Wix.com homepage, completely ignoring the CW (alright, that we get).

Campbell also plans to "buy and assimilate the entire Disney organization," and, in case your crazazy radar isn't off the charts quite yet, Campbell claims to be in on Buddy Dyer's endgame and thinks it can be improved.

"Mayor Dyer and his team have done a great job in bringing the Creative Village concept to life." (The what? Exactly.) "I think the mega studios of Hollywood East, Inc. and Star TV would be a better fit for the 50 acre Centroplex site," claims Campbell.

See what happens, Orlando, when you build it? They come.

Campbell's site is a literal web of fuckingnuts with a shit-ton of other, equally psychotic Campbell sites to peruse.

There's this one, his 2008 Presidential campaign home. Then this one, in which he claims to have started the "unofficial church of Walt Disney World." Oh, and let us not forget this one, where he -- well, let's let John Campbell tell it:

"I'm an apostle, and it's my job to see the big picture. Most apostles and prophets agree that we've entered a new age in the Church. It's called the Day of the Saints - a day of global shock and awe. The Kingdom of God is on massive offense - and it's the job of every Christian to promote the Gospel of the Kingdom."

Did I mention this is John Campbell's "Official Business Plan?" Yep.

"Hollywood East is positioned to provide America with pro-God, pro-family and pro-America content." "Our vision is to create The New Hollywood in Orlando." "Our goal is to be listed on the NYSE and eventually buy the Disney Company."

Campbell signs off with the following:

"You keep believing, Orlando!"

The sad part? We will. Over and over and over again.

More on this to come, believe that. Until then, check out this Billy Manes article from last year about the actual state of the local film industry (hint: it's wicked meh) and the millions upon millions our governors have spent this decade trying to change that.